B-movies

Some Movies That Started it All

Recently I posted a review about the Italian horror film Suspiria. That review exposed (in a non gratuitous Boob shot kind of way) how my fetish for horror came to be. Some of you asked appallingly who would subject me to such things at such a young age, while others began to better understand why I may seem a little "off kilter."

For starters, my mother is to blame (thanksMom!) being as my father was not one to leave the house except for work and other "necessary" outings and my brothers were usually out doing gawd knows what (I know but I ain't tellin'!)  That left lil' ol' me me as her bodyguard movie buddy. Face it - no one wants to watch a scary movie alone, but we all love being scared (at least in a non life threatening sort of way.) My mom did and I was no different. I loved going to see each and every one of these movies.

(We'll just skip over the part where these movies warped me so bad that I had to sleep completely under the covers - otherwise demons and goblins could see me in my bed.

Or the part where my closet door had to be closed all the way  because those glowing green eyes from that thing in Suspiria were lurking in there......

Or that the black kaleidoscope of colors I would see when I closed my eyes would form goblins of their own, forcing me to open my eyes and stay awake way later than I should have...

Of course this did result in my creativity to craft adventures in my mind where I would always be in singing contests - or at concerts - and there just happened to be some rock and roll star there that I had the hots for. They would become awe struck with me and rocket me towards stardom.....

That was the only way I could keep my eyes closed for any length of time. Well that and the headphones blasting rock music into my ears so I could drown out the sounds of any werebeasts sneaking in my room to get me.....

But that's a whole 'nother story and a side of me that's probably better if I didn't talk about anymore. So let's move on, shall we?)

So I thought I would do a little synopsis of the movies that in addition to Suspiria, started it all for me. Here they are in no particular order:

Rattlers

Rattlers is a movie guaranteed to appease just about any B-movie lover. Needless to say it scared the bejesus out of me and made it so that to this day, I cannot take a bath with my back to the faucet - I have to be facing it. You know, so I can run when I see snakes pop out of it (if you saw the movie, you would understand.)

There is a good review of the movie here.

In a nutshell, this is a movie about a small town that becomes overrun with chemically altered rattlesnakes that go around killing animals, kids, old people - they really are rather indiscriminate which I find refreshing. Definitely worth the watch for fans of reptile movies.

The Car

Wow. Was this one creepy.

First you have a blacked out car that rides around killing people and when it finally becomes cornered, we find that no one is behind the wheel!

Oh, please tell me it's not the devil himself driving the car!

Anyway, James Brolin stars in gem, but don't let his name fool ya about this one. This is still a B-movie all the way, and now that I think about it, probably has something to do with the fact that I refuse to bike ride on the road......

You can read more about it here.

The Beast Within

Ok, so this one was just gross.

Some werebeast thing rapes a chick - I think she was on her honeymoon, but I can't remember - and she ends up pregnant and keeps the kid. Hello! You don't need a brain to figure out that's not smart! But we need the premise and this one is a doozie.

So the kid - the werebeast offspring - is born normal but when he nears 18, he starts to have a "transformation" of sorts and a bunch of stuff happens, people die, and then he sheds his skin during locust season just like a locust does. It was really gross and weird and caused me many nightmares.

You can read a more in depth review of it here.

Tentacles

This B-movie is loaded with above the "B" grade actors: John Houston, Henry Fonda, Shelly Winters. Some of you might even recognize Bo Hopkins.

Much like Jaws and Orca, in Tentacles people seem to just disappear while in the water. What sucks worse is that when their bodies are discovered, we find they are gnawed down to skeletal remains, with the marrow sucked right out of their bones. How could this be? What could do such a thing?

One doctor in particular begins to suspect that their local water world was poisoned when an underground tunnel was being created, resulting in an octopus morphing into gargantuan proportions. Who can save them from all those tentacles?

I can't remember if Tentacles (Tentacoli to be exact)  was good or not ( after all, I was only 9 in 1977 when I saw it on the big screen) but I sure as hell was afraid to go into water that I couldn't see through for years after this one!

You can read more about this classic here.

Bug

Yes, Bug. And the title should tell you why this one stays with me. I mean, how could anyone resist a tagline for a move about mutant cockroaches like the one for this movie:

"They Look Like Rocks & Possess High Intelligence.
They Have No Eyes & Eat Ashes.
They Travel In Your Car Exhaust.
They Make Fire.
They Kill."

Yikes! I find it rather ironic however, that I ended up being a bug-lady at one point in my life. Yes, a bug-lady, as in exterminator.

Hey! I had to get certified for it ya' know. It's not like just anyone can walk in off the streets and start killing bugs with hazardous chemicals. Not legally anyway. Those chemicals they let me play with were badass!

Anyway, I am sure it is every bit as good as I remember. (It's because of this movie I don't have a phone, I can remember that!) AND It actually won an award for Best Special Effects. Granted it may not be from anyone you ever heard of, but it still won.

You can read more about Bug here.

