Sidney J. Furie’s “Road Rage” (TV 2000)

It's been awhile since I have watched a gawd-awful movie. Evidence of this is my lack of reviews as of late.
Well I killed that by watching a seriously lacking made for TV flick from Sidney J. Furie called Road Rage.

Road Rage begins rather ridiculously and sadly does not improve with time. Starting out we find really old college student Sonia (Danielle Brett, who's biggest role was probably starring with Dolph Lundgren in Jill The Ripper) kicking her abusive beau Bo to the curb since she found out he cheated on her. Bo doesn't like being tossed aside like the cheap trash that he is and tries to bully Sonia into changing her mind.

It's about this time that mildly egotistical Jim, (Casper Van Dien who apparently loves starring in cheesy modern-day made for TV B-movies and also plays an over-aged college student) steps in to rescue the damsel in distress (Sonia, not Bo) and offers Sonia a ride home in his "grandma's car."

Once on the road the two get caught up in flirtatious conversation, and Sonia soon informs Jim that he is passing her exit. He decides to whip his grandma car across highway lanes in an attempt to catch the exit, and cuts off a rather large pickup truck with illegally tinted windows in the process.

Truck-guy doesn't take too kindly to being cut off, and decides to show his irritation in a more mood killing way than just laying on the horn or flipping Jim off. Instead he opts to exact some serious road rage, chasing our two wannabe lovebirds in a multiple crash inducing highway chase that miraculously kills no one, and goes completely unreported and unnoticed by the cops. So when our two narrowly escape death and find themselves left to their own devises, they decide its in their best interest to go back to flirting and acting as nothing has just happened.

Huh? You think now is a good time to just hang out, laughing about the days events and planning your next romantic date? Sitting parked in the same car the bad guy knows you drive, in a desolate - deserted even - area, so if psycho-boy decides to come back and finish what he started, he could come drag you out of your car, rip off your head and skullfuck you in broad moonlight, and no one would see or even do anything to help.... Really?

Dumbasses.

Why? Because its about this time that insane truck guy rolls back around, but instead of violating the two would-be lovebirds in a gruesomely brutal manner that would have been cool as shit and long overdue for a movie such as this, rolls down the passenger window so we can see that he has a buddy riding shotgun.... a buddy none other than a very irate recently dumped beau - Sonia's Bo.

How convenient.

Ok so you would think things might really get good at this point (provided everything else didn't totally suck already) but you'd be wrong. A movie that seems like it couldn't get any worse.... does.

Now I'm not one to usually comments on acting ability or even subject matter believability because lets face it... the movies I tend to watch and review offer everything EXCEPT good acting and believability (although more often than not there is usually a good bit of bloodshed and naked boobage to make up for it.)

Sadly Road Rage offers neither. Yeh yeh, so no surprise from the drivel I usually watch, but what made me really regret watching this movie was Danielle Brett; or perhaps I should say the role they cast her in. Aside from her seriously overacting the part, she plays an abused chick who actually sacks up and dumps her cheating beau Bo, but when the new guy steps in and immediately exhibits similar traits - such as wanting to play (and even prolong) the stupid raindeer games psycho truck driver initiates - she finds it appealing. O-M-G!! Why do the dumb chicks in these movies always have to go gaga for losers? And she never even flashes boob to make up for it.... goes to explain why she's done virtually nothing since 2001.

So do I recommend watching Road Rage? Hell NO! This movie sucks so bad you can't even find a video clip of the trailer on YouTube - EVERYTHING can be found on YT!

Oh well, decide for yourself, but right now I gotta go watch Lake Dead... which I am sure is a cult classic yet to be discovered!

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Miguel Sapochnik 2010′s Repo Men

I sat here tonight and asked myself what should have been a simple question. The question being: "Which would be worse - Being hunted by the hunter... or being the hunter, who in a split second at no fault of their own, has the rug pulled out from under them and becomes the hunted?"

It's rather odd in that when a person has no personal attachment or experience with what ever it is they are hunting, can do so with eager anticipation and a somewhat perverse enjoyment. But once that separation is broken and a common ground is acknowledged, a rebirth happens within the hunter and the switch is irrevocably flipped.

In Miguel Sapochnik 2010's Repo Men, Jude Law plays Remy, a hunter for "the Union" who repossesses body organs from persons who have become past due in their payments. Usually these repos are callously brutal, bloody, and more often then not, deadly. It's rather simple really. Pay your insanely expensive bill and maintain your new body part. Don't pay your bill, and suffer the gruesome consequence.

