Some Movies That Started it All

Recently I posted a review about the Italian horror film Suspiria. That review exposed (in a non gratuitous Boob shot kind of way) how my fetish for horror came to be. Some of you asked appallingly who would subject me to such things at such a young age, while others began to better understand why I may seem a little "off kilter."

For starters, my mother is to blame (thanksMom!) being as my father was not one to leave the house except for work and other "necessary" outings and my brothers were usually out doing gawd knows what (I know but I ain't tellin'!)  That left lil' ol' me me as her bodyguard movie buddy. Face it - no one wants to watch a scary movie alone, but we all love being scared (at least in a non life threatening sort of way.) My mom did and I was no different. I loved going to see each and every one of these movies.

(We'll just skip over the part where these movies warped me so bad that I had to sleep completely under the covers - otherwise demons and goblins could see me in my bed.

Or the part where my closet door had to be closed all the way  because those glowing green eyes from that thing in Suspiria were lurking in there......

Or that the black kaleidoscope of colors I would see when I closed my eyes would form goblins of their own, forcing me to open my eyes and stay awake way later than I should have...

Of course this did result in my creativity to craft adventures in my mind where I would always be in singing contests - or at concerts - and there just happened to be some rock and roll star there that I had the hots for. They would become awe struck with me and rocket me towards stardom.....

That was the only way I could keep my eyes closed for any length of time. Well that and the headphones blasting rock music into my ears so I could drown out the sounds of any werebeasts sneaking in my room to get me.....

But that's a whole 'nother story and a side of me that's probably better if I didn't talk about anymore. So let's move on, shall we?)

So I thought I would do a little synopsis of the movies that in addition to Suspiria, started it all for me. Here they are in no particular order:

Rattlers

Rattlers is a movie guaranteed to appease just about any B-movie lover. Needless to say it scared the bejesus out of me and made it so that to this day, I cannot take a bath with my back to the faucet - I have to be facing it. You know, so I can run when I see snakes pop out of it (if you saw the movie, you would understand.)

There is a good review of the movie here.

In a nutshell, this is a movie about a small town that becomes overrun with chemically altered rattlesnakes that go around killing animals, kids, old people - they really are rather indiscriminate which I find refreshing. Definitely worth the watch for fans of reptile movies.

The Car

Wow. Was this one creepy.

First you have a blacked out car that rides around killing people and when it finally becomes cornered, we find that no one is behind the wheel!

Oh, please tell me it's not the devil himself driving the car!

Anyway, James Brolin stars in gem, but don't let his name fool ya about this one. This is still a B-movie all the way, and now that I think about it, probably has something to do with the fact that I refuse to bike ride on the road......

You can read more about it here.

The Beast Within

Ok, so this one was just gross.

Some werebeast thing rapes a chick - I think she was on her honeymoon, but I can't remember - and she ends up pregnant and keeps the kid. Hello! You don't need a brain to figure out that's not smart! But we need the premise and this one is a doozie.

So the kid - the werebeast offspring - is born normal but when he nears 18, he starts to have a "transformation" of sorts and a bunch of stuff happens, people die, and then he sheds his skin during locust season just like a locust does. It was really gross and weird and caused me many nightmares.

You can read a more in depth review of it here.

Tentacles

This B-movie is loaded with above the "B" grade actors: John Houston, Henry Fonda, Shelly Winters. Some of you might even recognize Bo Hopkins.

Much like Jaws and Orca, in Tentacles people seem to just disappear while in the water. What sucks worse is that when their bodies are discovered, we find they are gnawed down to skeletal remains, with the marrow sucked right out of their bones. How could this be? What could do such a thing?

One doctor in particular begins to suspect that their local water world was poisoned when an underground tunnel was being created, resulting in an octopus morphing into gargantuan proportions. Who can save them from all those tentacles?

