Detour – Hell’s Highway

Lesbo 1 and Lesbo 2 are driving across the desert on their way to some sort of "killer" rave when from out of nowhere a huge gloppy bloody mass splatters their windshield and causes them to mildly "crash" into a tumbleweed. In a feeble attempt to assess the problem, Lesbo 1 exits the car only to notice some sort of a Hellboy lookalike with a dual-hooked contraption strapped to his hand come stumbling along. Lesbo 1 thinks she can intimidate him into leaving them alone by wielding her Club Steering Wheel Lock but instead she is swiftly gashed open repeatedly by Hellboy wannabe's pointy hooks. In her last dying breath she tells her lover to "run" rather than "drive" so Lesbo 2 opts to run rather than drive and you don't have to have much imagination to figure out what happens next.

So beings "Detour" (aka "Cannibal Detour: Hell's Highway" by director Steve Taylor who apparently also directed a gem by the name of "Sludge" which I am sad to say I am somewhat salivating to see. Please don't tell my husband. He might divorce me.)

We then find a group of seven 20-somethings (all more or less no-name actors except for maybe B-queen Tiffany Shepis) driving cross country in a motor home when they decide to take a detour in the desert to score some killer peyote rumored to be in an isolated mine near an old military fort. They stop at a gas station to fuel up and although the owner of the station strongly urges them not to go, Neil, Tara, Harmony, Loopz, Michelle, Lee and Cashie have their own ideas about what a good time is and drive on anyway. In a matter of minutes (about 6 miles or so) they crash into a tree stump while trying to avoid hitting a little girl standing in the middle of their desert oasis. It's all downhill from here as one by one the kids are picked off and picked apart by a group of crazed, doped up sadistic cannibals.

"This place kinda grows on you..... like leprosy."

Fans of Wrong Turn and The Hills Have Eyes will enjoy the brutality of this one, even though you don't actually see faces ripped off or ingested. There is a rather non-titillating sex scene offering minor boobage but its fitting for the flick, and there are some pretty disgusting usages of feces, as well as a sufficient level of gore. Saw fans may not be entertained, but we all know I am not a huge Saw fan, so it makes sense I would like this one. And with the exception of Vanilla Ice rapper wannabe Loopz, the characters seem believable enough, even though they are somewhat challenged in the competent acting department.

I say YES to Detour with 2 hooks up. After all, if I can't have zombies, at least I have flesh eaters, and that is always a plus in my book.

Detour

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $9.98

Amazon Price: $9.98

Share this post!

ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction

In a nutshell, it's safe to say that if zombies are the subject matter, I am drooling. It's also safe to say that based on my affinity for B movies, it does not take much to impress me. Meaning it can be a pretty gawd awful movie and 9 out of 10 times, s'long as zombies are involved, I'm gonna love it. Unfortunately that is not the case with this movie and I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am that the AfterDark release of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction fit into that 1 out of 10 category.

Allow me to give you the meat and potatoes of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction:

Port Gamble is a little island town where everything appears to be sunshine and roses. White picket fences line each yard and everyone knows everyone else and waves to all in welcome. On the surface, life in Port Gamble is grand and everyone is happy, yet we see subtle clues alluding the to discontent of the townsfolk, a not so subtle foreshadowing of unpleasant things to come.

We see a blind man stumble upon an undead corpse washed ashore the local beach and before you can say "brainnnnnsss" he is bitten, and peaceful Port Gamble is mobbed by hungry zombies. Don't be fooled however, as these zombies are not where the true horror of ZMD lies. Instead, we learn the real horror lies in the masked bigotry of the townsfolk.

ZMD's main focus is Frida, an American of Iranian descent, and gay couple, Tom and Lance. It seems the townsfolk have kept buried their true feelings of these individuals, and the arrival of zombies has given voice to their prejudices, as well as granting them arrogance to inflict upon them physical torture. The townsfolk felt they could not cleanse their town of zombies until they cleansed their souls of their inner demons (zombies if you will.)

