HBO’s True Blood

I love books. Worked in a bookstore for 11 years, so needless to say, I've heard the name Charlaine Harris, and knew she wrote a vampire series.  The problem is that I typically don't like female authors because no matter how gritty their novels can be, there is always an element of romantic love that rings too much like a Barbara Cartland romance novel. Not that I am opposed to romance and love, just not the sappy "he looked at me as though he were looking into my very soul" crap. Plus the main characters name is "Sookie" - I mean really, could it be anymore cheesy than that? And I don't mean good cheese, I mean gawd awful, stinky, limburger cheese.

Now being as I have not read the series, I can't say if the new HBO series True Blood follows the same story line as the books (being as the books are labeled as "southern vampire mysteries" - implying detective type installments - I'd guess not, but it's too soon to say) and I have to admit, the HBO series is starting out really good!

Episode 1: Strange Love

Here we are introduced to the characters of the new show, which all focus around Sookie Stackhouse, played rather adeptly by Anna Paquin. Some of you may recognize her as Rogue of the X-Men series, while others may recognize her as Flora, the daughter in the movie The Piano, which earned her an Oscar. Quite an accomplishment for such a young actor.

We also meet Sookie's brother Jason, who is quite the horn dog, and naked for most of the first episode. In his defense, the women of their small Cajun town in Louisiana are equally loose, and have no problems giving it up. Unfortunately moral-less people end up in pickles and this group is no different.....

Among other characters to note are Sookie's grandmother, who, like Sookie, is intrigued by the vampires; Sookie's boss Sam, who is madly in love with Sookie but does not dare tell her; and Tara, Sookie's bitch of a best friend that I absolutely love! She is crass, and bitter, and 99% bitch - just like me!

So we meet Sookie, a young, very southern waitress with telepathic powers, that is simultaneously naive and wise, and held captive by her ability to read minds. Those who know of her abilities hate that she can read their minds, and those who are not privy to her gift, think her strange; somewhat of a freak. Sookie doesn't care though, as she has gotten quite used to the comments, and unspoken thoughts. She has learned to live with it.

We also learn in episode 1 that the vampires, who have existed under the radar for centuries, have now come "out of the coffin" thanks to the Japanese who invented a tasty synthetic blood named none other than "Tru Blood." This invention means that vampires no longer need to feed on humans, as the synthetic blood sustains them and their hunger. Apparently it has become rather commonplace for vampires to exist in society, and many humans (vampire-bangers) are captivated by them. Unfortunately many humans also loathe them and just want them dead, while others act as "vampire drainers" - humans who drain the blood of a vampire to sell it as if it were heroin. "V-juice" as the vampire blood is called, is known to invoke quite the euphoric high, and unbeknownst to most, has remarkable healing powers.

This is how Sookie meets Bill - the brooding smooth vampire that swaggers in to Merlotte's, the bar Sookie just happens to waitress in. Bill (played by Stephen Moyer, a rather seasoned actor even though I have never heard or seen him in anything) is immediately captivated by Sookie, who seems "different" from all the other humans; Sookie in turn is equally captivated by Bill, as she cannot hear his thoughts, a first for her, and she finally finds peace from the voices in her head while in Bill's presence.

Their chance meeting takes a more personal turn when Sookie saves Bill from two vampire-drainers who subdue him with silver. Who knew silver negatively affected vampires? And for that matter, who knew little Sookie packed such a punch? Unfortunately there are bound to be consequences when a lowly waitress sides with a vampire over her own human kind.....

Episode 2: The First Taste

Remember those vampire-drainers I told you about from episode 1? And how I mentioned consequence? Well, the consequence Sookie faces is basically getting her ass beat to a pulp. But right about the time she is about to get her head bashed in, Bill shows up and kicks some redneck ass. When he is done, he forces Sookie to suck his blood for its healing powers (although I don't recall her protesting too much. The tramp.) Then he licks her clean.

Yeh. I said he licks her clean. And does she "taste different from other humans?" He thinks she does. And that only makes him more intrigued with her.

So beings the romance of Sookie, human, redneck, naive southern waitress who can read minds; and Bill, Civil War soldier turned vampire, seemingly alone and looking to find a place to call home. The only one okay with the potential union is Sookie's grandmother, while everyone else in her life thinks it's a horrible mistake.