I can't remember if Tentacles (Tentacoli to be exact)  was good or not ( after all, I was only 9 in 1977 when I saw it on the big screen) but I sure as hell was afraid to go into water that I couldn't see through for years after this one!

You can read more about this classic here.

Bug

Yes, Bug. And the title should tell you why this one stays with me. I mean, how could anyone resist a tagline for a move about mutant cockroaches like the one for this movie:

"They Look Like Rocks & Possess High Intelligence.

They Have No Eyes & Eat Ashes.

They Travel In Your Car Exhaust.

They Make Fire.

They Kill."

Yikes! I find it rather ironic however, that I ended up being a bug-lady at one point in my life. Yes, a bug-lady, as in exterminator.

Hey! I had to get certified for it ya' know. It's not like just anyone can walk in off the streets and start killing bugs with hazardous chemicals. Not legally anyway. Those chemicals they let me play with were badass!

Anyway, I am sure it is every bit as good as I remember. (It's because of this movie I don't have a phone, I can remember that!) AND It actually won an award for Best Special Effects. Granted it may not be from anyone you ever heard of, but it still won.

You can read more about Bug here.

Flesh for Frankenstein (in 3D)

Ironically my dad, the one who hated these kinds of movies, took me to see this because I really wanted to go. Though this movie was released initially in 1973, It came to Augusta in '81 at one of those $2 theaters that don't exist anymore (at least not around here) that loved to screen old movies because they could get them cheaply. My parents were divorced, and taking me to this movie was one of the two times my dad surprised me by doing something cool for me (thanksPop!)

I remember being repulsed by the movie. Not sure if it was the movie though, or the fact that I was there with my dad. I think I need to watch it again as I barely remember it and it is a movie right up my alley (well... except for the incest. That was just gross.)

After all, this movie has blood, gore, nudity, Dr. Frankenstein, and zombies all wrapped up and delivered in a 3-D perspective. Only word I can think of is: SCORE!

Anyway, there is a pretty favorable review of it here. The reviewer kinda rambles on about 3-D and the like which I skipped over 'cuz face it, I am about the gore, camp, and B-factor - not the cinematic effects. But it's a good review and worth the read.

Now you know the rest of the story...

There were oodles more: To The Devil a Daughter; The Last House on the Left; and of course the required Carrie; The Omen; The Shining..... they all affected me in their own way, and made me a little weirder; but they also give me an escape from real life, if just for a short while, and a whole lot of laughs and scares (and there have been so many more since!)

What more could a little girl ask for??

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The Beastmaster – “B” at it’s Best

There are certain movies that I can watch repeatedly - to the point where the DVD/VHS needs to be replaced due to extreme signs of usage - and never tire of them. Movies like The Wedding Singer, that is so ridiculous, and 80's and yet speaks to me on so many levels. Movies like Wrong Turn (cannibalism at its finest); Quintin Tarantino's Death Proof (review to follow) or The Faculty, where you have a bunch of freaky high school kids who are just trying to get by end up trying just not to get possessed by aliens. My endless list of these types of movies reinforce the fact that I am what my husband lovingly refers to as "The Uber Dork" (at least I'm hoping its lovingly.) I like to think I help keep lame movie producers in business. My good deed, if you will.

One of my favorites from the '80's is the bubblegum fantasy film "The Beastmaster" directed by none other than Don Coscarelli, the man who gave us Phantasm (another excellent movie.)

Beastmaster is the story of Dar (Marc Singer) - who, as a fetus, was sucked out of his mother's womb by a disgustingly ugly witch, and unceremoniously deposited into the belly of a cow. After his parents were killed at the order of the Evil Priest Maax (since Dar's mom was the queen and all,) Dar was cut from the belly of the cow, branded with some sort of symbol on his poor little palm, and about to be knifed to death by the witch as a type of sacrifice when a farmer happened along and saved his newborn life.