Was there blood in ZMD? Oh Yeh. lots of it actually. Were there humorous moments that made me laugh, albiet briefly? Sure. But was I bored out of my mind with the "message" of "the demon you don't know is sometimes worse than the demon you do know"? You better frickin' believe it. See, I live in the South; the Biblebelt South. And in my antiquated city, prejudice and ignorance is more commonplace than grilling out on game day. If I wanted to see a movie about such things, I'd take a trip into town with my snazzy Canon camcorder rolling, and replay it on my flatscreen tv....

I watch these movies to escape reality, not be reminded of it.

What happened to the good old days of the Evil Dead when a zombie movie was all about flesh eating corpses and really cool boom sticks? Or Planet Terror where there was so much action and bloodshed that no one gave two shits as to whether or not there was a hidden message. Am I being too harsh? Expecting too much?

Probably. And I would imagine if I were to watch it again, on a weekend perhaps, in a different state of mind (and with a bottle of wine in my belly) I would most likely actually enjoy it.... maybe. Once I embrace the "Political Zomedy" aspect of it rather than roll my eyes at it's message....

Ah, who am I kidding? This is one zombie movie that will NOT end up in my vault of keepers.

Zombies of Mass Destruction

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $14.98

Amazon Price: $9.49

Share this post!

The Beastmaster – “B” at it’s Best

There are certain movies that I can watch repeatedly - to the point where the DVD/VHS needs to be replaced due to extreme signs of usage - and never tire of them. Movies like The Wedding Singer, that is so ridiculous, and 80's and yet speaks to me on so many levels. Movies like Wrong Turn (cannibalism at its finest); Quintin Tarantino's Death Proof (review to follow) or The Faculty, where you have a bunch of freaky high school kids who are just trying to get by end up trying just not to get possessed by aliens. My endless list of these types of movies reinforce the fact that I am what my husband lovingly refers to as "The Uber Dork" (at least I'm hoping its lovingly.) I like to think I help keep lame movie producers in business. My good deed, if you will.

One of my favorites from the '80's is the bubblegum fantasy film "The Beastmaster" directed by none other than Don Coscarelli, the man who gave us Phantasm (another excellent movie.)

Beastmaster is the story of Dar (Marc Singer) - who, as a fetus, was sucked out of his mother's womb by a disgustingly ugly witch, and unceremoniously deposited into the belly of a cow. After his parents were killed at the order of the Evil Priest Maax (since Dar's mom was the queen and all,) Dar was cut from the belly of the cow, branded with some sort of symbol on his poor little palm, and about to be knifed to death by the witch as a type of sacrifice when a farmer happened along and saved his newborn life.

Dar was raised by said farmer as though he were his own son, so when the Jun Horde show up at the order of Evil Priest Maax (Rip Torn) and destroy his village and everything and everyone he has grown to love, Dar sets out for revenge.

What we learn about Dar is that he has a special "power" - he can talk to animals with his mind. He develops a bond with a black tiger whom he "rescues" and refers to as his "strength." He then adopts two ferrets that tried to steal from him, his "cunning," and a hawk, whom he refers to as his "sight" (since he can "see" what the hawk sees.)

It's not long into his mission when Dar stumbles across some half naked women bathing in a river, of which one in particular catches his eye. We learn this woman is Kiri, (Tanya Roberts) a slave girl, and Dar adds rescuing her to his list of things to do.

The Beastmaster certainly has his work cut out for him. To do this alone would be tough, so luckily Dar meets up with Seth (John Amos of Good Times - yes, I said Good Times)and Tal (Joshua Milrad.) Which is about the time things begin to get complicated.

So let's recap just to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. Dar needs to:

• Defeat the Jun Horde
• Kill the evil priest Maax
• Rescue and get a little nookie from Kiri
• Save Kiri's uncle (who is also Tal's dad)  who is being held prisoner by the Evil Priest Maax (did I forget to mention that part?)
• Save the day and attain HERO status thereby being the envy of all men and the desire of all women
• Try not to get killed in the process of items above

Oh and I should probably add "don't get turned into a Death Guard." And before you ask, I will tell you.

