Sci-Fi’s “Ice Spiders”

I do so love movies with giant bugs. And I love the SciFi channel, much to my husbands dismay (apparently the channel does nothing to stimulate brain activity. Go figure.)

I especially love when the Sci-Fi channel comes out with an "original" movie that portrays giant bugs in such an unrealistic manner that it transcends comedy and borders hysteria. Like it did with their original movie Ice Spiders.

Throw in a couple used up actors singers losers former stars named Patrick Muldoon (who looks amazing similar to a brunette Kato Kailin) and a really badly aging Vanessa Williams, and you are talking about 90 minutes of totally inane B-movie madness joy! Or perhaps some really bad flash backs of Melrose Place since both actors played it at one point in time or another.... oh and hey! So did the guy who plays the part of Captain Baker!!

Actors (and I use that term loosely) aside, we have for starters, a "covert" military laboratory that is genetically engineering giant spiders for their incredible spider silk (and if you don't believe that spider silk is incredible, just ask Toby McGuire in Spiderman. He will make you a believer.)

Secondly, standard for this type of movie, we have a weird and really bad acting mad scientist who gives the spiders an extra little somethin'somethin' to progress their growing rate, which results in their escape from the lab and proceedance (is that even a word?) to ravage a nearby ski resort. These spiders are HUGE, neon colored, smart (or at least smarter than the people involved,) and ready to chow down on some human flesh! They also oddly resemble giant ticks, with tick like flat bodies but longer legs as that of spiders. Man I gotta tell ya', I was "askerred" of them! (Hah!)

But wait! All is not lost because thirdly, this ski resort is filled with ample spider fodder Olympic hopefuls training for their coveted big medals. Luckily (and this is forth on our list) Dash Dashiell (Patrick Muldoon) works there. Dash is a former Olympian who had demolished his legs in a horrific skiing accident so now no team in their right mind wants him in their corner (lucky for the ski resort, I assure you.)  We also learn that he was a Marine at some point in his life which definitely helps with the survival skills needed to ward off angry ravenous giant spiders!

Ice Spiders embodies all the cheese of just about every bad B-movie you've ever seen involving giant bugs. The awful dialogue, the incompetent acting, the ridiculous portrayal of the giant spiders - all classic B and almost 2 hours of gawd-awful fun! (well, except for the gratuitous boob shot. You don't typically find those in Sci-Fi originals and this one was no different.)

Ice Spiders may not be anything you want to admit having watched, but I can assure you watching it at least once is a must for anyone who enjoys truly awful B movie wannabes. it's fast paced with frequent blood spillage, surprising amounts of gore, and very colorful silly looking bad-ass spiders.

Of one thing I can assure you - and that is that Ice Spiders will keep you entertained. Comedically at least, if nothing else.....

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Automation Transfusion

• Director: Steven C. Miller

• Writer: Steven C. Miller

• US Release Date: 18 October 2006

• Genre: Action / Horror

• Cast: A bunch of No Names

This movie first appeared at the Screamfest Horror Film Festival held annually in California. This festival is a means for unknown writers and filmmakers to show their work to famous filmmakers such as Rob Zombie, Wes Craven, Sam Raimi, among others.

Apparently they liked what they saw in 2006, and Automation Transfusion hit DVD shelves in March of this year. Being as I am not one to pass up a bloody zombie movie, I had to bite (pun intended.)

Cause and Effect

Cause is not really revealed until about 3-quarters way in (lovely military experiment gone awry. Pity.) however the movie begins with a seemingly dead body at a morgue. Typical intern guy hears sounds and moves towards it to investigate. The usual attack by undead body results in a rather massive amount of blood loss and graphic almost decapitation.

Without warning people are turning up in hospitals and the local highschool bitten and bloody. In what seems like a matter of hours, the entire town is infested with zombies.

Result

A band of teenagers decide to fight back and are forced to kill zombies/friends/family with whatever means necessary. It all seems futile however, as one by one they are bitten and transformed, and their entire town becomes one massive, gory, blood bath.