Dar was raised by said farmer as though he were his own son, so when the Jun Horde show up at the order of Evil Priest Maax (Rip Torn) and destroy his village and everything and everyone he has grown to love, Dar sets out for revenge.

What we learn about Dar is that he has a special "power" - he can talk to animals with his mind. He develops a bond with a black tiger whom he "rescues" and refers to as his "strength." He then adopts two ferrets that tried to steal from him, his "cunning," and a hawk, whom he refers to as his "sight" (since he can "see" what the hawk sees.)

It's not long into his mission when Dar stumbles across some half naked women bathing in a river, of which one in particular catches his eye. We learn this woman is Kiri, (Tanya Roberts) a slave girl, and Dar adds rescuing her to his list of things to do.

The Beastmaster certainly has his work cut out for him. To do this alone would be tough, so luckily Dar meets up with Seth (John Amos of Good Times - yes, I said Good Times)and Tal (Joshua Milrad.) Which is about the time things begin to get complicated.

So let's recap just to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. Dar needs to:

• Defeat the Jun Horde
• Kill the evil priest Maax
• Rescue and get a little nookie from Kiri
• Save Kiri's uncle (who is also Tal's dad)  who is being held prisoner by the Evil Priest Maax (did I forget to mention that part?)
• Save the day and attain HERO status thereby being the envy of all men and the desire of all women
• Try not to get killed in the process of items above

Oh and I should probably add "don't get turned into a Death Guard." And before you ask, I will tell you.

A death guard is one who protects - to the death -  the "empire" the Evil Priest Maax robbed, pillaged and slaughtered to obtain. You start by taking a prisoner, adorn him with studded leather collars and spikes, then force a leech like critter to crawl into his ear, where it then travels to his brain and causes instant insanity and inhuman strength. Doesn't that sound like a fun time? Just don't get in his way, cuz' it's gonna hurt if you do. Alot.

Fans of Conan the Barbarian and Krull will love this movie as the campiness and cheese factor is every bit as prevalent. Add some sword and sorcery play, the required B boob shots, some chiseled abs, and you are looking at a really fun time.

It turns out there might even be some incest in this movie, as we learn Dar is related to Kiri, but don't dwell on that part. Focus instead on the intense fight scenes, the insanely cunning ferrets, the well developed story line, and the wonderful B actors that deliver a total B movie delight. You won't "B" disappointed!

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Who is John Hancock?

I wasn’t sure what to expect going in to Hancock. Critics slam it citing the story line was weak and failed to hold the audience captive, while reviewers rave about it's offerings of action, drama, romance, and comedy, all rolled into one. Read more

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Journey to the Center of the Earth

ok. So time for one more confession.

I'm a big Brendan Frasier fan.

Now I know what you are thinking.... he is no Brad Pitt, and you might have a point there but I have a thing for guys with a sense of humor, who know how to really laugh, and Brendan Fraser does both.

Brad Pitt cheats on his wife. Enough said.

So needless to say I was very excited this past weekend when my husband agreed to go see Journey. Unfortunately it was not the 3D version as apparently our local theaters are too cheap to spring for those highfalutin' special paper glasses or something, so we were forced to watch the "normal" version.......

If you expect this movie to be a remake of the 1959 version that starred Pat Boone, you will probably be disappointed. It is not. Although the 2008 version has the same basic vein as the 1959 movie (well.....at least the same title) the entire story has been modified to be more fun, slightly campy, and 100% bubblegum entertainment for the entire family.

Cause & Effect

Brendan Fraser plays Trevor Anderson, a science professor who discovers that his long lost brother may have disappeared due to his finding the passageway to the earth's very core. Unfortunately he does this on the first weekend that his nephew Sean comes to stay with him for a couple weeks.

Using Jules Verne's book "A Journey to the Center of the Earth" as a guide, the two set off to Iceland in hopes of finding some evidence to Trevor's theory. Instead what they find is a very expensive blond mountain guide named Hannah (that Sean called dibs on, BTW) and proof that Jules Verne's book was not science fiction, but non-fiction.....