A death guard is one who protects - to the death -  the "empire" the Evil Priest Maax robbed, pillaged and slaughtered to obtain. You start by taking a prisoner, adorn him with studded leather collars and spikes, then force a leech like critter to crawl into his ear, where it then travels to his brain and causes instant insanity and inhuman strength. Doesn't that sound like a fun time? Just don't get in his way, cuz' it's gonna hurt if you do. Alot.

Fans of Conan the Barbarian and Krull will love this movie as the campiness and cheese factor is every bit as prevalent. Add some sword and sorcery play, the required B boob shots, some chiseled abs, and you are looking at a really fun time.

It turns out there might even be some incest in this movie, as we learn Dar is related to Kiri, but don't dwell on that part. Focus instead on the intense fight scenes, the insanely cunning ferrets, the well developed story line, and the wonderful B actors that deliver a total B movie delight. You won't "B" disappointed!

Share this post!

C.H.U.D

B-movies. Who doesn’t love them? With their D-list actors delivering solid B characters, and a cheese factor that would make any wine lover drool…. Who cares if the story line is unrealistic and downright ridiculous? I for one don’t; I enjoy the hell out of it!

C.H.U.D., a wonderful lil' gem considered a cult classic from 1984, starts out just almost like every other horror movie of the 70’s and 80’s, offering up a victim within the first five minutes. Here we see a woman walking her puppy through the desolate alleys of Manhattan, New York get pulled into a manhole by some unseen foe and whisked away to the city's underbelly below. And just as quickly as the attack happens, it’s over and the streets are once again seemingly deserted.

The key players we meet are:

• George Cooper (played by the not so unknown John Heard) a fashion photographer who ironically won an award for a photojournalism piece he wrote on the “Mole People” of New York, homeless people that reside in the city’s underground recesses. It seems the chick in the opening abduction was his wife, and now he is investigating her disappearance, as well as others.

• “The Reverend” aka A. J. Sheppard (Daniel Stern) a somewhat hippy-fied fellow who mans a soup kitchen out of his quickly deteriorating row house, where he feeds the Mole People on a regular basis.

• Murphy (J. C. Quinn) a freelance reporter that is starting to suspect “something strange is happening under our city streets.”

Individually these characters are kind of lame. Put them together however and they sort of feed off of each other (for lack of better verbiage) resulting in a pretty entertaining flick. Plus they become “smarter” (and I use that term loosely.)

Now see if you can follow along 'cuz it gets a little "complex" even for a B movie:
Cooper gets called down to the station by a Mole person, to bail her out for trying to steal a gun. It seems she wanted this gun for her brother Victor, who apparently needs the gun for protection against some "Ugly Fuckers." Wanting to talk to Victor about this, Cooper accompanies the sister to her underground paradise, only to find Victor definitely did need protection from the "Ugly Fuckers" when he was shown that a massive chunk of Victor's leg had been gnawed off by those same "ugly fuckers!" Being the professional photographer he was, Cooper wasted no time in taking a series of rather graphic impressive stills as evidence!

So for various reasons I won't divulge, Sheppard steals borrows these photos from Cooper's place and uses them, along with some other damning evidence he found underground, as leverage at a meeting he has arranged with the chief of the NYPD, the commissioner of NYPD, and another fellow by the name of Mr. Wilson from the NRC (the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.) It is at this meeting that he learns of a scandal where the NRC had tried to dispose of toxic waste by transporting it though Manhattan's sewer and subway tunnels. Unfortunately they were shut down by the city halfway through the process, which resulted in the underground being a giant dumping spot for this radioactive filth!

Well needless to say, the chief, the commissioner, and Wilson vehemently deny that this tonnage of filth has anything at all to do with the disappearances of so many homeless, and balk at the concept of the "ugly fuckers." In a snowball chain of events however, we learn of “C.H.U.D.” - a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, and the cops have just found one!! (Translation: C.H.U.D.'s are bums who have been severely mutated by the toxic filth and the cops just found a dead one! Ugh.)

Now you might be wondering what a C.H.U.D. looks like, and I'd have to tell you - pretty "fucking ugly!" Up close they look like Freddy Kruger would if he were oozing in between all those exposed tendons and veins. Plus they have these really creepy glowing eyes, and they bleed green gelatinous blood. Yuck! But from a distance, they look like some guy in a pretty lame Halloween costume. It's really rather sad how up close the graphics are pretty damned good but from far away, they are so laughable.