Conclusion

This movie though sounding great, is somewhat lacking. For starters, there is the amateurish filming, shaky shots, poor positioning, inadequate lighting. The audio is not much better as the voices sound as though there were recorded on a 1970's cassette deck. Granted the entire movie was filmed in a total of 9 days, which, when coupled with the intense graphic effects, is pretty impressive. But its very obviously B and in this day and age, that is not necessarily a good thing.

Aside from all the above, I actually found myself really getting into the movie. Not really sure how it happened, but it did nonetheless. And right about the time it was really getting good - TO BE CONTINUED.....

WTF???? Did I miss something?
To be continued? As in to be continued next week cliff hanger type maneuver?

What Kaka - what crap - what dung - what shit! No way was this movie good enough to even check to see if a 2nd installment is in the works..... and no way would any filmmaker invest in such drivel. They are lucky as heck the first one got picked up!

Damn. I'm gonna check it out. I wanna know what happens next. ARGH!!

Recommendation

Watch it. Or don't. I don't recommend this as a really good movie to watch, but I do recommend it if you have nothing else to do and it happens to be laying around. Decide for yourself. Then come back and let me know what you think.

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The Butler My Ass! The Demon Lamp Did It!

In watching the various movies that I do, I have noticed that there is an extremely large amount that have villians that are not, nor have they ever been, flesh and blood.

One example is the countless number of movies that have been made about cars and trucks taking on life and paving a long road of death and destruction.

There have also been movies of possessed body parts (two of my favorites being The Evil Dead 2, and Idle Hands, both of which involved possessed hands. Both movies rank a 5 in my "soon to be released but still in production" rating scale I am working on for my blog.)

I've compiled a small list of movies that I found especially entertaining in the inanimate villain department. Not that the movies were necessarily "worth the popcorn" as some might say but still worth the shout out for originality.

The Mangler

In this Stephen King original, an industrial laundry folding machine becomes possessed by a demon and proceeds to go on a murdering spree, leaving numerous ghastly deaths in its wake. The story ends with a failed exorcism causing the machine to rip itself free of its moorings and

The story ends with a botched exorcism that results in the machine ripping free of its moorings so it can prowl the streets in search of fresh prey.

The movie is the goes beyond B and straight to Z but still manages to have not 1, but 2 sequels (will wonders never cease.) On my up and coming B-scale, I give this one a 1 + 1/2.

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes

Ok folks, be warned. It doesn't get much cheesier than this one. In this 4th installment of 8, (go figure) the evil is not a haunted house, rather it's a lamp that has been removed from the Amityville house and ends up in a California home where it proceeds to haunt, scare and kill without lifting a finger.

Who wouldn't love to have that kind of ability?? Or even a lamp with that kind of ability? Provided you could control it anyway. And the proud new owners can't..... Definitely not anything as good as the first Amityville, but not the worst either. The B-scale is thinking a 1 + 1/2.

Maximum Overdrive

This is a Stephen King classic where cars and trucks come alive and start killing people for the fun of it. They even "communicate" with each other through honks and engine revs. Actually anything electrically powered manages to come alive and attack humans.

The most ridiculous killer in this movie however was was a soda vending machine that decided to pummel some ball playing kids by violently shooting out cans at them. Who needs projectile vomit when you have projectile soda?? On my B-scale I rate this one a solid 3+ 1/2, but possibly even a 4. I would need to watch it again to be sure.

The Lawnmower Man

Yet another Stephen King gem. This one is about a whacko lawnkeeper who has a snazzy lawnmower that autonomously mows yards and seemingly takes orders from the whacko owner. It doesn't take long before the mower is instructed to "kill" and the resulting bloodbath is actually quite entertaining. Although I have not seen this movie in years, based off memory I would have to rate this one a low 3 on my B-scale. (And if any of you enjoyed this one you will be happy to know that there is a sequel. Can you spell YEE-HAW???)

Christine

Gee... I wonder who wrote this one? Could it be, oh, I don't know.... Satan?? NO! It's Stephen King! (Sorry guys - just a brief glimpse into the dorkier side of me.)

You know you have problems when a car falls in love with you. You should know your problems will increase considerably if you don't return that love. Luckily the owner of Christine was such a total dweeb that he was flattered by his car, affectionately named Christine, and had no problems with her homicidal tendencies.

