Stephen King’s 1986 Maximum Overdrive

Why is it all the movies I love are gawd awful movies of Hollywood? For example, I love Tremors. Talk about a DUMBass movie - Tremors tops the charts. Bad acting, totally unbelievable story line, no boob shots or blood (although the graphics used to create the grab-oids was pretty cool.) And I gotta tell ya', I have watched that damned movie more than 20 times and have loved each and every viewing.

But Tremors is not what I want to talk about today. No, today is reserved for another one of my ridiculous B pleasures..... Maximum Overdrive. Oh yehhhhhhhhhh!

For whatever reason Stephen King's books have never been able to capture the same mood on screen as they do on paper. While his books leave you frighteningly chilled and speculating the "what ifs," the more recent movie versions always come across rather comical, silly, and most decidedly B. Rarely do you see his movie adaptations deliver the same effect as his earlier works such as Carrie or The Shinning. It's too bad really as his books can be amazingly disturbing.

Though not billed as a comedic horror film, Maximum Overdrive certainly has the feel of one. The basic premise of the film is that the earth passes through the tail of a comet at which point most all mechanical things seem to spring to life. Electric carving knives, blenders, remote control cars, trucks, semis - you get the picture. And for what ever reason, these mechanical things all seem to be rather angry and begin attacking humans indiscriminately.

I think one of my favorite scenes is where a mailman is delivering mail (on foot no less. You don't see that anymore) when out of no where a remote control truck begins to follow him. In a matter of minutes the toy knocks the mailman to the ground and proceeds to bash his brains in by repeatedly running into his head.

Now I can understand why some of you might find this frightening but keep in mind that this remote control truck is no taller than 10 inches so there is no reason why this mailman could not have just stomped on the blasted thing when it first ran into his ankle. Instead however he becomes a giant sally to the point the that truck is literally taking him down at the ankles (the term ankle-biter comes to mind.) And if that wasn't enough, instead of grabbing the truck with one or (here's a thought) BOTH hands, he instead cowers in a feeble attempt to use his arms as a shield against the attacking toy.

Ok, so I realize these numb-nuts are necessary in order to create a movie such as this; after all, had the mailman done what I suggested the movie would have taken a dramatically different turn and not been anywhere near as entertaining. So I suspend disbelief and find the humor in its delivery....

....which makes this next scene hysterical! It's when a soda machine decides to get even with some kid who was a little less than gentle in trying to enjoy a beverage.... and who wouldn't want a steam roller for backup?? Classic stuff!

So in a nutshell, Maximum Overdrive is the story of Billy (played by Emilio Estevez) who appears to be the "brains" behind a small group of humans that are trapped at the Dixie Boy Truck Stop where the possessed vehicles decide to "stock up" as it is right off the interstate. Billy quickly surmises that the trucks will allow them to live in exchange for pumping the life sustaining gas the trucks so desperately need. The only problem is that the gas will only last for so long, and the comet was to pass over their little world for a total of eight days. To survive those eight days while trucks and rigs have thought processes, can read the minds of humans, and exhibit homicidal tendencies proves to be an uneasy task for sure.... and if the gas does run out, what will become of them all?

What was curious about Maximum Overdrive was that cars, boats, and motorcycles never came to life, yet carving knives, blenders, and toy autos did. I can't help but think this is some type of prejudice on the part of the writer/director, Stephen King. What does he have against boats and motorcycles? Do muscle cars intimidate him? I find it hard to imagine Stephen King would overlook such an important detail; he loves detail!

Ah well, I guess it's a good thing I don't obsess about these things. If I begin to, I'll just pop in the soundtrack for this baby cuz every last song on it is performed by AC/DC, and that alone makes this movie worthwhile. Of course, so does the campy humor, blood (dare I say "gore"?) effects, and classic B dialogue. Yes, Maximum Overdrive is definitely a keeper for any true B movie lover.

2010′s The Crazies

I'm a very sarcastic person. Most people who I associate with in everyday life don't get that about me. They usually think I am being a bitch or just simply rude. They all just need to lighten up if you ask me and stop taking offense at everything I say. Why the hell should I have to walk around on eggshells all the time just because they are too slow or too stupid to know when I am busting their chops?