Flesh for Frankenstein (in 3D)

Ironically my dad, the one who hated these kinds of movies, took me to see this because I really wanted to go. Though this movie was released initially in 1973, It came to Augusta in '81 at one of those $2 theaters that don't exist anymore (at least not around here) that loved to screen old movies because they could get them cheaply. My parents were divorced, and taking me to this movie was one of the two times my dad surprised me by doing something cool for me (thanksPop!)

I remember being repulsed by the movie. Not sure if it was the movie though, or the fact that I was there with my dad. I think I need to watch it again as I barely remember it and it is a movie right up my alley (well... except for the incest. That was just gross.)

After all, this movie has blood, gore, nudity, Dr. Frankenstein, and zombies all wrapped up and delivered in a 3-D perspective. Only word I can think of is: SCORE!

Anyway, there is a pretty favorable review of it here. The reviewer kinda rambles on about 3-D and the like which I skipped over 'cuz face it, I am about the gore, camp, and B-factor - not the cinematic effects. But it's a good review and worth the read.

Now you know the rest of the story...

There were oodles more: To The Devil a Daughter; The Last House on the Left; and of course the required Carrie; The Omen; The Shining..... they all affected me in their own way, and made me a little weirder; but they also give me an escape from real life, if just for a short while, and a whole lot of laughs and scares (and there have been so many more since!)

What more could a little girl ask for??

B-movies

The Beastmaster – “B” at it’s Best

There are certain movies that I can watch repeatedly - to the point where the DVD/VHS needs to be replaced due to extreme signs of usage - and never tire of them. Movies like The Wedding Singer, that is so ridiculous, and 80's and yet speaks to me on so many levels. Movies like Wrong Turn (cannibalism at its finest); Quintin Tarantino's Death Proof (review to follow) or The Faculty, where you have a bunch of freaky high school kids who are just trying to get by end up trying just not to get possessed by aliens. My endless list of these types of movies reinforce the fact that I am what my husband lovingly refers to as "The Uber Dork" (at least I'm hoping its lovingly.) I like to think I help keep lame movie producers in business. My good deed, if you will.

One of my favorites from the '80's is the bubblegum fantasy film "The Beastmaster" directed by none other than Don Coscarelli, the man who gave us Phantasm (another excellent movie.)

Beastmaster is the story of Dar (Marc Singer) - who, as a fetus, was sucked out of his mother's womb by a disgustingly ugly witch, and unceremoniously deposited into the belly of a cow. After his parents were killed at the order of the Evil Priest Maax (since Dar's mom was the queen and all,) Dar was cut from the belly of the cow, branded with some sort of symbol on his poor little palm, and about to be knifed to death by the witch as a type of sacrifice when a farmer happened along and saved his newborn life.

Dar was raised by said farmer as though he were his own son, so when the Jun Horde show up at the order of Evil Priest Maax (Rip Torn) and destroy his village and everything and everyone he has grown to love, Dar sets out for revenge.

What we learn about Dar is that he has a special "power" - he can talk to animals with his mind. He develops a bond with a black tiger whom he "rescues" and refers to as his "strength." He then adopts two ferrets that tried to steal from him, his "cunning," and a hawk, whom he refers to as his "sight" (since he can "see" what the hawk sees.)

It's not long into his mission when Dar stumbles across some half naked women bathing in a river, of which one in particular catches his eye. We learn this woman is Kiri, (Tanya Roberts) a slave girl, and Dar adds rescuing her to his list of things to do.

The Beastmaster certainly has his work cut out for him. To do this alone would be tough, so luckily Dar meets up with Seth (John Amos of Good Times - yes, I said Good Times)and Tal (Joshua Milrad.) Which is about the time things begin to get complicated.

So let's recap just to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. Dar needs to:

  • Defeat the Jun Horde
  • Kill the evil priest Maax
  • Rescue and get a little nookie from Kiri
  • Save Kiri's uncle (who is also Tal's dad)  who is being held prisoner by the Evil Priest Maax (did I forget to mention that part?)
  • Save the day and attain HERO status thereby being the envy of all men and the desire of all women
  • Try not to get killed in the process of items above

Oh and I should probably add "don't get turned into a Death Guard." And before you ask, I will tell you.

A death guard is one who protects - to the death -  the "empire" the Evil Priest Maax robbed, pillaged and slaughtered to obtain. You start by taking a prisoner, adorn him with studded leather collars and spikes, then force a leech like critter to crawl into his ear, where it then travels to his brain and causes instant insanity and inhuman strength. Doesn't that sound like a fun time? Just don't get in his way, cuz' it's gonna hurt if you do. Alot.

Fans of Conan the Barbarian and Krull will love this movie as the campiness and cheese factor is every bit as prevalent. Add some sword and sorcery play, the required B boob shots, some chiseled abs, and you are looking at a really fun time.

It turns out there might even be some incest in this movie, as we learn Dar is related to Kiri, but don't dwell on that part. Focus instead on the intense fight scenes, the insanely cunning ferrets, the well developed story line, and the wonderful B actors that deliver a total B movie delight. You won't "B" disappointed!