What's cool about this movie is that even though the killer is a car, you feel sad when she gets rejected and picked on, and understand her need for revenge. What other vehicle has ever made you feel like that? This movie is a classic in the B-movie realm. A classic that deserves a rating of 4 on my B-scale.

Trucks

Due to a nasty lawsuit with Stephen King and the Maximum Overdrive movie, this one is the remake that was more true to the story that Mr. King wrote. What I thought especially ridiculous about this movie was the remote control truck that took out the mailman. For starters the mailman couldn't stop the damned thing from ramming into him. Somehow he overlooked the fact that he was a 6ft man who could simply STEP on the 10 inch truck but for whatever reason, saw fit to allow said truck to knock him down and pummel him into a pile of wriggling bloody goo. This one is no where as good as the first in my book, so I will give this one a B-scale rating of 2.

Child's Play

We all know what this one is about. A stupid doll. And a very annoying dead felon who felt the need to possess that very stupid doll. I know you are all probably thinking I would love this series of 5 (yes, you heard me right) but I think they are beyond retarded and that's saying something considering I do so love stupid horror movies.

This one seems to go above and beyond though, and though I have watched at least 3 of the series, I just can't get convince myself to like them. I actually find them boring. Not quite sure how that can be since there is plenty of "suspense" and bloodshed; maybe it's the ridiculous doll or the lack of special effects. Who knows. I just know that on my B-scale, all of these rank 1.

The Shaft (remake of The Lift)

And I'm not talking about cool bad-ass Samuel L Jackson Shaft; I'm talking about the "elevator" shaft. Yup. You heard me right. This nugget from the vault of Hollywood classics is about an elevator that has sick desire to kill anyone that hops in it for a ride. Take the stairs = live. Take the elevator = die. I'll have to get back to you on my rating for this one though as I can't decide if I love it or hate it...... guess it depends on how much booze I consume while I watch it.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Now I have not seen this one so unfortunately I can't rate it. I came across it on one of my internet jaunts and definitely find it intriguing in a crusty, moldy cheese sort of way. I'm sure you know what I mean. It's like you want some cheese, need some cheese, and the only kind left in the fridge has been there so long that it has white moldy parts, and hard parts, and so you kinda nibble around those parts 'cuz you don't want to waste the good stuff you know is in there somewhere. This movies seems to be like that.

It's about a century old bed that manages to lure "potential nappers and love-makers with the promise of red velvety comfort." The bed works by "disrobing its victims, surrounding them with a burbling yellow goo, then sucking them into an acid-filled waterbed mattress that dissolves their flesh and bones." The bed then remakes itself on the off chance that another orgy might develop somewhere down the road. Apparently the bed also snores. I hate snoring. Its like nails on a chalkboard to me. But I'd be lying if I said this movie did not intrigue m (and yes, I have eaten around the moldy parts of aged cheese....)

So there you have it. A small list of ridiculous killers that B-movie enthusiasts are proud to watch. What do you think? Any you have seen not on the list?? As usual, I am always open to suggestions of movies not yet seen......

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“Go To” Movies…..

Any of you out there have what I call your "go to" movies? You know, movies that you have seen 100 times , can recite the lines word for word, but still watch over and over when nothing else in on? From a comedy standpoint, I love Adam Sandler. His movies are a riot. As well, Empire Records & Valley Girl are staples of my DVD selection. But inevitably, when my husband doesn't get a sayso, I go for the blood and gore and bugs.

One of my favorites that I have yet to get sick of is Wrong Turn. I love Eliza Dushku and think she does great in this film, altho not seeing her be a badass vampire slayer didn't seem quite right initially. She pulls it out though, and I get caught up in the characters fear each time I watch it. The cannibals are very convincing and realistic looking. It never ceases to amaze me how much cinema graphics have improved over the years.

One key feature a movie has to have in order to be in the running for my list of favs is that it needs to rope me in within the first 10-15 minutes and be able to maintain a pace that keeps me from getting bored. This movie does both. Needless to say I was pretty pumped to see they had released Wrong Turn 2 - Dead End (Unrated).
It took a different spin from the first in that it has much more of the typical B-movie criteria: boob shots and gratuitous sex; no name actors;  typical "chase" scenes; and the movie was released straight to DVD. No waiting 6months to a year for the movie release. All the criteria I love.

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