I think it would amaze them if they knew I held a certain affinity for zombies. Perhaps not in a good way; it might actually solidify their suspicions that I am certifiable. Fuck 'em I say, 'cuz on that inevitable day when zombies really do come to town we'll see who the last one standing will be: ME. That's right. This sarcastic bitch and I will be laughing the whole time saying "I told you so." Yup. I sure would. Cuz I am a bitch that way.

So speaking of zombies, any of you seen the new movie The Crazies yet? I did. Drug my hubby to it just today, and I gotta say, even though he was not terribly crazy about it, I was.

The Crazies is a remake of the 1973 flick of the same title, although the 1973 version was written and directed by none other than George A. Romano. I can't believe I haven't seen that one - or at least, I don't remember having seen it. I'm gonna have to log onto Netflix after writing this review to see if its available for instant download. I can't imagine I would have passed it up. Maybe my not remembering is a sign that it wasn't worth remembering...??

So as far as the 2010 Breck Eisner's version of The Crazies goes, I'd have to say it was pretty entertaining. This version jumps right into the suspense factor with Roy, the local Otis Campbell, who comes strolling onto the high school baseball field with loaded shotgun in tow resulting in his getting shot dead by town sheriff David Dutton. That same suspense continues to build, as we see Bill Farnum when he snaps and burns his wife and son alive. But don't think the fun stops there. The Crazies pretty much doesn't let up until the very end.

In a Nutshell

Focusing on sheriff David Dutton and his pregnant doctor wife Judy, The Crazies is about a big ass plane that goes down in the local water supply of the town of Ogden Marsh, Iowa. We soon learn the plane has contaminated the water supply with a viral pandemic, and the unlucky townsfolk who manage to become infected turn into veiny, bloody, unemotional killers. Luckily the government is on top of the plane fiasco and quickly send in troops to contain the situation by brute force, if necessary. True to form for this type of movie, this translates to everyone needing to be killed otherwise how else can we really know for sure if the pandemic has been eradicated?

So David, his wife Judy, his trusty deputy Russell Clark, and a couple of other survivor wannabes, are left to their own devices trying to stay alive, uninfected, and un-captured by the two faced militia.

The Delivery

The main character selection in The Crazies are most all faces you will recognize:  Timothy Olyphant as David (The Perfect Getaway, Hitman, Stop-Loss, among many more); Radha Mitchell as Judy (the Surrogates, Silent Hill, Man on Fire) and Joe Anderson as Russell (The Ruins, Control.) Their acting was pretty mediocre but definitely above B status which is a good thing considering the size of the paycheck I am sure they will rake in.  I actually found Anderson to be the most convincing of the bunch. Their reactions and actions in general were pretty realistic, but a little whiny on the part of David and Judy. I am sure the idea was to show the movies "softer side" but it came across as just plain annoying.

The military aspect was pretty believable. If you pay attention to the movie, you see it was obvious that the town was being watched and orders were being given and the military's response time and reaction to the infected were to be expected. We are also offered little bits of information throughout the movie that let you know the plane was government issue and its going down was the reason for the subsequent events, which tied the time line together pretty convincingly.

There really wasn't a gore element in The Crazies, but there was blood and really cool makeup effects on the infected. It certainly looked realistic and that is always a plus in my book, even if I am a fan of rubber creature features. The infected had a sadistic side and liked to inflict this sadism onto the uninfected in some pretty inventive blood splattering ways. I actually found myself cringing from the - dare I say brutality? - of the movie.

My .02 Cents

Although The Crazies is no where near as good as Carriers or Quarantine, it is definitely ginormously better than 2009's Pandemic (a movie I can't review because it was so bad that 30 minutes after having watched it, I forgot most everything about it.) And although its rather predicable (what horror movie isn't these days?) I think its safe to say that The Crazies is definitely my kind of flick. Sure a couple of gratuitous boob shots would have improved the movie, but Breck Eisner (who is also directing the 2012 remake of Flash Gordon) made up for it by having no real slow spots, not too terribly many holes, and offering plenty of violence. I was actually surprised more than once. Kudos, Breck Eisner!