So anyway, with the underground running out of food for the C.H.U.D.'s, they begin to hunt above ground. This is a great scene because here we have a very young John Goodman and equally young Jay Thomas playing roles as goofy cops in a diner that end up being the meal instead of getting a meal.

The movie climaxes with a team from the NRC and a couple flame throwing cops, setting out to put a stop to the C.H.U.D.'s once and for all, but they prove to be rather ineffective. What will they do? Can the city be saved from the increasingly multiplying and carnivorous C.H.U.D's? Well... you are just gonna have to watch it to find out.

In true tradition of a classic B-movie, this one is really... well.... stupid. but admitted a classic in the B genre, therefore expected. The relatively no name actors perform remarkably well however, and even though you might find yourself occasionally shaking your head in utter disbelief (versus sheer disbelief) these moments are core criteria for B-films, and you would not be left with the same impression without them.

Share this post!

Diary of the Dead

George A Romero is another one of my favorite directors. He has a fetish for zombies much like I do, and that usually translates to a good film.

I confess I have been hesitant to watch Diary of the Dead. The whole "film within a film" aspect is a bit tiresome to me and not very effective. While I did enjoy Cloverfield which also used the same gimmick, I did not enjoy the Blair Witch Project, the movie that really put the concept on the map. It makes me feel like I keep trying to look behind my head without moving it; I can see things in my peripheral, but they never completely come into focus. I didn't let it stop me, though, and I was happy to see that the Diary of the Dead distracted me with bloodshed and mayhem almost from the word go.

The movie starts out with college boy Jason directing a mummy movie (conveniently titled "The Death of Death") in the woods of Pennsylvania. He has very specific ideas about how the dead should "act" and makes no qualms about telling his subordinates how to deliver the part. It's about this time they hear on their radio urgent news reports of the walking dead and heed the advise to take cover as quick as possible.

What started out as such an ordinary day turns brutal in a matter of hours, and soon the crew find themselves using their RV as a weapon against a multitude of zombies, running them through and over, littering the streets in bloody body parts. Unfortunately it's not without consequence, and the RV's driver not being able to withstand the devastating realization of what they had just done puts a bullet to her head.

Now I think this is a perfect time to tell you guys that if you are being chased by zombies and for whatever reason decide to take you own life, make sure you do it right the first time. Cuz I gotta tell ya, if you don't do it right, you will come back as a zombie. Now if that's your thing, then great. Have at it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

So now we have zombies at every turn, a half dead chick on our hands (cuz she didn't do it right) and a wannabe director who decides that he needs to film all of these events for posterity as a documentary for others to watch and learn from (hence the "film in a film.") What I liked about this one though, is that not every shot was through his camera's lens, so if I did start to feel a little dizzy by the tunnel vision it caused, I was given a reprieve in between shots.

If you know anything at all about horror, then you know that a hospital is probably the last place you want to be, especially when you are dealing with zombies. These kids apparently have never read my blog and opted instead to take dying girl to the local hospital. Needless to say, it was not a smart plan. Things get really brutal at this point, and one by one, the crew ends up undead dead.

Throughout the entire movie, Jason's girlfriend is recapping the events of their horrific ordeal, continuing their testimony where Jason left off. It's immediately obvious that the zombie invasion was unexpected (to say the least,) fast, and devastating. They, like almost every other photographer, videographer, and youtuber not yet un-dead, have made it a mission to transmit the deadly events via internet and tv, to educate and warn those who may not realize the imminent apocalypse was upon them. So people would not forget.

Diary of the Dead was not designed for the action as found in 2004's Dawn of Dead; instead it focuses on the symbolism of us, the living, feeding off of them, the un-dead. I didn't feel the depth I think Romero was going for, but then again, I don't watch zombie movies for depth; I watch them for bloodshed and gore and people getting eaten.

While the action may not be plentiful, the blood certainly is. The graphics were very well executed and well paced for my tastes, not to mention the survivors got a bit creative in their weapon choices. Definite food for thought for any apocalypse we might actually endure in the coming months years.

