The Beastmaster – “B” at it’s Best

There are certain movies that I can watch repeatedly - to the point where the DVD/VHS needs to be replaced due to extreme signs of usage - and never tire of them. Movies like The Wedding Singer, that is so ridiculous, and 80's and yet speaks to me on so many levels. Movies like Wrong Turn (cannibalism at its finest); Quintin Tarantino's Death Proof (review to follow) or The Faculty, where you have a bunch of freaky high school kids who are just trying to get by end up trying just not to get possessed by aliens. My endless list of these types of movies reinforce the fact that I am what my husband lovingly refers to as "The Uber Dork" (at least I'm hoping its lovingly.) I like to think I help keep lame movie producers in business. My good deed, if you will.

One of my favorites from the '80's is the bubblegum fantasy film "The Beastmaster" directed by none other than Don Coscarelli, the man who gave us Phantasm (another excellent movie.)

Beastmaster is the story of Dar (Marc Singer) - who, as a fetus, was sucked out of his mother's womb by a disgustingly ugly witch, and unceremoniously deposited into the belly of a cow. After his parents were killed at the order of the Evil Priest Maax (since Dar's mom was the queen and all,) Dar was cut from the belly of the cow, branded with some sort of symbol on his poor little palm, and about to be knifed to death by the witch as a type of sacrifice when a farmer happened along and saved his newborn life.

Dar was raised by said farmer as though he were his own son, so when the Jun Horde show up at the order of Evil Priest Maax (Rip Torn) and destroy his village and everything and everyone he has grown to love, Dar sets out for revenge.

What we learn about Dar is that he has a special "power" - he can talk to animals with his mind. He develops a bond with a black tiger whom he "rescues" and refers to as his "strength." He then adopts two ferrets that tried to steal from him, his "cunning," and a hawk, whom he refers to as his "sight" (since he can "see" what the hawk sees.)

It's not long into his mission when Dar stumbles across some half naked women bathing in a river, of which one in particular catches his eye. We learn this woman is Kiri, (Tanya Roberts) a slave girl, and Dar adds rescuing her to his list of things to do.

The Beastmaster certainly has his work cut out for him. To do this alone would be tough, so luckily Dar meets up with Seth (John Amos of Good Times - yes, I said Good Times)and Tal (Joshua Milrad.) Which is about the time things begin to get complicated.

So let's recap just to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. Dar needs to:

• Defeat the Jun Horde
• Kill the evil priest Maax
• Rescue and get a little nookie from Kiri
• Save Kiri's uncle (who is also Tal's dad)  who is being held prisoner by the Evil Priest Maax (did I forget to mention that part?)
• Save the day and attain HERO status thereby being the envy of all men and the desire of all women
• Try not to get killed in the process of items above

Oh and I should probably add "don't get turned into a Death Guard." And before you ask, I will tell you.

A death guard is one who protects - to the death -  the "empire" the Evil Priest Maax robbed, pillaged and slaughtered to obtain. You start by taking a prisoner, adorn him with studded leather collars and spikes, then force a leech like critter to crawl into his ear, where it then travels to his brain and causes instant insanity and inhuman strength. Doesn't that sound like a fun time? Just don't get in his way, cuz' it's gonna hurt if you do. Alot.

Fans of Conan the Barbarian and Krull will love this movie as the campiness and cheese factor is every bit as prevalent. Add some sword and sorcery play, the required B boob shots, some chiseled abs, and you are looking at a really fun time.

It turns out there might even be some incest in this movie, as we learn Dar is related to Kiri, but don't dwell on that part. Focus instead on the intense fight scenes, the insanely cunning ferrets, the well developed story line, and the wonderful B actors that deliver a total B movie delight. You won't "B" disappointed!