A Raw Slice From the Delicatessen, Please

I'm couch ridden today. It would seem some really nasty snot gremlins have taken up residence in my nasal passages and are doing everything possible to make me feel utterly miserable. You'd think they'd be satisfied with just cramming all their buddies and their buddies buddies into my nostrils to the point where my head feels like its about to explode but they aren't. No, they feel the need to bungee jump down my throat and sometimes the bastards break the cord so the coughing fits that ensue really wreck havoc on my already throbbing head. If only Uncle Fester were around, I could borrow his head vice and pop those annoying little buggers out of my system altogether.

But I have no idea where Fester is, so in my weakened state I subjected myself to even more torture, compliments of NetFlix. Although I use the term "torture" loosely as actually one of today's choices was pretty good.

My .02 Cents

Horror fans far and wide give me shit because I do not like to watch Foreign films. Some drivel about how I am really missing out on great, quality horror (I usually filter them out at this point but I'm pretty sure what they are saying is drivel.)

Here's my problem with foreign horror: For starters, I tend to multitask when I watch movies at home, and having to keep my eyes constantly on the boobtube to read the subtitling (since I speak very little foreign languages) is a bit tedious. Secondly, the foreign horror flicks I wind up watching are usually.... well..... lame if you want to know the truth. And coming from me, that's pretty bad considering I usually like some pretty lame stuff!

So I thought I would try Marc Caro's & Jean-Pierre Jeunet's 1991 direction of Delicatessen (judging by the directors' names, you would be safe in presuming its a French treat.)

Starting out we see a barren town with run down buildings and beat up cars. It's filthy, as are the people, and money is basically obsolete. We learn from the word go that payment is usually in the form of bartering for grains, or shoes, etc. I'm not really sure if the setting is post apocalyptic, or perhaps set in the past after some war-torn era; judging by the cars and clothing, I'd guess the 50's or so. First up we meet Clapet, the local butcher who seemingly takes great pride in his meat. We also see someone trying to flee Clapet's establishment (which doubles as a boardinghouse) only to meet his death at the end of our friendly butchers meat cleaver. Hence the set up.

It's quickly evident that the world is starving to death and forced to eat anything that walks, which seems to be humans (apparently all of the rodents and pet life has disappeared.) Clapet is one of the few who has little to no remorse about slicing and dicing people while people have little to no remorse about eating the very people sliced and diced. Survival of the fittest I guess.

So a new tenant, Louison, moves into the apartments above the Delicatessen and Clapet's daughter Julie takes an immediate fancy to him. The basis of this movie is Clapet wanting to kill Louison for food (as well as revenge for "taking his daughter away from him") and Julie trying to do whatever she can to prevent it from happening.

Delicatessen tries to be darkly humorous, with a few subtle scares thrown in for good measure. Dialogue is lacking and bloodshed is minimal, and more often than not cuts erratically from one scene to the next, which left me scratching my head as if I missed something important. I think the most effective parts of the movie were the setting, which was dank and dirty and ominous; and the character's development of their expressions and mannerisms (trust me when I say there are no beauty queens in this one!) The actors are what kept me involved all the way to the end. The prolonged annoying sound effects were definitely not.

Although I can't say I did not enjoy Delicatessen, I also can't say that I did. I kind of enjoyed it. Who knows? Maybe I should watch it again when I am not doped up on Sudafed and Robitussin. Maybe then I would enjoy it more.

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Dead Alive aka Brain Dead

Typically I am not a fan of movies that provide gore just for the sake of shock effect. Usually in these cases the gore is lamely executed or the story line is exceptionally weak. It's also in these cases that I find myself annoyed or disgusted, all too aware that the movie is trying to make up for an extremely poor plot by providing mass quantities of blood and innards and gore (think Cabin Fever.)

I was a little worried when I first popped Dead Alive (aka Braindead) into the DVD player. I just kept telling myself "Zombies! There are zombies in this movie so it has to be good." Now I know you are thinking.... "Huh? Just 'cuz a movie has zombies does not mean its going to be good." Well, you could be right, but all zombie movies deserve an open minded chance, and this one was no different.

Cause & Effect

It would seem that a bite from a Sumatran rat-monkey can cause people to die slow, horrible deaths. As well, these same bites can cause these same now dead people to re-animate and go on a killing spree.

That's what happened to Lionel's mom at the zoo. A damned rat-monkey bit her while she was spying on her adult son having what was most likely his first date ever with a girl named Paquita (the dumb bitty had to go and flaunt her goodies to Lionel and try to take her son from her. Not a chance in hell she is going to let that happen!)