While I would recommend any zombie fan to watch this movie (how could you call yourself a zombie fan and not watch this movie?) I don't think it will go down as one of the top 10, or even 20 in the genre. With the progression of CGI effects, complex story lines, and fresh meat upcoming eager directors, I think there needs to be a lot more substance to sink our teeth into (and by that I do not mean guts and dismemberment) in addition to hidden meaning and symbolism.

The movie ends as it should, with no real winners and no real end in sight, other than to show what our world inevitably becomes. The last scene is two jethros hillbillies rednecks hunters, out for a good time killing zombies. Their target is a female zombie, hanging by her hair from a tree, and they blow her to smithereens.

The result for me was the sad realization of what our world could easily become in the aftermath, how barbaric we as people could become. How we would have to become in order to survive. I actually found myself feeling sorry for the female zombie, as she was a victim long before she became a victimizer.

If nothing else, this movie makes you think, provided you are of the open mind to consider such things. And if not zombies, then substitute them for say, terrorists, or guerillas. Think in terms of Red Dawn, a absolutely fantastic movie that has nothing to do with zombies.

I’m not sure if I have the sack to blow someone’s brains out, even if they are the walking dead. Of course I would have no qualms about blowing some stinkin’ zombies brains out…..

… but would you?

Share this post!

Texas Chainsaw IV (cuz 3 wasn’t enough!)

Back in 1994 a couple of no name actors decided to hook up with an equally no name low budget writer (Kim Henkel) who decided to make his directorial debut with yet another installment in the Chainsaw series. I might also add that this debut was his ONLY directorial effort.

Never heard of him? Neither have I. But I have heard of the two no name actors in this installment: Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger. Talk about an odd combination!

So the movie starts out with some kids at prom: geeky Jenny (played by Renee), her boyfriend Sean, not geeky Heather, and Heather's boyfriend Barry. When Heather catches Barry cheating on her, she grabs Jenny and Sean and together they take off in Barry's car. Well Barry goes running after them, ends up getting in the car, argues with Heather, and collectively they manage to get into two separate car accidents. The second of which leaves them stranded late at night in the Texas wilderness.

Talk about a set up! Wrecked car, sex starved kids, woods, night.... hhhmmm.... the only thing missing is a psychopath!

Enter psychopath tow truck driver Vilmer, played by none other than Matthew McConaughey. Naturally I was gaa-gaa when I saw him, even though they had equipped him with a gimp leg that had some type of mechanical contraption thingy attached to it - he still looked hot! (At least, up until he killed his first victim!)

So in keeping with the required criteria, the kids split up. Sean stays with the car, Heather and Barry end up running after another car, and Jenny kind of stands around looking for some sort of portal that will take her back to Kansas.

Problem is, Kansas can't be seen from Texas, and poor little wandering Jenny finally gets picked up by Vilmer. His sparkling (I use that term loosely) personality does nothing to dissuade her from getting into his truck where she soon finds out the dead body of her boyfriend is being temporarily stored!

YIKES!

There's not a whole lot of deep dialog in this movie (it's not a B-movie requirement, ya' know) but there is a hell of alot of yelling. Mostly by Jenny, Vilmer, and the chainsaw wielding Leatherface. There is also some really classic B-moves that I feel need to be pointed out:

• Jenny climbs UP to get away from Leatherface. And by "up" I mean to the top of the antennae on the roof! DUH! Am I the only one who sees this as being a potentially bad move??

• After being almost filleted by Leatherface, tortured by Vilmer, and witness to some really twisted shit, Jenny gets into a limo with the first guy that asks her to. Hmmmm..... wonder if there is another psycho in that there car??

• When Vilmer goes extra wacko and starts cutting various parts of his body open, he doesn't gush blood. As a matter of fact, in a matter of a minute, he wounds are nothing more than mere scratches. Super human healing powers! Cool!

• When Jenny hooks up with some grandma and grandpa in an RV towards the end of the movie, they wreck, and no one bothers to see if they lived, died, or decided to go out for a bite to eat.....

