2006: Edward Gorsuch’s “The Butcher”

Six college kids decide to take a graduation trip to Vegas in daddy's Escalade. Two of the kids are lesbians, swapping spit in the back seat. Another kid is in a wedding dress, because hey - its Vegas and she wants to shine! The driver, daddy's boy, is the epitome of frat boy gone bad with poofy hair, spoiled rich kid attitude, and two Polo's with upturned collars (not one mind you, two.)

The movie starts with a typical "B" series of events - detour off the main road; deformed guy in decrepit truck; bloody girl running into the path of Escalade; 2 by 4's with barbed wire; that sort of thing. These B events cause the group to sever one of the lesbos at the waist, and break their back axle by driving their front end into a tree. (Go figure.)

So Atlanta - the still alive lesbian - wants to stay with the truck and cradle her entrails exposed dead girlfriend. The others leave her and head off for "help." (Guess none of these guys ever watched horror movies.)

Nightfall sets in about the same time the group stumble upon a dilapidated house with boarded up doors and windows. We learn frat boy at least has seen a horror movie or two as he makes mention of bad things happening to people who enter strange houses. They have bloody girl along with them and she starts to freak out when she sees the house, resulting in some type of seizure and passes out. It's at this time they realize bloody girl's tongue has been cut out. Frat boy decides no way in hell is he going into the house, but the others scamper for the front door, just like all dumb B actors do. (Guess we wouldn't have a movie otherwise.) Once inside the house the bloody girl wakes up, slices her hand with broken glass, and writes one word on the wall in blood: HELL.

Ok - so it's about this time I am thinking it's pretty clear cut that these now living people should vacate the premises ASAP if they want to stay living, and I'm also thinking that with a "bloody hell" literally written on the wall, the kids would realize this... right? Surely this B-movie couldn't top the charts by having these college kids go exploring the house..... right?

Well, let's just say if this was a smart B-movie, chances are I would have missed it. Let's also just say this movie topped the charts with stupid B-moves.

So bloody girl sits it out while the remaining trio go house exploring only to find disgusting things that cause them to flee the house in terror. Unfortunately bloody girl has disappeared so they are forced to leave her behind. Now if only they can figure out where frat boy has taken off to....

So frat boy, knowing better than to venture into the house, apparently slept through the rest of the one horror movie he saw because he figured it would be smart to explore the barn! Yeh! That's the ticket! And due to a series of more typical B-moves, he ends up sliced, diced, and tenderized by the sharp end of a chainsaw.

His buddies heard the screams. They saw the blood. But did they take the truck parked (probably with the keys still in the ignition) in the yard? No. Did they run off into the dark night, using the lack of light as a protective shield? No. I don't have to tell you what they did. You know what they did.

They went back into the house.

This movie definitely scores low in the quality B-movie ranks. In it's defense, the blood spillage is plentiful and creative, and not altogether unbelievable. The cheesiness, and campiness is full scale B, with ridiculous dialog and really bad acting to drive it home. If camp is what you want, camp is definitely what you will get with The Butcher, in threefold.

Now on the flip side of this coin you have predictability, familiarity, and repetition. Because in the unfortunate wide world of B movies, you have a small range of B-move criteria. And this movie delivers that criteria like no other. Well, that is not entirely true. It could be argued that some of the key factors are ripoffs of other B-movies, but hey? Aren't they all a ripoff in some form or another? And since when did a B-movie ever need to make sense, or answer questions brought on by all the inconsistencies and out of place elements?

So the next time you are in for some really bad acting, cute chicks that will not offer up the required boob shot, and an overabundance of B-movie cliches, this movie definitely wins hands down. I, for one, enjoyed it. Maybe you will, too.

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