The IRS and Monsters That Suck

Taxes.

Anyone out there delay the inevitable besides me? Two extensions are allowed, but unless you want the wrath of the IRS Nazi police knocking down your door, at some point you have to file your damned taxes.

Well I for one don't want those Nazi Police knocking down my door so I filed my taxes, and I realized something in doing so. The IRS are a bunch of life draining sucking monsters. Here's why.

vampires

Vampires are a class of undead who exist by feeding on the blood of the living. Throughout literature and movies,vampires are depicted as a misunderstood race, wanting more than anything else to fit into society and be accepted. Yet they have little to no control over their insatiable urge to drink blood. Human blood. So it's almost like they don't want to be evil; they just are by nature. Plus they can't go out into daylight so it'd be kind of hard to fit in, but I'll save that ramble for another post...

Quite similarly, the IRS have leeches auditors who suck drink you dry of any cash you managed to escape paying in annual taxes. Think you completed your taxes accurately? Guess again. The IRS will prove you wrong. One way or another.

Succubus

For those of you who do not know what a succubus is, please allow me to explain.

A succubus is a demon who, while in the form a hot, sexy woman, will seduce a man for unadulterated sweaty sex. Then, while engaged in wild abandon, the succubus will suck the life right out of the man so that they can continue to exist while the horndog man dies.

Much like the succubus, the IRS lures you into their perverted fetish filled world with promises of tax refunds and stimulus checks, only to snatch them away the second you think you are actually going to get some of your hard earned dollars back. Talk about draining!

Zombies

You can't be a reader of my blog and not know what a zombie is or what they stand saunter for, but no matter how entertaining they are to watch, I don't want to get up close and personal with one. Face it. A zombie, no matter how cute and slow (as in short bus) is going to try to eat your brain. Period.

Now an IRS auditor, though not a member of the short bus, rather the "asswipe" bus, may not try to eat your brain, but they will try to eat your bank account. Plus any future deposits that would under normal circumstances deposit there. I don't why the bastards can't just leave me and my money alone. I mean I don't steal, I don't torture kids or small animals, I sometimes torture my husband but I think he secretly likes it - so whywhywhy does the IRS insist on taking money from me??

Werewolves

Werewolves are humans who have the capability to shape shift into a wolf like animal (creature if you prefer) either due to having been bitten by another werewolf, or due to having had a curse placed on them by some evil no good bitch witch.

Werewolves are rather crafty as when in their human form, you have no idea of their inner beast. Your co-worker could be a werewolf and you have no idea! How sucky would that be? You are at your company's christmas party, it happens to be a full moon - and suddenly your perverted co-worker that you hate is trying to rip your throat out after having morphed into a werebeast right in front of your eyes! I'm thinking that would ruin a really good buzz......

The IRS resembles werewolves because you never know how truly mean they are until they sink their teeth in you by auditing your 1040 or, worse yet, auditing your life! Yeh. Those suits can't hide THAT!

Conclusion

So monsters suck, and the IRS, sadly, resemble those monsters that suck. I wish I could just erase them from my memory, but sadly every year it's more of the same, and they rear their ugly heads all over again....

Sigh...... maybe I should just open a Tiki Hut in Jamaica, mon....

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Steven Seagal is Against The Dark

I learned a long time ago that Steven Seagal was used up pretty much after his second film, Hard to Kill. Not that he was good in those first two flicks, but rather that he was sort of good looking, could pull off fight scenes believably, and did not come across as being the arrogant prick he does now. Sure it'd be one thing if his arrogance was justified, but does he seriously think he's that good of an actor that his mere presence in a movie makes it a hit? Hello! Where has this man been for the last 20 years? Did he miss the part where his 30+ films sucked so bad that most either went straight to DVD, or he had such a small role that his presence went unnoticed? (Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior!)

And what the hell is up with Stevieboy's ponytail? Did someone once tell him that "Hey! That's a good look for you" so he decided he'd be buried with the damned thing? Is he afraid if he takes it down all his hair will fall out?

And heaven forbid he have any inflection in his voice or facial expressions. I guess it would detract from his "signature" dark and brooding look that he likes to display in all his roles. Pretty hard to screw up monotone.

Then last (but certainly not least) is of course Seagal's ever expanding waistline. You'd think with all his vast wealth he has earned from all these "hit" films, he'd be able to afford a trainer, but I suppose they would not teach him anything he doesn't already know, and I would imagine they would quit within the first 10 minutes of training.  So instead he wears that same black jacket, movie after movie (or at least they all look the same to me) since as well all know, black is very slimming.... Yet I watch Seagal's movies - many of them, anyway - probably because being a lover of gawd-awful cheesy movies, I know Steven Seagal will deliver. So imagine my elation when I found out he was in a movie that involved none other than vampires. Hell yeh!

2009's Against The Dark is another one of those flicks that start out in medias res where a contageous virus has turned all of the infected into flesh eating vampires. Everything about these vampires scream zombie but because they cannot go out in the daylight we learn they are actually vampires. It's a damned good thing they told me this early on in the movie, too. I needed the clarification 'cuz I was pretty convinced they were zombies.

