Zombie Myth Busters & Weapons That Kill

This is the 2nd installment in my series of Zombie Survival tactics as learned in Max Brook's book "The Zombie Survival Guide." Read more

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The Basics of Zombie Survival

You know, people make fun of me when I talk about the potential of a zombie apocalypse. They make fun because either they do not believe, or they are too afraid to entertain the possibility. I say to hell with them. Let them make fun of me because in the end, they will probably be of the un-dead variety and I will have the pleasure of the final word. For those of you not understanding what that means, it means I will get to blow their zombie heads off.

So for those of you who are more open minded, I wanted to point out some of the basics you probably already know but don’t really think about. By doing this, and reviewing it, we will be more prepared and effective when the need arises.

Hopefully it never will, but who’s to say what lays in wait for us down the road, right? So let’s not waste anymore time.

Certain weapons you will want on hand even if there is no zombie apocalypse. After all, we are a nation of thugs, pedophiles, serial killers, rapists, and God only knows what else, so do yourself a favor and stock up. Some weapons you have already though you may not realize it, such as a shower curtain rod. Especially the metal ones, versus the plastic ones. The plastic ones are probably sturdy enough to pierce a zombies head, but to do so with one repeated might weaken it. Metal ones would be a lot more durable so you might want to consider swapping them out if yours is of the plastic variety.

Other weapons you may not realize you already have are tire irons, fireplace pokers, golf clubs, ice picks; although with things like ice picks and meat thermometers you are going to have to get up close and personal to a zombie to be able to strike a stopping blow. Not a lot of people can handle that proximity and the added risk for becoming an un-dead. Not to mention you have to be a really good aim to work this close up. It's important that you know your limitations, and arrange to protect yourself in spite of them.

Weapons you might find in your shed or garage would include weed whackers and lawn mowers (if you don't believe me on that one, just watch Dead Alive. You will never look at your lawn mower the same way again, I promise you!) The problem these two items pose are either a. they run out of gas, or b. you have to plug it in and your range of effectiveness is limited to the length of cord the "weapon" is equipped with.

I would highly suggest that now, before the worst has happened, that you take stock of what is in your home that could prove to be effective against a zombie. A large umbrella perhaps; a hockey stick; a ski pole; a baseball bat. If you are like me, you have a lot more crap weapons laying around than you realized.

I myself am a firm believer in guns, and have made it a point to frequent the shooting range on a regular basis. I didn't start out with the intention of zombie annihilation; I started out as an 18 year old hot confident female living on my own in the po-dunk town of Disgusta, Georgia. That alone was reason enough to arm myself, and if you ever lived here you would understand.

As time passed however, I realized that understanding and respect for a gun would not only protect me from criminals and rapists, but be advantageous in the war against the un-dead!

Whether you are a republican or not, you have to see how greatly your chances improve when you are properly and knowledgeably armed. Shooting a gun is way different from knowing how to shoot a gun. One gets the bad guy killed, the other gets you killed.

You will also want to make sure you are adequately stocked in the food department. Now bear in mind you might not be able to cook or even have electricity so you will want to make sure the food you have for emergencies can be eaten raw, or right out of the can (BONUS! I now You now have an excuse to eat Vienna Sausages and not get picked on for it!) And make sure your supply is sufficient to last a couple weeks. You never know how long it will be before you can venture out to restock supplies.

Another item you won't think about straight away but really need to make sure you have plenty of is water. I wouldn't suggest you load up on milk cartons of water and leave them sitting in your garage until they become handy as unfavorable bacteria and things of the like can build up and contaminate your supply. No need for added problems, however I would suggest that you keep empty containers readily available so at the first sign of trouble, you can stock up and be ready for it.

Now if you are anything like me, you are probably thinking you need to make sure you are stocked up on booze. While I completely agree that in times of trouble, nothing soothes like a good glass of vino, or an ice cold amber beer, but that is not even close to being realistic in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

For starters, you, we, need to be coherent and have all of our faculties alert. Although booze would be strongly craved by me some of us, it would not be conducive to survival. As well, diet Pepsi soda would not be a good staple drink as it tends to dehydrate a person, and that could prove to be very detrimental as well.

Something else you want to make certain you have on hand is a really good first aid kit. I'm not talking about those 1.99 specials you find at Wally World either. I am taking about a real first aid like the military would use. You'll want a full first aid kit. Make sure it includes a sufficient supply of bandages, antiseptic cream or spray, burn ointment, rubbing alcohol, and gauze. You will also want basic pain pills, bug spray, bean-o.... just make sure you have whatever it takes to squelch any odd ailments you might suffer from. The last thing you need when being hunted by zombies to get an attack of the shits. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's life. Deal with it and prepare for it.

You will want to make sure you develop your cardiovascular health in addition to your stregnth. Some of you may be opposed to exercise, feeling it's more important to develop the mind. That's all well and good but I can promise you the last thing you want is to be too winded to run away from a gaggle of zombies, or too weak to drive a shower curtain rod through their stinking un-dead brain. I am also pretty sure you do not want to be the one, bitten and bloody and turning, with regret that you didn't use that treadmill sitting in the corner of your room. Or that you took the elevator when the stairs were just as assessable.