Early Conclusion

Time will tell I suppose, and Alan Ball, creator of Six Feet Under, is telling it well with his new HBO series. Each episode ends with a cliff hanger, which I simultaneously love and hate. And so far each episode has offered plenty of sex, nudity, and blood to appease just about all audiences.

I confess I am hooked. And already I am trying to solve certain mysteries. One being the dog that hangs around outside Merlotte's, and seems to look after Sookie. I find it rather ironic that her boss has a painting in his trailer (if you'll recall, I did warn you that this show was a little backwoods and redneck) of a dog keeping watch over a sleeping child. Perhaps Sam is not who (or what) he seems - perhaps he knows something more than he is saying.....

Then there is Tara, Sookie's best friend. Why is she such a bitch? Why do I see so much of myself in her?

I forsee great things for this show and hopefully it won't let me down. So tell me what you think - are you as intrigued with True Blood as I am?

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Hostel Part 2

I was hesitant to watch the first Hostel, thinking it may be too much like SAW which I had a real problem with. Too real. Too gross. Too twisted. I prefer my horror to be more unrealistic and less believable, so I can sleep at night. I can handle any possible nightmares of zombies and vampires and werewolves. I cannot handle nightmares of sociopaths wanting to sell my innards on the black market.

Or to kill me for the sheer joy of it. That would suck.

I did watch Hostel however and actually kind of "enjoyed" it. Correction: I did not regret watching it. The setting is a slovic country and whereas I might be 1/4 Checz, I do not foresee myself vacationing there. Especially after having watched Hostel.

So why did I watch Hostel 2? Well, because even though the first one was a bit intense, it wasn't over the top, and as I said before, I kind of "enjoyed" it.

HOLY SHIT, what was I thinking!

Ok - so Hostel 2 starts out innocently enough, in the same vein as the first, with some girls (instead of guys) taking a hiatus from life, and lured to to the same Hostel location as the first movie. However Part 2 takes everything that was even remotely vile in the first, and multiplies it tenfold (from my perspective at least. Some reviewers say they feel this one was rather tame compared to the first. I think they feel that way because they are guys and ticked that the sex factor was not as prevalent in this installment. The pervs.)

Good gawd I must have looked away from the TV screen at least 8 times! My husband kept making snide remarks about my twisted personality for watching movies of this caliber, but did he look away? No sirree! So who is more twisted? He who watches in sick fascination or ME those of us who look away because they are too normal to handle such horrors!? Of course I did pick this movie, so I guess there is some merit to what he says.....

Anyway, Hostel 2 outlines the premise of these movies a little better than the first one did. In the first Hostel I was left wondering about the killers and their tattoos, and how it came to pass that tourists were being kidnapped just to be tortured and killed. Maybe I slept through that part of the movie, I can't say. All I know is that it had holes.

In Hostel 2 however, it is made painfully obvious what these sickos were doing. They were bidding on the tourists. Bidding so that they could win the tourist, then main, torture and kill their prize however their sick sadistic perverted whacked out deformed brain saw fit.

(One of the bidders saw fit to shackle their prize/victim to a table, carve them up like a Thanksgiving Day turkey, then proceeded to eat the flesh raw while his victim watched in agonizing pain and horror. Talk about a nightmare!)

So where does the tattoos fit in? Well, apparently they are a type of brand - much like a gang has "colors" - joining the bidders to the "family." But if for any reason they don't kill their "prize" they not only don't get a tattoo, they don't become part of the family either. Instead, they suffer a fate worse than any they could imagine enacting on a tourist.....

Here in Hostel 2, we have three college chicks hook up with Axelle, the overly hot daughter of the twisted bastard who has created this kill empire which has laid victim to so many young, sex starved, drunken tourists (well, I presume she is his daughter. Perhaps she is just really into old guys. To each their own, I guess.)

So these 3 girls, completely enamored with sultry Axelle,  allow themselves to be lured to Slovakia with promises of an exotic spa, rest and relaxation, and maybe some men, booze and sex...

It always amazes me how the lure of sex and drugs and booze always make these young targets so stupid. Stupid as in throwing all caution to the wind and trusting just anyone. It kind of makes you think that maybe they get what they deserve. Don't they read the papers for Pete's sake?