Steven Seagal is Against The Dark

I learned a long time ago that Steven Seagal was used up pretty much after his second film, Hard to Kill. Not that he was good in those first two flicks, but rather that he was sort of good looking, could pull off fight scenes believably, and did not come across as being the arrogant prick he does now. Sure it'd be one thing if his arrogance was justified, but does he seriously think he's that good of an actor that his mere presence in a movie makes it a hit? Hello! Where has this man been for the last 20 years? Did he miss the part where his 30+ films sucked so bad that most either went straight to DVD, or he had such a small role that his presence went unnoticed? (Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior!)

And what the hell is up with Stevieboy's ponytail? Did someone once tell him that "Hey! That's a good look for you" so he decided he'd be buried with the damned thing? Is he afraid if he takes it down all his hair will fall out?

And heaven forbid he have any inflection in his voice or facial expressions. I guess it would detract from his "signature" dark and brooding look that he likes to display in all his roles. Pretty hard to screw up monotone.

Then last (but certainly not least) is of course Seagal's ever expanding waistline. You'd think with all his vast wealth he has earned from all these "hit" films, he'd be able to afford a trainer, but I suppose they would not teach him anything he doesn't already know, and I would imagine they would quit within the first 10 minutes of training.  So instead he wears that same black jacket, movie after movie (or at least they all look the same to me) since as well all know, black is very slimming.... Yet I watch Seagal's movies - many of them, anyway - probably because being a lover of gawd-awful cheesy movies, I know Steven Seagal will deliver. So imagine my elation when I found out he was in a movie that involved none other than vampires. Hell yeh!

2009's Against The Dark is another one of those flicks that start out in medias res where a contageous virus has turned all of the infected into flesh eating vampires. Everything about these vampires scream zombie but because they cannot go out in the daylight we learn they are actually vampires. It's a damned good thing they told me this early on in the movie, too. I needed the clarification 'cuz I was pretty convinced they were zombies.

So within the first 5-10 minutes we see that Seagal plays the role of Tao (ooohhhh, how symbolic) a "hunter" who slices and dices flesh eating vampires with ease as he rushes in to save the human life of a mere lad. Such a hero.

Scene break to six survivors who managed to be trapped inside an abandoned hospital while looking for meds as they search for an exit while simultaneously staying alive. Not so easy as the hospital is filled with the vambies / zompires that are just itching for yet another meal.

I'm not going to bother mentioning any of the other actors in this movie because true to form they are all basically no-name nobodies. I'm also not going to walk you through the chain of events that causes them to die, one by one, until the last remaining few are saved by our symbolic hero Tao. Nor will I go into detail about how the film is darkly shot in an attempts to hide the many flaws of our hero, as well as add to the fear factor of flesh and gore that is so prevalent throughout the film. I would however like to comment on the movie's soundtrack and how humorous I found it to be in the selection of music played to enhance our "amazing" vampire hunter. Hand picked by our star actor himself, I am sure.

Against the Dark did entertain me though, thanks in part to the ample blood and gore. Add that to the fact that nothing else was on tv and I was tired. Plus I was surfing the web while I was watching it. Besides, Seagal's screen time was all of maybe 15 minutes in total spread throughout so if nothing else, that shows promise... right? Almost makes me regret not having watched Lawman yet.

Yeh, rite!

Troma’s 1997 Bugged!

It's one thing to know stuff about yourself without really acknowledging what that stuff is. Like being told a particular pair of jeans makes your ass look fat but not believing the reality of it until it slaps you in the face because your ex best bud posted a picture of it all over Facebook. And as you feel your reality shift, blue skies suddenly turn black and the only thing that alleviates the pain of a big ass in tight jeans is by drinking a couple bottles glasses of wine.... which is really a sadistic irony since that very wine is what made your ass big to begin with.

Not that I know anything about big asses and tight jeans.....

No; the reality I am talking about is not realizing my ass could be potentially fat, but rather it's the reality that I like some really gawd awful movies. Now I knew this; felt it on a "I read it in a book once" level. But after last night the reality of exactly how awful smacked me in the face like a piece of Limberger cheese (and if you think THAT won't get your attention, try it. Just once. It's a smell you will NEVER forget.)

See, last night I watched Troma Entertainment's 1997 release "Bugged!" and I really liked it. If that is not testimony that I need psychiatric help, then I don't know what is.