Remy repos without guilt, without remorse, methodically, and by the book. His wife doesn't like it so pushes him to switch to a desk job so he can be home more often and not bring the brutality of what he does to their doorstep.

So on one last mission before switching to sales rather than remaining in repos Remy's defib unit goes haywire resulting in his becoming the lucky recipient of the "top of the line" artificial heart offered by The Union. You'd think that since he was one of their top repo men, and since the artificial heart was as a result of faulty equipment provided by The Union, that he would get it free of charge as a sort of "workers comp."

But if you did, you would be guessing wrong.

Now on the run, fighting for the very life he thought he no longer wanted, Remy is teamed with Alice Braga as Beth (the "butterfly" girl in I am Legend) another multiple organ recipient exceptionally past due on her bill, fighting to free themselves from radar, and for the chance to live.

Teamed with an exceptional cast including Forest Whitaker and Liev Schreiber, Repo Man (if you let it) will make you think about things you never considered. It will make you think about what is important in your life and how with the blink of an eye, you can lose it all, and what lengths you would go to to keep it.

But as much as I enjoyed this movie, the subtle life messages it delivered, and the way it forced me to ponder my own determination to live, I have to confess that the ending fuckin' BLEW! Realistic ending? Sure, for the movie subject matter anyway. But for the enjoyment of the movie experience? Horseshit! Pure and simple and steamy and stinky horseshit. And for that reason along this movie won't make it into my drawer of keepers.....

....but DAMN it was so close!!

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John Dowdle’s 2008 Quarantine: aka [REC]

Quarantine: a strict isolation, usually imposed by the government in order to prevent the spread of something considered dangerous, such as that of disease. The duration of such being typically 40 days, presuming anyone would survive that long....

TV reporter Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) and her ever ready cameraman Scott (Steve Harris) are documenting a night in the life of the Los Angeles Fire Department - as seen from the inside - with the firemen themselves providing the guided tour. As the hours tick away and night settles in, Angela begins to itch for a call, albeit one not life threatening, so she and Scott can find some action to report in the otherwise boring night; something camera worthy.

Luckily they don't wait very long before a routine call comes in summoning them to a downtown apartment building where local cops are already on scene. Screams of torment can be heard coming from one of the tenants apartments though upon investigation, it's unclear exactly why she was screaming. The only signs of disorder is her foaming at the mouth, uncontrollable wheezing, and what appears to be dried blood covering the front of her nightgown and chin. The cops and firemen aren't too concerned with these minor details at first. At least not until the tenant decides to violently attack one of the cops with her teeth. Suddenly everyone is paying attention.

The whole "film documentary" effect seems to be coming somewhat commonplace in Hollywood, even though we saw it back in 1985, with the release of Cannibal Holocaust. The theatrical release of The Blair Witch Project in 1999 revived the concept, almost acting as a catalyst for copycat writers. I for one think The Blair Witch Project was highly overrated, but I seem to be in the minority with that thought. Since that time though, we have had George A Romero's Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, Welcome to the Jungle, and now Quarantine, the US version of the Spanish release [REC].

Quarantine was filmed rather effectively, providing the viewer a broader range of vision than what has been typical in this genre thus far. I would imagine this is largely due to the "character" in control of the camera being a cameraman by trade. Typically, the "documentarist" is a college kid, using a cam for the very first time, or some guy with glasses that keep getting in the way. The camera shakes, scenes are cropped, and you only see half the drama. Scott, the cameraman in Quarantine, was obviously "skilled" so camera shake or moments of un-focus were not due to inexperience, but rather unexpected and sudden events, resulting in them lasting briefly. I found the documentary effect of this movie to be virtually unnoticeable or annoying until the very end at which point, actually aided the fear factor.

In minutes from the tenant's attack on the police officer, the apartment building is sealed off from the outside world, with power and cell phone service stopped. Not only can the tenants no longer contact the outside world, but the outside world can no longer enter the quarantined zone. No explanation is given; no remedy is provided; and no hope is felt as the tenants begin to realize they have been left for dead. Their only explanation is that the CDC is following government orders and will kill them, rather than letting one of them out of the building.

So what do you do when you are trapped like mice, waiting for the snake to swallow you whole? You look for a way out. Any way out, to avoid suffering death on the inside. Death in a very unpleasant and painful manner. A manner none of them would have dreamed in their worst nightmares, or wished on their worst enemy. Only every way out is anticipated and blocked, and all paths lead back inside. Inside where hell is no longer a state of mind...

