B-Movie Mania: 50% Cheesy, 50% Bloody & 100% Fun

Miriam-Webster defines horror as “a painful and intense fear, dread, or dismay” - exactly the kind of movie I like. The kind that makes you second guess turning out the lights because every little noise or shadow flickering on the wall convinces you that someone (or something) is lying in wait…. Waiting for you to fall asleep so he (or it) can pounce on you when you least expect it and are at your most vulnerable. When you are alone.

Horror movies of the B-genre seem to have a cult following: you either love them or hate them. They are entertaining; predictable; and at times, stupid. Ok - so alot of times stupid - but they always mange to entice you with their campy antics and predictable plots.

What is the definition of a “B”movie? Well, the text book version is a movie with a low budget and no name actors, whether it be comedy, drama, sci-fi or horror. My preference is horror. And the cheesier the movie, the more I like it.

Horror B-movies have certain criteria that need to be met. Wes Craven’s Scream trilogy touched on the majority of them but did not get quite as specific as I intend to. The criteria I look for in a B movie are as follows:

1. Spread out. Do not stay in groups of more than 2, and even that is one too many people. Gotta make it easy for the sociopath or beast that is hot on your tail.

2. Be predictable. Do everything you know not to do so it makes you an easier target to kill, main, or torture.

3. Have sex. After all, it’s a proven theory that virgins don’t get killed and what fun is that?? Plus you gotta have boob shot to make up a really good B movie anyway. It’s a requirement.

4. Do not pick up anything that can be used as a weapon. Fighting back is not allowed and to do so goes against the very grain of the B genre. You must run. Or cower in place screaming like a silly school girl who just saw a frog. A dead frog.

5. Place yourself in the path of danger. Example: Holiday Inn left off the exit; Bates Motel to the right. We don’t need to be a rocket scientist to know which direction to take……..

6. Make sure you have to pee or shower. Face it. All good B movies have a bathroom scene. Be it on the toilet with your pants around your ankles or naked in the shower washing off the blood of you boyfriend who just got slaughtered in front of you. Anyway you slice it (pun intended), a bathroom scene is a must. Plus it adds another potential boob shot.

7. Go out at night. Better yet, go out at night without protection. Who cares that everyone you know is getting dismembered by some unidentifiable beast; you are different and will conquer all evils that come before you………..yeh ok………….

8. Be in a “dead zone.” You know what I am talking about - tower service. Cell coverage. Place yourself in a situation where there is none. And if there is coverage, make sure you forgot to charge your battery.

9. Drive a crappy car. Of if the car isn’t so crappy, make sure its on “E”. What’s even better is when you flood the engine trying to start it up as you run screaming like a little girl from some guy with a pick ax……….

10. Drink alcohol. Or if you prefer, do drugs. Either way, it’s a sure fire guarantee that the bad guy will find you, and it will be too late for you when you realize its not your boyfriend grabbing you from behind.

I know there are more that are escaping me at the moment. Please feel free to add your own in my comments. I’d love to hear other points of view…..

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