So anyway, the first girl to bite the bullet is Lorna, played rather adeptly by Heather Matarazzo, who I had not seen on film since Scream 3. In Hostel 2, she plays a straight-laced geek, who has zero interest in the booze and drugs that is freely offered in the fun little world of Slovakia. It's just too bad she is interested in some guy paying attention to her.

The result is her getting hung - nude - upside down, so some sick female can slice her open with a sickle, thereby allowing poor tortured Lorna's blood to poor all over this sicko's naked body amidst candlelight and marble... it kind of gives a whole new meaning to "bloodbath" and while some may have found this scene rather sexual, I for one did not.

Eeeewwww....

Meanwhile, the two remaining girls, Beth and Whitney, are wondering what happened to their naive friend when she doesn't return. At a local gathering Axelle convinces the girls not to worry, so a now relaxing Beth ends up chatting and sharing a drink with a fellow by the name of Stuart who, unbeknownst to her, is the winning bidder of her nubile flesh..... (damn. Why are the nice guys always such freaks?)

(Admittedly this movie is a little predictable but aren't most horror films? Understandably, there has to be a presence of "B-moves" that permeate all movies of this genre or else they lose much of their credibility and enjoyability (I think I just made that word up. I like it! .)

Later, in the spa's heated pool, Beth dozes off (notice-->in the pool) and wakens (still -->in the pool!) sometime later to find herself alone and her belongings stolen. I found this part odd that she would just fall asleep in a pool of all places, with so many people around, then waken to everyone and everything gone. This is one of the few scenes of the movie that seemed a bit weak to me - most definitely a B-move; lame and making little to no sense. But as stated above, I expected it (and excused it) with this type of movie.

So after waking, Beth sets out in search of her friends, but instead of finding them, notices two thug-like men approaching her. In fear, she scales the spa walls and runs aimlessly into the nearby woods, where she is rudely greeted by the "Bubblegum Gang" - those little misfit kids from the first movie that exhibit traits every bit as vile as the death bidders. Luckily she is rescued by Axelle and her "dad" before those little imps could inflict any damaging blows!

Shortly after being "rescued" a chain of events alerts Beth that Axelle and her clan are not as innocent as she once thought and that they are in fact the reason for her friend's disappearances. She realizes this too late however, and finds herself captive at the murderous hands of none other than Stuart, the man she had drinks with just the night before.

I don't want to give away too much of the final 1/2 hour of this movie, as it is definitely the best part, but suffice it to say that it will surprise you, scare you, humor you, and utterly gross you out! (Sorry - that was a bit 80's but nothing else sounded quite right.) I can honestly say that the last 1/2 hour is definitely not for the squeamish! Offering canine carnage, detached dismemberment, and payback served up without a plate.... this movie will leave you with more than a mere impression.

Hostel 2, while not as visual with sexual acts as the first, does offer up the required boob shots, and sexual innuendos. Bear in mind this one takes the female slant (versus the male slant as with the first movie) so there may be some bias in the girls favor, however the blood and guts are definitely not girly and guaranteed to satisfy even the pickiest horror buff.

I won't promise you will enjoy the movie, but I can promise you will enjoy the gore!

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2008 Day of the Dead

More often than not, if George A. Romero wrote it, chances are I'm going to like it. Granted I have not seen all his work and some of what I have seen I don't remember (please don't ask.) But he rarely, if ever, disappoints.

I had an opportunity to snag Day of the Dead, the 2008 version, for about 6 bucks recently, so based on the cost of rentals these days, I bit on the offer. I realize it's not the 1985 Romero version, but it is based loosely on the same, plus Ving Rhames and Mena Suvari are in it, so I figured it had to have promise. As I've stated so many times before, if it's got zombies in it, most likely I will like it.

This version was directed by Steve Miner, director of one of my favorite Halloween movies, H2O, as well as Friday the 13th numbers 2 & 3. That right there was an added bonus, and I can tell you I was a happy camper to have a new zombie movie for the weekend!

Now remember, this movie is not a remake of Romero's, but he is given credit as one of the writers. You would think they'd give it a different name, but hey - it worked for the Evil Dead 1 & 2, so who's to say it can't work for this one, right?

Day of the Dead 2008 "Pros"

The action. Five minutes into the movie we have our first victim, fallen prey to an unseen assailant. Another 15 minutes (give or take) into the movie and the action really begins at the local hospital where about half of the towns population shows up for treatment of various "ailments."