Result

Trapped at the earths core, with flesh eating flying fish, giant carnivorous dinosaurs and the center's quickly rising heat, the three struggle to find a way back to their world on the "surface" before their time runs out and they are either eaten or cooked alive. The discovery of Sam's abode where he spent the last days of his life, and notes on how to return home, inspire the trio and soon they are racing against time and fate to make it back home.

Conclusion

There isn't great character development or a deep story line, but the actors deliver fun and the film entertains. It's quick paced, provides enough action and witty remarks to remain interesting throughout, and ends in a manner fitting for the movie.

There seems to be a trend with Brendan Frasier and women with accents (guess I need to brush up on my German heritage to have any chance) but that aside, I did thoroughly enjoy this movie. To enjoy the movie, however, one must be sure to know, going in, that it is for entertainment value only, and not a literary masterpiece displayed impressively on film. Think Jurassic Park or Back to the Future - and you will have the same campy feel with Journey to the Center of the Earth. It won't leave you more knowledgeable of history or politics or Shakespeare...... but is that all there is to a good movie? I mean really??

Movies exist to entertain us, and this one did it for me. How 'bout you? A flop, or not?

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It’s Prom Night…

The original Prom Night, filmed from start to finish on one whooping month, stars Jamie Lee Curtis in another role that helped earn her status of being one of Hollywood's "scream queens." Only in this movie, Jamie doesn't play so much of a damsel in distress as she does a damsel who takes action.

Cause & Effect

All 10 year old Robin wanted to do was play with Kelly, Jude, Wendy, and Nick. She didn't care that they were older than her. They did though and took a game that was innocent enough to a level that a scared 10 year wouldn't understand, resulting in poor Robin falling out of a broken window to her death.

Although it was an accident, the 4 kids left standing vowed never to tell a soul, convinced they would do jail time if anyone were to find out.

Flash forward six years and Kelly, Jude, Wendy, and Nick are seniors having the time of their lives. Friends with most all 4 of them is Kim Hammond, older sister of dead Robin, only she doesn't know they had anything to do with her sisters death.

Someone does, though, and they are leaving calling cards in lockers and making anonymous phone calls. Too bad the seniors are too stupid to pick up on the hints.....

Read more

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Top 5 Killers in Horror Movies

Have any of you ever had a bad guy that you wanted to the beat the snot out of one of the good guys? People talk about rooting for the underdog all the time, but what about rooting for the killer? Feeling glad that some arrogant yokel who does nothing more than take up unnecessary space gets toasted by Jason, or Freddy.... finding comfort in knowing that the wonderful air we breathe is no longer wasted on some loser?

I know I have. And I've compiled a small list of some of my favorite horror movie bad guys:

Hannibal Lecter

The great Anthony Hopkins as the cannibalistic serial killer, Hannibal. He is so creepy and downright convincing in his first role as Hannibal in Silence of the Lambs that in 1992 he won the Academy Award for Best Actor.

I know Hannibal is no where near as vicious in the sense of gruesome, but in the sense of psychological mind screwing, there is no one better.

From talking a bozo in a separate jail cell to commit suicide by swallowing his tongue, to joyfully eating human flesh, Anthony Hopkins delivers a villain almost as gruesome as the mutants in The Hills Have Eyes. The Hannibal Trio will leave you feeling disturbed long after the credits have rolled, and I for one contribute it to Anthony Hopkins.

Jigsaw

The evil no-gooder in Saw 1 through 35 (Ok so that might be a stretch but with the popularity these movies have I feel confident they could easily have 35 installments before it's all over.)

Although I am not a huge Saw fan (as anyone who has read my blog previously knows that I am not for horror that could be reality unless it's based on a true story) I must confess that Jigsaw is downright twisted. Twisted in a manner that I have yet to see matched in any other villain. I often have marveled at the creativity and imagination of Stephen King but I think that the writers of Saw, James Wan and Leigh Whannell, definitely give him a run for his money.