I am sure there are more but these are what stick out in my mind at the moment. That, and the fact that nobody gets eaten in this movie. As a matter of fact, dinner was take out pizza! WTF??? It's supposed to be a family of redneck cannibals, and what we get instead is some guy who is convinced people from another planet are spying on him. LAME! (But in a very entertainingly cheesy sort of way.)

Anyway, almost everybody gets diced up, as they should in movies such as this, so be sure not to form any special "you had me at hello" attachment to any of the key players. Though there isn't a tremendous amount of bloodshed or gore, there is certainly enough mayhem to keep you entertained throughout. The movie starts up with a bang, and continues to hold it til the last breath is drawn.

This was the first real role in film for both actors, and it's obvious their careers did not suffer because of it. Not everyone enjoys really cool movies such as this (not like I do, anyway) so both Matt and Renee opted for a movie career path with more substance. Luckily there are a bunch more no name, no talent actors where they came from!

Unfortunately this was the last of the Chainsaw installments, though a couple of them were remade. This movie makes it official that I basically like them all. What about you? Have you seen it?

Share this post!

The Creeps come out at night…

If you make it past the first 5 minutes where the "aliens" are setting up the plot, you might get a good chuckle or two out of Night of the Creeps. The problem with the beginning is that these aliens are obviously little midget people in fat suits running around in a manner that implies they might be searching for the short bus. There is dissension among their ranks, and just before it gets bloody, one of the aliens expels something that looks like a pod from the bowels of the ship. Hhhhmmm......

Break away to 1952. Two college kids are out parking. (Do kids even do that these days?) Typical for B-movie needs, the guy takes off into the woods for a leak. In his absence the chick in the convertible car gets visited by an escaped psycho who axes her to death. While this is happening, the guy in the woods stumbles upon where the alien pod landed. We learn the thing that the alien was carrying is some slug like creature that breaks out of the pod and propels itself into the mouth of the guy.

Fast forward to 1986. Big hair; bad clothes; great music..... ahhhh the memories.......

Here we have college kids trying to fit in and trying to get laid, picking on nerdy kids, and providing gratuitous boob shots that have become a staple of B-movie worthiness. The acting was laughable, the cast was mostly no name actors, the script was so obviously memorized.... all in all, this was turning out to be a GREAT movie!

We see the main boob character, Chris, taking a shine to sorority girl Cindy, who tries to win her over by pledging to a fraternity. His mission? Steal a body from the morgue and leave it at a designated spot on campus.

Now apparently the dude from 1952, the one with the alien slug in his body, was cryogenically frozen and being kept unsafely locked away at said morgue, so when smart boy Chris and his buddy CJ end up unfreezing said dude (hey - it's a body, right?) they discover he isn't really "dead" and run away like the scared little sissies they were. In a matter of a minute, 1952 dude slug-infects the dumb science guy who had him unsafely locked away, then wanders out into the night to wreck more havoc on the town.

Before you know it, the campus is overrun with zombie-inducing slugs and it doesn't take long for them to connect with bodies. Frat bodies. The used up cop on the case, ironically the same cop on the case from 1952, announces their arrival with a classic one liner: "Girls, the good news is that your dates are here. The bad news is that they are all dead!"

Who could have predicted that this movie would turn out to be such a gem? Writer/director Fred Dekker is to thank for this masterpeice, and this movie isn't his only nugget of delight. He actually has a small number of them to his credit.

Things to know about this film ahead of time however (so you on't be disappointed when you see it) are the following:

• The zombies in this film don't eat people. They spew out those damned slug things into your mouth.
• You never find out why the 1952 guy was cryogenically frozen, or if the government ever knew about the slugs or pod or any of it.

Like so many movies I watch, this one is not for everyone. But if you enjoyed Shaun of the Dead or Idle Hands, you will probably love this one every bit as much as I did. Even if the zombies don't eat the nerdy cool kids.

Share this post!

Troma’s 1986 “Class of Nuke ‘Em High”

Unless you've been living under a rock, I'm willing to bet you've heard the name "Troma" - a name that is synonymous with B-film. Some might even dare to say Troma Entertainment is the king of B. Would they be right? Well - as my mother likes to say, "that's why they have chocolate AND vanilla - cuz not everyone likes the same thing." Read more

Share this post!