Quarantine does a great job of playing up the fear factor and scare tactics, although they lack in originality at times. There is a sufficient amount of bloodshed and gore to keep this film at an R rating, however it is no where near as much bloodshed and gore as has become standard for Hollywood. Did this detract from the movie? For me, not at all. I enjoyed this movie almost as much as the Dawn of the Dead remake. Will others enjoy this movie? Reviews show it will depend largely on whether or not you have actually seen the original [REC] - if you have, most likely this movie will suck, as reviewers claim it pales in comparison. If you have not seen [REC], chances are you will really enjoy this one. I have not seen [REC] and true to theory, I enjoyed Quarantine, and I really need to give credit for that to Jennifer Carpenter for her amazing portrayal of Angela. I felt her excitement at the thought of a real story when the call first came in. I felt her fear when the senseless killings and mass hysteria started. And I not only felt her terror, but believably saw it written on her every moment even after the credits rolled.

I have watched Quarantine 5+ times since its original release, and every time continues to leave me chilled. In my mind, that is the sign of a "keeper" worthy flick. And in my list of favorite zombie flicks, this one is in the top 10.

.......but to be perfectly honest, I can't wait to see [REC]!

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MTV 2010 Movie Awards Disappoints…WTF??

So... Twilight gets top honors.... Over Avatar? WTF??? I keep trying to remind myself that I am no longer 20something, and that the real 20somethings are taking over while I am left living in fantasy land.

A land where Avatar's Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington win best kiss.... cuz it was....

Where best movie for 2010 is named The Hangover.... cuz it was....

Where best female performance is Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side... cuz she was....

Where best break-out actor is Quinton Aaron.... cuz he was...

But no. Instead I live in a world when I am a used up cougar no longer in her 20's, and the real 20somethings overrule my vote with their theory that The Twilight Saga should win most everything.... which it did.

Gawd youth is so naive.

So anyway, instead of babbling on about how I am being cheated of unending youth, here is the list of winners for MTV's 2010 Movie Awards: (I cannot believe MTV did not ask for my opinion for the winners. WTF???)

BEST FIGHT SCENE
Beyonce Knowles vs. Ali Larter - Obsessed
Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber vs. Ryan Reynolds - X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Logan Lerman vs. Jake Abel - Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Robert Downey Jr. vs. Mark Strong - Sherlock Holmes
Sam Worthington vs. Stephen Lang - Avatar

**Winner: Beyonce Knowles vs. Ali Larter - Obsessed**

BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
Amanda Seyfried - Dear John
Emma Watson - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Hello?? Can you say "whine a little more, CryGirl?)
Sandra Bullock - The Blind Side
Zoe Saldana - Avatar

**Winner: Kristen Stewart - The Twilight Saga: New Moon**

BEST BREAKOUT STAR
Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air
Chris Pine - Star Trek
Gabourey Sidibe - Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
Logan Lerman - Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
Quinton Aaron - The Blind Side (you go, Quint!)
Zach Galifianakis - The Hangover (Breakout? This dude's been around as long as me-but I love him!)

**Winner: Anna Kendrick - Up in the Air**

BEST *SCARED AS SHIT* PERFORMANCE (New Category for 2010)
Alison Lohman - Drag Me To Hell (scared the shit out of me. That's for damned sure!)
Amanda Seyfried - Jennifer's Body
Jesse Eisenberg - Zombieland
Katie Featherston - Paranormal Activity
Sharlto Copley - District 9

**Winner: Amanda Seyfried - Jennifer's Body**

BEST KISS SCENE
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning - The Runaways (did this go straight to DVD or something? Cuz this one never showed up at the theaters in my redneck part of the woods...)
Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds - The Proposal
Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner - Valentine's Day
Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington - Avatar

**Winner: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon**

BEST *WTF??* MOMENT
Betty White - The Proposal (Cops a Feel) <--you go, girl!
Bill Murray - Zombieland (Bill Murray?! A Zombie?!) <--Hello!!
Isabel Lucas - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Unexpected Transformation)
Ken Jeong - The Hangover (Naked Trunk Surprise)
Megan Fox - Jennifer's Body (Vomits a Mysterious Black Ooze) <--Brush your teeth, Ho!