Earning a whooping 3.2 stars from the IMDB voters, *Bugged! is the story of Devine, a devine poet who develops a slight bug problem. Actually they seem more like little grasshoppers but they are bugs no less and  overtaking her house. Whipping out the yellow pages, Devine passes over the well known "TERMINEX" ad and goes straight to the never heard of 'em "Dead And Buried Exterminators" listing. Yeh. The first sign of good times ahead.

But what our lovely little Devine doesn't know is that due to an incredibly idiotic chain of events and some rather nasty toxic waste, the strapping young "Dead and Buried" exterminators unknowingly dose the little bugs with body altering toxic waste instead of bug killing chemicals resulting in some frickin' huge ass flesh eating bugs instead of dead and buried ones!

From word one, the acting was horrible and did not improve with time. Scenes were predictable, and dialogue was beyond lame, but true to Troma form, it worked. Promoting campiness and cheese, Bugged used old school gore effects, meaning blood - if any- was obviously sugar thickened koolaid; guts did not ooze, and flesh did not bubble or puss or fall off the bone even when up close and personal with a stick of dynamite. Nope; the only scene that vaguely resembled anything like that was when one of the guys who was supposed to get rid of the toxic waste came into direct contact with it and ended up looking more like an extra from a Ron Jeremy movie, and if that's not a pretty disgusting descriptive visual then  check this picture out and judge for yourself:

Bugged! is not a movie for all horror (dare I call it horror?) fans but definitely fits the bill for fans of The Toxic Avenger series. I'd even wager a bet that fans of Sleepaway Camp would find this one rather entertaining. After all, they are all filled with camp and cheese - the kind that makes B movies so great. And that my fiends, translates into some pretty funny shit.

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*Promoting an all black cast, Bugged! is comedic horror at its best and prime pickings for Black Horror Movie History Month!

Adam McKay’s 2008 Step Brothers

We all have people in our lives that whether we want to admit it or not, we'd like to bury. And if that person happens to be alive when we do it.... well.... so be it.

Their problem, right?

Stephen Bradley’s 2005 Boy Eats Girl

This is one of my favorite zombie horror comedies. British humor at its best!!

Stephen Cragg’s 2009 Circle of Eight

Boy can I pick ' em. But in my defense, when I saw Stephen Cragg had directed one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and about 4 episodes of Reaper, I figured there was promise.... right? I mean both are great shows (that is before Buffy jumped the shark after season 6; no 4; no 6....) And Reaper... well, geez, what happened to that great show?? Why do they always cancel the ones I like? Tru Calling, Dollhouse.... Dead Like Me...

Boy, I sure can pick 'em.

This time, my pick was Circle of Eight. The DVD sleeve was so promising with its depiction of an ominous high rise apartment building with some pretty odd characters as tenants that mysteriously begin dying once Jessica moves in.....

Sounds like it could have potential, right?

Wrong.

In the movie world, Jessica may be the stupidest bimbo on 2 legs (except for maybe Penny in Penny Dreadful.) After feeling guilty for not saving her little brother from drowning, Jessica moves into the "Dante" apartment building where everything and anything happens.... all on day one. You'd think she'd realize her best course of action would be to leave as quickly as she arrived, but no; she stays. Just like all stupid bimbettes in these types of movies. Guess we would not have a movie otherwise...

For starters, Jessica (small potato actress Austin Highsmith) meets her oddball neighbors (also small potato actors you won't recognize except for maybe DJ Qualls) who for whatever reason, feel right at home with Jessica. So much so that they walk right into her apartment, uninvited and without knocking. Almost as if they know her, and know her well. Hint Hint.

And you would think Jess would ask questions whenever her brand new neighbors (whom she has known for all of an hour) seem to know personal details about her she had not shared since arriving. Nor had she been freaked out enough to leave the building once she found one of her new neighbors hanging bloodied and dead from the ceilings rafters. No, our little naive waif thinks its smarter to hole herself up in new dark and dreary apartment. Makes perfect sense to me.

Such promise this movie had. Such apparent high hopes I had for it.  But Circle of Eight left more loose ends than the number of advertisers who have dropped Tiger Woods. And none of it makes any sense until the last 5 minutes when all the pieces come together but leave you with at least 2 new questions, and a really big "WTF?" expression on your face....

So if you happen to be at your local video rental store and Circle of Eight catches your eye, don't be fooled like I was. It's definitely a waste of time.