Soon it's every person for themselves when the sick transform and begin to attack the healthy (picture piranhas attacking chum tossed into their tank.) Quicker than you can say Eeeewww!! undead people are attacking living people and ripping off body parts with their teeth in a glorious blood fest! WOW! Talk about sheer pandemonium!

Oh yeh, this is definitely my kind of movie!

Bud. Bud is a GI who has developed quite a crush on Sarah (played by Mena Survari) but sadly gets bitten by a zombie. Soon after he himself is an undead, yet Sarah keeps him around because "he listens to orders."

Now on the surface one might think it's a bit odd to keep a zombie close at hand, but what we find out about Bud is that he actually protects Sarah from other zombies. How cool is that? It's like she's got her very own Fido who will love and protect her no matter what!

The graphics. Ripping flesh and blood spewage was so believably executed that I found myself peeking through my fingers on occasion or two. And that's not something I do very often! (ok, so it might have been the tequila, but that's a whole 'nother story.)

Day of the Dead 2008 "Cons"

Ving Rhames undead. Ving Rhames is such a strong actor.....well, I think he's a strong actor. And they turned him into a zombie at about the 30 minute mark! What the f***?? Apparently the director didn't want to be compared to Dawn of the Dead. Oh well, Ving as a legless zombie was pretty cool. I wouldn't want to piss him off, that's for damned sure!

Zombie Traits. Ok. Everyone knows that zombies possess certain characteristics. Modify them slightly from movie to movie, but to change them up completely just throws everything off balance, and that is just what this movie did.

This movie had zombies running at high speeds; performing acrobatic acts; and lastly, but certainly not least, this movie gave zombies the ability to have CHOICE! Again I have to ask... what the f***?? Anyone with half a brain knows that zombies do not think! They crave. And what they crave is eating brains!

And what the hell is up with zombies running at high speeds? How the hell are those of us with half a brain supposed to get away with f'n zombies running faster than us? I may as well roll over and play dead at that point.

So anyway, I have to say this is one zombie movie I can watch over and over. It has most of the standard B movie criteria (well, except for the gratuitous boob shot) which in layman terms, means I love it.

I'm starting to see a trend with me and bad movies. Maybe what my husband has been saying all these years is right.... maybe I am the uber dork!

Nah.

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The Butler My Ass! The Demon Lamp Did It!

In watching the various movies that I do, I have noticed that there is an extremely large amount that have villians that are not, nor have they ever been, flesh and blood.

One example is the countless number of movies that have been made about cars and trucks taking on life and paving a long road of death and destruction.

There have also been movies of possessed body parts (two of my favorites being The Evil Dead 2, and Idle Hands, both of which involved possessed hands. Both movies rank a 5 in my "soon to be released but still in production" rating scale I am working on for my blog.)

I've compiled a small list of movies that I found especially entertaining in the inanimate villain department. Not that the movies were necessarily "worth the popcorn" as some might say but still worth the shout out for originality.

The Mangler

In this Stephen King original, an industrial laundry folding machine becomes possessed by a demon and proceeds to go on a murdering spree, leaving numerous ghastly deaths in its wake. The story ends with a failed exorcism causing the machine to rip itself free of its moorings and

The story ends with a botched exorcism that results in the machine ripping free of its moorings so it can prowl the streets in search of fresh prey.

The movie is the goes beyond B and straight to Z but still manages to have not 1, but 2 sequels (will wonders never cease.) On my up and coming B-scale, I give this one a 1 + 1/2.

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes

Ok folks, be warned. It doesn't get much cheesier than this one. In this 4th installment of 8, (go figure) the evil is not a haunted house, rather it's a lamp that has been removed from the Amityville house and ends up in a California home where it proceeds to haunt, scare and kill without lifting a finger.

Who wouldn't love to have that kind of ability?? Or even a lamp with that kind of ability? Provided you could control it anyway. And the proud new owners can't..... Definitely not anything as good as the first Amityville, but not the worst either. The B-scale is thinking a 1 + 1/2.

Maximum Overdrive

This is a Stephen King classic where cars and trucks come alive and start killing people for the fun of it. They even "communicate" with each other through honks and engine revs. Actually anything electrically powered manages to come alive and attack humans.