**Winner: Ken Jeong - The Hangover, Naked Trunk Surprise**

BEST VILLAIN
Christoph Waltz - Inglourious Basterds
Helena Bonham Carter - Alice In Wonderland
Ken Jeong - The Hangover
Stephen Lang - Avatar
Tom Felton - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

**Winner: Tom Felton - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**

BIGGEST BADASS STAR (New Category)
Rain
Angelina Jolie
Channing Tatum
Sam Worthington
Chris Pine

**Winner: Rain**

BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
Channing Tatum - Dear John
Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Taylor Lautner - The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Zac Efron - 17 Again

**Winner: Robert Pattinson - The Twilight Saga: New Moon**

GLOBAL SUPERSTAR (New Category)
Robert Pattinson
Kristen Stewart
Taylor Lautner
Johnny Depp
Daniel Radcliffe

**Winner: Robert Pattinson**

BEST COMEDIC PERFORMANCE
Ben Stiller - Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
Bradley Cooper - The Hangover
Ryan Reynolds - The Proposal
Sandra Bullock - The Proposal
Zach Galifianakis - The Hangover

**Winner: Zach Galifianakis - The Hangover**

BEST MOVIE
Alice In Wonderland
Avatar
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Hangover
The Twilight Saga: New Moon

**Winner: The Twilight Saga: New Moon**

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Detour – Hell’s Highway

Lesbo 1 and Lesbo 2 are driving across the desert on their way to some sort of "killer" rave when from out of nowhere a huge gloppy bloody mass splatters their windshield and causes them to mildly "crash" into a tumbleweed. In a feeble attempt to assess the problem, Lesbo 1 exits the car only to notice some sort of a Hellboy lookalike with a dual-hooked contraption strapped to his hand come stumbling along. Lesbo 1 thinks she can intimidate him into leaving them alone by wielding her Club Steering Wheel Lock but instead she is swiftly gashed open repeatedly by Hellboy wannabe's pointy hooks. In her last dying breath she tells her lover to "run" rather than "drive" so Lesbo 2 opts to run rather than drive and you don't have to have much imagination to figure out what happens next.

So beings "Detour" (aka "Cannibal Detour: Hell's Highway" by director Steve Taylor who apparently also directed a gem by the name of "Sludge" which I am sad to say I am somewhat salivating to see. Please don't tell my husband. He might divorce me.)

We then find a group of seven 20-somethings (all more or less no-name actors except for maybe B-queen Tiffany Shepis) driving cross country in a motor home when they decide to take a detour in the desert to score some killer peyote rumored to be in an isolated mine near an old military fort. They stop at a gas station to fuel up and although the owner of the station strongly urges them not to go, Neil, Tara, Harmony, Loopz, Michelle, Lee and Cashie have their own ideas about what a good time is and drive on anyway. In a matter of minutes (about 6 miles or so) they crash into a tree stump while trying to avoid hitting a little girl standing in the middle of their desert oasis. It's all downhill from here as one by one the kids are picked off and picked apart by a group of crazed, doped up sadistic cannibals.

"This place kinda grows on you..... like leprosy."

Fans of Wrong Turn and The Hills Have Eyes will enjoy the brutality of this one, even though you don't actually see faces ripped off or ingested. There is a rather non-titillating sex scene offering minor boobage but its fitting for the flick, and there are some pretty disgusting usages of feces, as well as a sufficient level of gore. Saw fans may not be entertained, but we all know I am not a huge Saw fan, so it makes sense I would like this one. And with the exception of Vanilla Ice rapper wannabe Loopz, the characters seem believable enough, even though they are somewhat challenged in the competent acting department.

I say YES to Detour with 2 hooks up. After all, if I can't have zombies, at least I have flesh eaters, and that is always a plus in my book.

Detour

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $9.98

Amazon Price: $8.47

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The IRS and Monsters That Suck

Taxes.

Anyone out there delay the inevitable besides me? Two extensions are allowed, but unless you want the wrath of the IRS Nazi police knocking down your door, at some point you have to file your damned taxes.

Well I for one don't want those Nazi Police knocking down my door so I filed my taxes, and I realized something in doing so. The IRS are a bunch of life draining sucking monsters. Here's why.

vampires

Vampires are a class of undead who exist by feeding on the blood of the living. Throughout literature and movies,vampires are depicted as a misunderstood race, wanting more than anything else to fit into society and be accepted. Yet they have little to no control over their insatiable urge to drink blood. Human blood. So it's almost like they don't want to be evil; they just are by nature. Plus they can't go out into daylight so it'd be kind of hard to fit in, but I'll save that ramble for another post...

Quite similarly, the IRS have leeches auditors who suck drink you dry of any cash you managed to escape paying in annual taxes. Think you completed your taxes accurately? Guess again. The IRS will prove you wrong. One way or another.

Succubus

For those of you who do not know what a succubus is, please allow me to explain.

A succubus is a demon who, while in the form a hot, sexy woman, will seduce a man for unadulterated sweaty sex. Then, while engaged in wild abandon, the succubus will suck the life right out of the man so that they can continue to exist while the horndog man dies.

Much like the succubus, the IRS lures you into their perverted fetish filled world with promises of tax refunds and stimulus checks, only to snatch them away the second you think you are actually going to get some of your hard earned dollars back. Talk about draining!

