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Zombies Are Coming: Are You Ready???

  • May 24th, 2008
  • BY Petra

Are you prepared for the inevitable???

I know you may be asking yourself “the inevitable what?” I’m talking about the inevitable zombie infestation. The impending bloodbath. The impending doom.

Consider certain “facts” * :

1. 95% of Americans live within two miles of a cemetery or mortuary. Being as zombies are the un-dead and once buried (well, some of them at least) I’m thinking a wild rotting flesh party of the re-animated? All you can eat buffet? Human brains smorgasbord??

Are you prepared for the onslaught that is sure to come knocking at your door?

2. 90% of zombie related fatalities occur in the home. True its probably due to the 95 percentile that reside near the cemeteries, but that means there is a remaining 10% of zombie related fatalities happening OUTSIDE the home. Sounds like your odds are better if you split the ol’ humble abode.

Are you prepared to leave everything – belongings, loved ones, all those cool toys – behind in order to survive?

3. 100% of your family & friends that have been converted WILL eat you if given the opportunity. I know you think your mother’s love for you will outweigh her zombie desire to eat your brain, but I assure you it’s this type of thinking that will be your ultimate demise. Don’t kid yourself. Your zombie family does not love you; they want to eat you. Raw.

Are you prepared to chop their head off, shoot them between the eyes, burn them to a cinder??

4. 86% of shots fired at a zombie from a distance miss their target. The result would be having all your bullets spent by the time the zombies reach you, thus ensuring your demise and ultimate transformation. The best shot is the one close enough not to miss it’s target.

Do you have the cajones to get up close and personal to sever the spinal column of a zombie? Can you be crafty enough to do it without getting bitten or worse, eaten?

5. Almost 1.2 billion people are underfed – the same number of people that are overweight to the point of obesity. I’m thinking being underfed will allow you quicker movement to get away from zombies, where obesity may hinder this advantage. On the flip side however, you could survive on your own body fat much longer than if you were a twig. Of course zombies probably would work harder for the fat guy as there is more meat on the bones and less gristle….

Hhmmm…. what category do you fall into? Is it the category you want to be in?

6. In the US, murder is committed most frequently in August and least frequently in February. Now I know this does nothing in our preparedness of the doom that is to come, however too much knowledge on this topic is probably not a bad thing.

I’m hoping that the impending zombie invasion will occur in February. At least our foes should be less in numbers…..

7. New Zealand is home to 4 million people and 70 million sheep.

Ok – another one not really pertinent to the subject, but interesting nonetheless. Kinda makes you feel sorry for those lil’ sheepies…..

8. Only 1% of toothless zombies are a threat to you but you should kill them just the same. Think about it – you have never heard of anyone being converted by being gummed to death but these things are still zombies. As soon as they find false teeth you are in some serious trouble so save yourself the agony and not try to determine if they are of the toothless variety. Typically it would be really old ones anyway, but the younger ones these days will surprise you.

9. 62% of zombie victims did not have a plan for survival. They had no idea where to go in case of an attack, they had no weapon of choice set aside, cocked and ready to fire, and they spent valuable time looking for loved ones before fleeing the scene of attack.

Do you have a plan? A weapon? Are you insensitive enough to leave your loved ones before knowing if they are indeed re-animated?

10. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet. why am I telling you this? Because you gotta be able to handle it. You won’t have time to throw up because you are grossed out by some guts and blood or by the zombie whose head was just split in two by my machete. You have to be tough and able to suck it up! Your life depends on it; your “I’m alive, not un-dead!” life depends on it.

So can you handle it? Or are you going to cry like a little girl over a little spilled blood?


* the “facts” listed above a mixture of verified and totally bogus statistics so there is no need to check out for their accuracy. You are either a believer or not. Validation of numbers is irrelevant and most likely not supported on paper (the cowards!)

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you!

  1. Claire said on May 25th, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    I am fooked! I would just kill myself.

    If I said I was a vegetarian and therefore taste like crap, do you think that would save me?

    Claires last blog post..Do some work damn it!

  2. Relax Max said on May 26th, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    You are seriously deranged, you know that? Seriously. And I’m thinking Claire probably would taste pretty bad. Dandelion eater and all. :)

  3. Ryne said on May 27th, 2008 at 9:50 am


    Rynes last blog post..The Review A Vampire Movie/Talk About Vampires for An Unstated Length of Time Blog-A-Thon is underway!

  4. petra said on May 27th, 2008 at 7:10 pm

    @ Claire = sadly zombies don’t care what YOU eat; they care what THEY eat and they will eat you regardless of what you taste like. Its just a matter of HOW MUCH of you they will eat.

    @ RELAX MAX = I am not seriously deranged! amnotamnotamnot!
    And if I were to eat Claire this blog would take on a totally new slant and Lord Likely might get a little jealous of the attention I would suddenly receive.

    @ RYNE = see? Already you are a statistic. Now the next question is do you support the NRA? :-) Load it if you got it!

  5. Claire said on May 27th, 2008 at 10:33 pm

    Eat me? how saucy! :)

    Claires last blog post..Flower time

  6. Rik said on May 28th, 2008 at 9:50 pm

    It’s a little creepy New Zealand has this many sheep. I mean, the wool will keep them warm, but 70 million? Could this be their secret weapon against zombies?

  7. Petra said on May 30th, 2008 at 7:09 pm

    Well Rik – I am pretty sure its their secret weapon against something but I don’t think it has anything to do with zombies!

  8. Claire said on May 31st, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Hey haven’t you seen the movie Black Sheep!

    Claires last blog post..Clown Hookers and Doodle Boobs

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