Phil Claydon’s 2009 Lesbian Vampire Killers

Ah yes, English movies (English as in the UK, not as in the USofA.) Why is it British comedic type horror movies always leave me laughing? Dead Alive, Shaun of the Dead, Boy Eats Girl.... all dark horror comedies that I love, and all greatly entertaining.

So it's pretty much safe to say that once I added the video clip of the British gem "Lesbian Vampire Killers" to my sidebar I had no choice left but to rent it. Epitomizing everything B and then some, it called to me from the nether regions of cheese. I should probably tell you right out of the gate though that the promise of gratuitous boob shots offered by the trailer was nothing more than a tease, as they neglected to insert any into the actual film. But don't think that means you won't have a good time... I am here to assure you that you will.

I mean seriously - when a lesbian vampire is staked with a tree limb and her last dying breath is an exhale in the form of a fart... well, it's got to be a good time, right?

Cause & Effect

Centuries ago, Lesbian-Witch-Vampire-Queen-Carmilla convinces Baron Wolfgang MacLaren's wife to switch sides. Propelled by jealousy (and most likely "Little Mans Syndrome") Baron MacLaren seeks revenge by serving Carmilla her head on a platter, but not before she curses both the local town of Cragwich, vowing that every female living there will turn into a flesh eating lesbian vampire on her 18th birthday, and the Baron's blood line, promising that once the last of his blood is born and sleeps with a virgin, Carmilla will return and basically all hell will break loose and ruin the world as we know it.

The Evil Bitch.

Needless to say that at some point in time, the townsmen decided to switch sides as well. Apparently turning gay is a better life lived than a life cut too short by being eaten alive by a hot lesbian vampire who just turned 18.

Result

Two somewhat oafish fellows, naive Jimmy and immature Fletch, are having a rather bad day. Jimmy's wife just dumped him for some married guy, while Fletch got fired from his job as a clown because he felt the need to hit an annoying little imp at one of his gigs (my kind of guy.)

They decide to go on a countryside camping trip and drunkenly choose Cragwich as their destination.  After a particularly planned chain of events set into motion by a knowing innkeeper, our two boys find themselves holed up in a lodge with four somewhat eager and willing females with silicone implants and rather short skirts. The girls announce they are hoping to locate the Vampire Queen Carmilla, while the boys silently hope they will just get laid.

So while Fletch parties is up with Heide, Anke and Trudi, Jimmy hits it off with Lotte. Sparks are flying, beer is pouring, and shirts are coming unbuttoned.... but then the damned lesbian vampires have to go and ruin their good time by surrounding the cottage and converting all the girls except for Lotte. It's at this time we learn Jimmy is the last of the Baron MacLaren's bloodline, and it is the lesbian vampires intention of having him fulfill the curse/prophecy of resurrecting Carmilla.

They can die fast, or they can die slow. But die they must.

Conclusion

Fletch manages to escape and hook up with the local Reverend Vicar who informs Fletch that Jimmy is their only hope of putting an end to the vicious curse crippling Cragwich. The way he is going to do that is with Di-El-Do, the only weapon capable of destroying Carmilla. (The fact that Di-El-Do resembled a dildo was purely coincidental I am sure, but fit into the film rather well. Kudos to the writers! Hmmm.... I wonder what the Reverend Vicar was doing with it all this time??)

Now.... if only Fletch can actually deliver Di-El-Do to our unsung hero Jimmy, who in turn could actually wield its death blow to the evil-vampire-lesbo-witch-bitch-Carmilla then maybe, just maybe, our two boys will finally get laid and the menfolk of Cragwich will finally have the long lost option of being heterosexual if they so choose. Good times, I tell ya! Good times.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is in a nutshell, delicious. The gore and blood effects were awesome even though they were a bit clumsy. I have to ask though, why do all the vampires in this flick bleed milk? Blood would definitely have been more effective but surprisingly the milk factor did not detract much from the movie. There was plenty of blood-filled gore to make up for it (not to mention a few hallucinogenic orgy scenes involving half naked lesbian vampires.)

Surprisingly the milk element actually added to the originality of the movie. It was certainly interesting -albeit somewhat weird- and definitely cheesy, but decidedly original. Probably one of the main reasons I did enjoy this flick as much as I did.

If you have not yet seen this one, I strongly suggest doing so. You won't be sorry.