Zombies

You can't be a reader of my blog and not know what a zombie is or what they stand saunter for, but no matter how entertaining they are to watch, I don't want to get up close and personal with one. Face it. A zombie, no matter how cute and slow (as in short bus) is going to try to eat your brain. Period.

Now an IRS auditor, though not a member of the short bus, rather the "asswipe" bus, may not try to eat your brain, but they will try to eat your bank account. Plus any future deposits that would under normal circumstances deposit there. I don't why the bastards can't just leave me and my money alone. I mean I don't steal, I don't torture kids or small animals, I sometimes torture my husband but I think he secretly likes it - so whywhywhy does the IRS insist on taking money from me??

Werewolves

Werewolves are humans who have the capability to shape shift into a wolf like animal (creature if you prefer) either due to having been bitten by another werewolf, or due to having had a curse placed on them by some evil no good bitch witch.

Werewolves are rather crafty as when in their human form, you have no idea of their inner beast. Your co-worker could be a werewolf and you have no idea! How sucky would that be? You are at your company's christmas party, it happens to be a full moon - and suddenly your perverted co-worker that you hate is trying to rip your throat out after having morphed into a werebeast right in front of your eyes! I'm thinking that would ruin a really good buzz......

The IRS resembles werewolves because you never know how truly mean they are until they sink their teeth in you by auditing your 1040 or, worse yet, auditing your life! Yeh. Those suits can't hide THAT!

Conclusion

So monsters suck, and the IRS, sadly, resemble those monsters that suck. I wish I could just erase them from my memory, but sadly every year it's more of the same, and they rear their ugly heads all over again....

Sigh...... maybe I should just open a Tiki Hut in Jamaica, mon....

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ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction

In a nutshell, it's safe to say that if zombies are the subject matter, I am drooling. It's also safe to say that based on my affinity for B movies, it does not take much to impress me. Meaning it can be a pretty gawd awful movie and 9 out of 10 times, s'long as zombies are involved, I'm gonna love it. Unfortunately that is not the case with this movie and I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am that the AfterDark release of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction fit into that 1 out of 10 category.

Allow me to give you the meat and potatoes of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction:

Port Gamble is a little island town where everything appears to be sunshine and roses. White picket fences line each yard and everyone knows everyone else and waves to all in welcome. On the surface, life in Port Gamble is grand and everyone is happy, yet we see subtle clues alluding the to discontent of the townsfolk, a not so subtle foreshadowing of unpleasant things to come.

We see a blind man stumble upon an undead corpse washed ashore the local beach and before you can say "brainnnnnsss" he is bitten, and peaceful Port Gamble is mobbed by hungry zombies. Don't be fooled however, as these zombies are not where the true horror of ZMD lies. Instead, we learn the real horror lies in the masked bigotry of the townsfolk.

ZMD's main focus is Frida, an American of Iranian descent, and gay couple, Tom and Lance. It seems the townsfolk have kept buried their true feelings of these individuals, and the arrival of zombies has given voice to their prejudices, as well as granting them arrogance to inflict upon them physical torture. The townsfolk felt they could not cleanse their town of zombies until they cleansed their souls of their inner demons (zombies if you will.)

Was there blood in ZMD? Oh Yeh. lots of it actually. Were there humorous moments that made me laugh, albiet briefly? Sure. But was I bored out of my mind with the "message" of "the demon you don't know is sometimes worse than the demon you do know"? You better frickin' believe it. See, I live in the South; the Biblebelt South. And in my antiquated city, prejudice and ignorance is more commonplace than grilling out on game day. If I wanted to see a movie about such things, I'd take a trip into town with my snazzy Canon camcorder rolling, and replay it on my flatscreen tv....

I watch these movies to escape reality, not be reminded of it.

What happened to the good old days of the Evil Dead when a zombie movie was all about flesh eating corpses and really cool boom sticks? Or Planet Terror where there was so much action and bloodshed that no one gave two shits as to whether or not there was a hidden message. Am I being too harsh? Expecting too much?

Probably. And I would imagine if I were to watch it again, on a weekend perhaps, in a different state of mind (and with a bottle of wine in my belly) I would most likely actually enjoy it.... maybe. Once I embrace the "Political Zomedy" aspect of it rather than roll my eyes at it's message....

Ah, who am I kidding? This is one zombie movie that will NOT end up in my vault of keepers.

Zombies of Mass Destruction (After Dark Horrorfest 4)

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $14.98

Amazon Price: $10.42

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Classic Ray Liotta Brain Scene

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