So within the first 5-10 minutes we see that Seagal plays the role of Tao (ooohhhh, how symbolic) a "hunter" who slices and dices flesh eating vampires with ease as he rushes in to save the human life of a mere lad. Such a hero.

Scene break to six survivors who managed to be trapped inside an abandoned hospital while looking for meds as they search for an exit while simultaneously staying alive. Not so easy as the hospital is filled with the vambies / zompires that are just itching for yet another meal.

I'm not going to bother mentioning any of the other actors in this movie because true to form they are all basically no-name nobodies. I'm also not going to walk you through the chain of events that causes them to die, one by one, until the last remaining few are saved by our symbolic hero Tao. Nor will I go into detail about how the film is darkly shot in an attempts to hide the many flaws of our hero, as well as add to the fear factor of flesh and gore that is so prevalent throughout the film. I would however like to comment on the movie's soundtrack and how humorous I found it to be in the selection of music played to enhance our "amazing" vampire hunter. Hand picked by our star actor himself, I am sure.

Against the Dark did entertain me though, thanks in part to the ample blood and gore. Add that to the fact that nothing else was on tv and I was tired. Plus I was surfing the web while I was watching it. Besides, Seagal's screen time was all of maybe 15 minutes in total spread throughout so if nothing else, that shows promise... right? Almost makes me regret not having watched Lawman yet.

Yeh, rite!

Against the Dark

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $14.99

Amazon Price: $10.99

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Phil Claydon’s 2009 Lesbian Vampire Killers

Ah yes, English movies (English as in the UK, not as in the USofA.) Why is it British comedic type horror movies always leave me laughing? Dead Alive, Shaun of the Dead, Boy Eats Girl.... all dark horror comedies that I love, and all greatly entertaining.

So it's pretty much safe to say that once I added the video clip of the British gem "Lesbian Vampire Killers" to my sidebar I had no choice left but to rent it. Epitomizing everything B and then some, it called to me from the nether regions of cheese. I should probably tell you right out of the gate though that the promise of gratuitous boob shots offered by the trailer was nothing more than a tease, as they neglected to insert any into the actual film. But don't think that means you won't have a good time... I am here to assure you that you will.

I mean seriously - when a lesbian vampire is staked with a tree limb and her last dying breath is an exhale in the form of a fart... well, it's got to be a good time, right?

Cause & Effect

Centuries ago, Lesbian-Witch-Vampire-Queen-Carmilla convinces Baron Wolfgang MacLaren's wife to switch sides. Propelled by jealousy (and most likely "Little Mans Syndrome") Baron MacLaren seeks revenge by serving Carmilla her head on a platter, but not before she curses both the local town of Cragwich, vowing that every female living there will turn into a flesh eating lesbian vampire on her 18th birthday, and the Baron's blood line, promising that once the last of his blood is born and sleeps with a virgin, Carmilla will return and basically all hell will break loose and ruin the world as we know it.

The Evil Bitch.

Needless to say that at some point in time, the townsmen decided to switch sides as well. Apparently turning gay is a better life lived than a life cut too short by being eaten alive by a hot lesbian vampire who just turned 18.

Result

Two somewhat oafish fellows, naive Jimmy and immature Fletch, are having a rather bad day. Jimmy's wife just dumped him for some married guy, while Fletch got fired from his job as a clown because he felt the need to hit an annoying little imp at one of his gigs (my kind of guy.)

They decide to go on a countryside camping trip and drunkenly choose Cragwich as their destination.  After a particularly planned chain of events set into motion by a knowing innkeeper, our two boys find themselves holed up in a lodge with four somewhat eager and willing females with silicone implants and rather short skirts. The girls announce they are hoping to locate the Vampire Queen Carmilla, while the boys silently hope they will just get laid.

So while Fletch parties is up with Heide, Anke and Trudi, Jimmy hits it off with Lotte. Sparks are flying, beer is pouring, and shirts are coming unbuttoned.... but then the damned lesbian vampires have to go and ruin their good time by surrounding the cottage and converting all the girls except for Lotte. It's at this time we learn Jimmy is the last of the Baron MacLaren's bloodline, and it is the lesbian vampires intention of having him fulfill the curse/prophecy of resurrecting Carmilla.

They can die fast, or they can die slow. But die they must.

Conclusion

Fletch manages to escape and hook up with the local Reverend Vicar who informs Fletch that Jimmy is their only hope of putting an end to the vicious curse crippling Cragwich. The way he is going to do that is with Di-El-Do, the only weapon capable of destroying Carmilla. (The fact that Di-El-Do resembled a dildo was purely coincidental I am sure, but fit into the film rather well. Kudos to the writers! Hmmm.... I wonder what the Reverend Vicar was doing with it all this time??)