Soon Lionel's mom is literally falling apart (at one point, her ear fell off into her porridge and she ends up eating it) and no one can determine what is wrong. No one that is, until she dies and tries to eat the nurse that pronounced her dead. Then Lionel determines what is wrong with her, but can't seem to stop her from turning a handful of other people into flesh eating zombies, even though he was keeping her locked in the basement for the most part....

Result

Lionel breaks up with Paquita in an attempts to save her from certain fate, and to keep his zombie mom and her clan a secret. After all, Lionel is allowing the zombies to stay at his place, where he picks up after them, makes them supper, and finds ways for them to be entertained without going out for fresh "meat." But one night when Lionel isn't looking, two of the zombies have a little fling and the result is the fastest conception and birth known to man! Or perhaps I should say "known to zombie."

A BABY! That's right. A little zombie baby that "popped" right out after about 5 minutes of baking. And talk about ugly! WHOA! Reason #1 for birth control!

A particularly funny scene is when Lionel tries to maintain some sort of normalcy and decides to take the "baby" to the park in a stroller. Who cares that he has to use barbed wire to keep the baby in the stroller (so it won't eat anyone of course) Lionel still tries to look normal and fit in. Unfortunately things get out of hand, baby escapes, and the cheesy, corny, gawd awful meyhem that ensues is absolutely hysterical! This scene alone is one reason of many to watch this movie for sure!

Conclusion

So Lionel's uncle finds out about the dead bodies in the basement (not realizing they are really zombies because Lionel has taken to giving them tranquilizers to knock 'em out on a regular basis) and threatens to go to the cops unless Lionel forks over some of his poor dead mother's sizable estate. Lionel tells him he can have it all, and plans on skipping town. Unfortunately his uncle shows up before Lionel can leave, bringing in tow a large amount of his loser buddies for a party, and has Lionel serve as their personal wait-wench.

What happens next is sheer genius, ranking alongside The Evil Dead, which as you all know, I absolutely loved!

First Paquita happens by, sees the "party" and gets very upset for Lionel apparently not being heartbroken over their "break."

Then an enlightened Paquita and Lionel thought they had found a way to kill, for good this time, the zombies in the basement, but what they ended up doing was giving them animal stimulants resulting in the party goers upstairs being fresh meat treats for the energetic zombies!

Before long Lionel is ass over bandbox in zombies and finds the only weapon he can effectively use: a lawnmower. Sooner than you can say "Dude!" it's every zombie for themselves as body parts meet blades in a blood curdling climax!

But wait! It doesn't end there! Becuase in the midst of zombie carnage, Lionel's mother never showed, and he can't leave her "undead" else she might try to recreate what he worked so diligently to destroy. Now if only he could find out where she was lurking.....

The REAL Conclusion

So mom has apparently morphed into some gigantic ugly mutant thing with saggy boobs, and thunder thighs. I don't think I'd admit to being related myself, but poor Lionel always was a momma's boy. That is until he saw her as a pus oozing zombie monster. Not to mention he found out some rather unfavorable information about her in a locked chest, but you'll have to watch the movie to find out what that was.

So anyway, after seeing his mom in a new "light" Lionel puts and ends to his past, and opens the door to his zombie free future with Paquita.....

.... oh hell..... was that the little zombie-baby-bastard running off into the woods....???? Better tune in to find out!

Recommendation

I must confess, I was leary going into this. Cult followings do not always mean I am going to like a movie, especially when it starts out with British accents (think "Train Spotting" - can you say gagggg??)

But this one delivers. With a decapitated zombie having a lawn gnome stuffed down his neck (gotta have a head, ya know) to Lionel's mom being overstuffed with embalming fluid so she literally explodes in a gory goo (but still survives as an undead, of course); to zombie sex and love in the afternoon. This movie has it all. From a journey of personal growth and self discovery (Lionel's battle with the umbilical cord) to selfless love when least expected (Paquita's love for Lionel. I mean really - I don't know if I could risk my life fighting zombies for my husband!); to comedy and suspense, and gore, and blood. Did I mention the blood?? There is even the standard boob shot! Granted it's old and misshapen and slightly ridiculous, but it's in there!

Should you see this movie? Oh yeh. I would actually suggest you purchase it as it is most definitely a keeper for anyone who considers themselves a horror fan. Go on! What are you waiting for??!!!

Interesting Movie Facts

• Braindead has been recorded as the bloodiest film ever, literally! About 600 gallons of fake blood was used during the production.

• This movie is actually known by two names. In the UK it is named "Braindead", in the US it is named "Dead-Alive".

• Director Peter Jackson makes a cameo appearance as the Mortuary Director's Assistant when Lionel's mom is being filled with embalming fluid. Whilst the fluid gushes out of Mum, Jackson grabs the sandwich he left beside the corpse and takes a bite. Oh, and did I mention its covered in embalming fluid??

• The movie rental release in Sweden came with supplemental vomit bags (can't imagine why!)

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