8 Reasons I Wish My Husband Were a Vampire
- March 4th, 2008
- COMMENTS 5
I’ve been thinking about the post I wrote awhile back as to the 10 reasons I thought it would be better if my husband were a Zombie. As I do more research on zombies however, I find it might be in the best interests of all involved if he were a vampire.
The whole rotting flesh thing might get a bit nauseating after awhile, not to mention he would probably start stinking more than he already does (you should be here on nights when we have Chinese takeout! PEEE-OOOOHH!!) As well, I would imagine flies and the such would feel the need to nest on various parts of his decaying body, and with that dull buzzing noise they emit, I’d probably want to go postal after awhile.
So here are the 8 reasons I think my husband being a vampire would be most advantageous:
1. As a vampire he would sleep all day while I would sleep all night so I wouldn’t have to anymore boring UFC episodes or NFL games that I have no interest in. Plus I would not have to pretend to be listening to what he was saying.
2. As a vampire he would have superhuman strength so he would have no more excuses for not having the right power tools or a big enough hammer to fix the crap around the house that needs fixing, damnit!!!!
3. As a vampire he would have no desire to eat my chocolate (since he only wants blood). I would not have to hide my Reeses Cups or Lindt Truffels from his grubby little hands.
4. As a vampire he would not drink my wine; just because its Red doesn’t mean it’s blood and that means no more sharing of my wine. Step away from my wine!!!
5. As a vampire he would not eat solid foods so he would no longer bitch about my ineptness in a kitchen and how I must be the only woman alive who could burn water.
6. If he were a vampire, since he’d already be technically dead, I couldn’t get in trouble for killing him when he pissed me off for the umpteenth time.
7. If he were a vampire, I could kill him without really killing him (as long as I don’t decapitate him or shove a wooden spike through his heart. And since I do love him dearly, no way would I do either of those!)
8. If he were a vampire, we wouldn’t have to fight for the bathroom mirror when we got ready to go out since he wouldn’t have a reflection.
So there you have it. My list. Feel free to add to it. I love to hear ideas of others who feel my pain love to explore their options in living with the one they love.
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My husband needs to be a vampire too! He nearly caused me to stuff a roll of toilet paper in his mouth since he has been home ‘on vacation to work on the house’ for what seems like 20 years now, and the man never, ever SHUTS UP. Stop talking! Stop! He didn’t do ANYTHING except TALK and plan on graph paper the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME. If he were a vampire perhaps he would SHUT UP and DO SOMETHING. I don’t need 8 options for whatever it is, I just want it DONE. Stop planning and optioning and DO IT. Just DO IT. Now, if he were a vampire, I could shove his inert body out into the sun and watch him turn to dust after he had optioned me to death for a whole night…oooooohhhhhhhhh YESSSSSSSS.
I’m a bbbbaaaaadddddd girl.
Karen you are a funny girl!! I love the toilet paper idea - especially since mine always leaves the roll laying where my boxer can get it and leave its tattered remains all over the house for me to pick up because it obviously doesn’t bother HIM if its laying all over the floor.
And WHYYYYYY must they plan everything to the umpteenth time and then when they actually start to DO something there is no time left to do it????
Go get ‘em Girl! And use the cheap toilet paper - its rougher and doesn’t smell good…..!
I dont have a husband because Im only 14 at the momment but when I get one I wish he is a vampire because every night when I sleep he could watch me and by the way women vampires dont sleep at all and there are real vampires out there take a look at my x-boyfriend I got teeth marks from his bits when we were having fun. Anyway Im in love with vampires I read about them and I watch every (well almost every movie about them! My fav…was the Queen of the damned! (watch it.)It’s good
Well I wish I could fall for a vampire because I love them and I want to be one so bad!
love
autumn
While I’m not married, I would love a vampire boyfriend…It would be less trouble than a human one!
Can I just have Spike? : )
While I am married, I must agree that Spike is TOTALLY worth “having” - just don’t tell my hubby I said that