The most ridiculous killer in this movie however was was a soda vending machine that decided to pummel some ball playing kids by violently shooting out cans at them. Who needs projectile vomit when you have projectile soda?? On my B-scale I rate this one a solid 3+ 1/2, but possibly even a 4. I would need to watch it again to be sure.

The Lawnmower Man

Yet another Stephen King gem. This one is about a whacko lawnkeeper who has a snazzy lawnmower that autonomously mows yards and seemingly takes orders from the whacko owner. It doesn't take long before the mower is instructed to "kill" and the resulting bloodbath is actually quite entertaining. Although I have not seen this movie in years, based off memory I would have to rate this one a low 3 on my B-scale. (And if any of you enjoyed this one you will be happy to know that there is a sequel. Can you spell YEE-HAW???)

Christine

Gee... I wonder who wrote this one? Could it be, oh, I don't know.... Satan?? NO! It's Stephen King! (Sorry guys - just a brief glimpse into the dorkier side of me.)

You know you have problems when a car falls in love with you. You should know your problems will increase considerably if you don't return that love. Luckily the owner of Christine was such a total dweeb that he was flattered by his car, affectionately named Christine, and had no problems with her homicidal tendencies.

What's cool about this movie is that even though the killer is a car, you feel sad when she gets rejected and picked on, and understand her need for revenge. What other vehicle has ever made you feel like that? This movie is a classic in the B-movie realm. A classic that deserves a rating of 4 on my B-scale.

Trucks

Due to a nasty lawsuit with Stephen King and the Maximum Overdrive movie, this one is the remake that was more true to the story that Mr. King wrote. What I thought especially ridiculous about this movie was the remote control truck that took out the mailman. For starters the mailman couldn't stop the damned thing from ramming into him. Somehow he overlooked the fact that he was a 6ft man who could simply STEP on the 10 inch truck but for whatever reason, saw fit to allow said truck to knock him down and pummel him into a pile of wriggling bloody goo. This one is no where as good as the first in my book, so I will give this one a B-scale rating of 2.

Child's Play

We all know what this one is about. A stupid doll. And a very annoying dead felon who felt the need to possess that very stupid doll. I know you are all probably thinking I would love this series of 5 (yes, you heard me right) but I think they are beyond retarded and that's saying something considering I do so love stupid horror movies.

This one seems to go above and beyond though, and though I have watched at least 3 of the series, I just can't get convince myself to like them. I actually find them boring. Not quite sure how that can be since there is plenty of "suspense" and bloodshed; maybe it's the ridiculous doll or the lack of special effects. Who knows. I just know that on my B-scale, all of these rank 1.

The Shaft (remake of The Lift)

And I'm not talking about cool bad-ass Samuel L Jackson Shaft; I'm talking about the "elevator" shaft. Yup. You heard me right. This nugget from the vault of Hollywood classics is about an elevator that has sick desire to kill anyone that hops in it for a ride. Take the stairs = live. Take the elevator = die. I'll have to get back to you on my rating for this one though as I can't decide if I love it or hate it...... guess it depends on how much booze I consume while I watch it.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Now I have not seen this one so unfortunately I can't rate it. I came across it on one of my internet jaunts and definitely find it intriguing in a crusty, moldy cheese sort of way. I'm sure you know what I mean. It's like you want some cheese, need some cheese, and the only kind left in the fridge has been there so long that it has white moldy parts, and hard parts, and so you kinda nibble around those parts 'cuz you don't want to waste the good stuff you know is in there somewhere. This movies seems to be like that.

It's about a century old bed that manages to lure "potential nappers and love-makers with the promise of red velvety comfort." The bed works by "disrobing its victims, surrounding them with a burbling yellow goo, then sucking them into an acid-filled waterbed mattress that dissolves their flesh and bones." The bed then remakes itself on the off chance that another orgy might develop somewhere down the road. Apparently the bed also snores. I hate snoring. Its like nails on a chalkboard to me. But I'd be lying if I said this movie did not intrigue m (and yes, I have eaten around the moldy parts of aged cheese....)

So there you have it. A small list of ridiculous killers that B-movie enthusiasts are proud to watch. What do you think? Any you have seen not on the list?? As usual, I am always open to suggestions of movies not yet seen......

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