The psychological aspects of the Saw movies is amazing in its translation, not losing any ground by being externalized on film. Admittedly I have only seen the first two but based off the series increased popularity I cannot imagine it has wanned. The blood and gore is superbly realistic, and serves well to magnify the fear factor that Jigsaw instills in his viewers.

It scared the BeJeBees out of me. So much so that I can't even watch any more of them. That should tell you something (about the movie being worth the watch; not that I am a big sissy who can't handle her psychopaths.)

Michael Myers

Say what you want, but I loved numbers 1-4 or 5 of the Halloween movies. And I even loved H2O - Michael 20 years later. I think #6 was a little lame but I have not seen it in so long that I can't quite remember.

One thing I do remember however, that is not cool about this series is that in one of them, 4? I think? Jamie Curtis's character Laurie Strobe is killed by Michael Myers. Yet she comes back for the 20th anniversary release of H2O.

So what did I miss? Can any of your fellow horror fans fill me in? Perhaps it was addressed in #6 and I am having a case of B-movie Blockage? (Yes, I just made that up.) Did she just break her back in the 4 story fall out of the hospital window?

Anyway, John Carpenter is one of my favorites as he always manages to appease the cheesy and campy requirements of classic B-movies. There is always nudity; there are always people running off by themselves; the bad guy never dies, and stupid people manage to act.... well..... stupider! A major thumbs up in my book!

Leatherface

What can be said about Leatherface that has not already be said or written? This guy has absolutely zero remorse, total dedication and determination to the hunt, and always finishes off the game with a tasty meal. And who will the guest of honor be? Why YOU of course, served with a side of veggies and potatoes.

Sure this movie could be a reality. After all, Jeffrey Dahmer really did exist. But for some reason this movie does not freak me out others do. This one is just plain badass good.

I know that typically the original versions are rarely surpassed by their predecessors. I too, typically prefer the original over any remakes. But the quality of cinematography and visual graphics has progressed so that in the horror genre, provided you have decent actors and a relatively competent director, the remake far surpasses the original but does not "take away from" the original.

For me, that is the case with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Both the 1974 version, and the 2003 remake are decidedly great gore-fest film and both scare the hell out of me. Leatherface and his chainsaw wielding thirst for bloodshed never wane and never run out of gas. Bare in mind the original version is not truly bloody, rather it suggests the carnage much in the style of famed Alfred Hitchcock.

(Another prime example of this is the Rob Zombie's Halloween versus John Carpenter's Halloween. Both awesome movies, and both with their own identity.)

Jason Voorhees

Yup. Jason from Friday the 13th fame, numbers 1 through 11. And Yup - you heard me right. 11.

I didn't love all of them. One that especially comes to mind is where Jason is made into a Cyborg (number 10 I think.) Another prime example of moldy cheese. But Jason is one determined bastard and he'll literally stop at nothing to kill anyone and anything he decides to place in his path.

The first 3 are definitely staples of any horror fan's vault and I love nothing more than curling up with a bucket of popcorn and a glass (or bottle) of wine (yes wine and popcorn taste good together!) and buckle up for the campy antics and typical B-film goodness that I know is in store for me. Sure I fuss at the stupidity even though I know whats going to happen; it's required.

Jason is alot like Freddy Kruger (who would be number 6 on my list if I were to go beyond number 5. Which I'm not.) Both cannot be killed and even if you decapitate them, they will be back, guarenteed. Even if you bury the head in the North Pole and the body in the South Pole; they will be back. You thought we only had two constants in life? The 2 being taxes and death? Well make Jason coming back again and again and again, constant number 3.

Conclusion

So there you have it. My favorite top 5 evil, no holds barred, no prisoners taken, kickass killers. Who are your favorites? Who did I leave out??

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