You might be thinking that you are in the clear because even though you don't exercise, you have a car or a motorcycle. Well, let's look at the obvious, shall we?

Firstly, cars and motorcycles make lots of noise. That's a homing beacon to zombies. Secondly, cars and motorcycles will run out of gas, and then where will you be when the only pump you can access is surrounded by brain sucking zombies? Won't happen to you, you say? Well I say why tempt fate?

And thirdly, with everyone wanting to flee the apocalypse in their vehicles, there is bound to be accidents and mayhem resulting in traffic jams, accidents, and damned rubber neckers not understanding the urgency of expediency thereby ensuring their demise, which could in turn, mean your demise.

As for potential survivors you might meet in your flight, demand that they strip down past their skivvies to make sure there are no hidden bites they don't want to tell you about. If they refuse, kick their soon to be zombie ass out of there. If they agree, for god's sake, don't take this opportunity to have a free for all love fest. Stay focused people!!!!!

And for you woos-bags out there, you gotta sack up! Know that if your loved ones, be it your friends, girl/boy friends, spouses, brats kids, parents..... whoever it is..... if they are biten they will turn! It's not optional and it's not curable, so sack up and leave them behind to suffer the fate of being a murdering flesh eater. Of course, if you are a cold hearted bitch/bastard strong person who does not want their loved ones to suffer such horrific fate, then put a bullet in their brain. Just make the first shot count so you don't waste valuable ammunition.

As stated previously, this is simply the basics. I have other valuable learning tools noted here and here, and there is still so much more not yet written but I am working on it. Hopefully I will have us all adequately prepared before that dastardly day ever comes.....

Until then, be sure to check back in. Some people may be too afraid to talk about the potential of a zombie apocalypse, either due to fear of a straight jacket and padded cell, or the fear of the possibility. Either way, you only have to read about it on my blog, and I won't tell a soul you stopped by......

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A Refresher Course in Zombie Survival

As I grow older, and my own impending mortality slaps me a little more harshly in the face with awareness, I feel that practicing my survival skills more frequently than my I did in my younger years would prove most advantageous.

Daily news reportings show us that helpless individuals tend to be more the victim, either due to age and slower/weaker resources, or simply due to sheer ignorance (imagine the fate of the stupid ones!)

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I am referring to muggers, rapists, and other criminals who perform random acts of violence. I wish I were but sadly those are crimes you cannot fully prepare for. Oh sure you can take karate classes, or carry a gun in hopes of protecting yourself from such violence, but you can't see these victimizers coming. You can only react once they do.

Fate plays a big part in random acts of crime and as to whether or not you will fall prey to them. Be prepared, sure; but have the foresight to prevent them from happening? Not unless you want to become a hermit. Even then, it's debatable if you will be spared.

No- the survival skills I speak of are those that will potentially save you from the impending zombie invasion. Are you ready? Do you have what it takes to survive? Are you strong enough, mentally??

A couple months back I posted about the best weapons to be used in a zombie attack. You might have read it, but did you retain the information? Perhaps you thought it was drivel; not at all valuable information. But it's exactly that kind of thinking that will get you killed, and then you too, will be eating the flesh of your neighbor with other smelly and fugly undead types.

1. Identify your opponent
They might look innocent enough, but remember, just because there is not evidence of blood or missing body parts does not mean its not an "undead" being. Are they moving slowly? Is their appearance disheveled?? Do they smell of rot? And of course, do they understand the words that are coming out of your mouth??

All of these are clues that could save your life if you pay close enough attention. Trust your gut and your brains, else you might lose them.

2. Understand your opponent
Who are they? Where did they come from? Why do they want to eat your brains? Knowing the answers to these questions could save your life.

3. Seek a safe environment
First and foremost, do NOT lock yourself in a basement or attic! There is no safe way out of these areas, and you want to make sure you can get away in the event of a zombie invasion. Always make sure there is a way OUT even if you want to prevent them from coming IN.

4. Arm yourself
As stated in my opening comments, and I cannot stress this enough, it is VITAL to your survival to arm yourself. In the case of zombies, there is no such thing as too many weapons or too many bullets. There is only the case of potentially not having enough.

5. Zombies are more than just "undead" people
They can be birds, as evidenced in Resident Evil 2; dogs, as in Resident Evil #1; monkeys, as in Dead Alive (review pending); and even BUGS, as I warned you about a month or so ago. Remember - do NOT let your guard down!!

6. Know the facts
Knowledge is key. There is no such thing as too much information. Both may sound cliche but play such an important role in your survival. Read. Study. Prepare. I can't stress this enough. Even President Bush acknowledges there is a threat. Surely you can't denounce the warnings of our president??

These are merely the basics; common sense stuff every HUMAN full of LIFE and BRAINS should know. We are no where near being ready though, by having this information. It's merely a small fraction of the big picture of survival.

I will be picking up with another installment of zombie survival skills, but since it has been so long in between posts, I just wanted to revisit the key points already outlined. As before, print them out. Post them prominantly, where you can see them daily and not forget.

Because forgetting can get you "undead."

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