Now.... if only Fletch can actually deliver Di-El-Do to our unsung hero Jimmy, who in turn could actually wield its death blow to the evil-vampire-lesbo-witch-bitch-Carmilla then maybe, just maybe, our two boys will finally get laid and the menfolk of Cragwich will finally have the long lost option of being heterosexual if they so choose. Good times, I tell ya! Good times.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is in a nutshell, delicious. The gore and blood effects were awesome even though they were a bit clumsy. I have to ask though, why do all the vampires in this flick bleed milk? Blood would definitely have been more effective but surprisingly the milk factor did not detract much from the movie. There was plenty of blood-filled gore to make up for it (not to mention a few hallucinogenic orgy scenes involving half naked lesbian vampires.)

Surprisingly the milk element actually added to the originality of the movie. It was certainly interesting -albeit somewhat weird- and definitely cheesy, but decidedly original. Probably one of the main reasons I did enjoy this flick as much as I did.

If you have not yet seen this one, I strongly suggest doing so. You won't be sorry.

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Catherine Hardwicke’s Twilight: New Moon

My husband twisted my arm to go see this one a few Saturdays ago. I did not want to go. Not because I did not want to see the movie; I would love to see it once out on video. It's just that the lead, Bella, or more accurately Kristen Stewart, turned me off to wanting to pay to see it in the theater. Read more

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HBO’s True Blood

I love books. Worked in a bookstore for 11 years, so needless to say, I've heard the name Charlaine Harris, and knew she wrote a vampire series.  The problem is that I typically don't like female authors because no matter how gritty their novels can be, there is always an element of romantic love that rings too much like a Barbara Cartland romance novel. Not that I am opposed to romance and love, just not the sappy "he looked at me as though he were looking into my very soul" crap. Plus the main characters name is "Sookie" - I mean really, could it be anymore cheesy than that? And I don't mean good cheese, I mean gawd awful, stinky, limburger cheese.

Now being as I have not read the series, I can't say if the new HBO series True Blood follows the same story line as the books (being as the books are labeled as "southern vampire mysteries" - implying detective type installments - I'd guess not, but it's too soon to say) and I have to admit, the HBO series is starting out really good!

Episode 1: Strange Love

Here we are introduced to the characters of the new show, which all focus around Sookie Stackhouse, played rather adeptly by Anna Paquin. Some of you may recognize her as Rogue of the X-Men series, while others may recognize her as Flora, the daughter in the movie The Piano, which earned her an Oscar. Quite an accomplishment for such a young actor.

We also meet Sookie's brother Jason, who is quite the horn dog, and naked for most of the first episode. In his defense, the women of their small Cajun town in Louisiana are equally loose, and have no problems giving it up. Unfortunately moral-less people end up in pickles and this group is no different.....

Among other characters to note are Sookie's grandmother, who, like Sookie, is intrigued by the vampires; Sookie's boss Sam, who is madly in love with Sookie but does not dare tell her; and Tara, Sookie's bitch of a best friend that I absolutely love! She is crass, and bitter, and 99% bitch - just like me!

So we meet Sookie, a young, very southern waitress with telepathic powers, that is simultaneously naive and wise, and held captive by her ability to read minds. Those who know of her abilities hate that she can read their minds, and those who are not privy to her gift, think her strange; somewhat of a freak. Sookie doesn't care though, as she has gotten quite used to the comments, and unspoken thoughts. She has learned to live with it.

We also learn in episode 1 that the vampires, who have existed under the radar for centuries, have now come "out of the coffin" thanks to the Japanese who invented a tasty synthetic blood named none other than "Tru Blood." This invention means that vampires no longer need to feed on humans, as the synthetic blood sustains them and their hunger. Apparently it has become rather commonplace for vampires to exist in society, and many humans (vampire-bangers) are captivated by them. Unfortunately many humans also loathe them and just want them dead, while others act as "vampire drainers" - humans who drain the blood of a vampire to sell it as if it were heroin. "V-juice" as the vampire blood is called, is known to invoke quite the euphoric high, and unbeknownst to most, has remarkable healing powers.

This is how Sookie meets Bill - the brooding smooth vampire that swaggers in to Merlotte's, the bar Sookie just happens to waitress in. Bill (played by Stephen Moyer, a rather seasoned actor even though I have never heard or seen him in anything) is immediately captivated by Sookie, who seems "different" from all the other humans; Sookie in turn is equally captivated by Bill, as she cannot hear his thoughts, a first for her, and she finally finds peace from the voices in her head while in Bill's presence.

Their chance meeting takes a more personal turn when Sookie saves Bill from two vampire-drainers who subdue him with silver. Who knew silver negatively affected vampires? And for that matter, who knew little Sookie packed such a punch? Unfortunately there are bound to be consequences when a lowly waitress sides with a vampire over her own human kind.....

Episode 2: The First Taste

Remember those vampire-drainers I told you about from episode 1? And how I mentioned consequence? Well, the consequence Sookie faces is basically getting her ass beat to a pulp. But right about the time she is about to get her head bashed in, Bill shows up and kicks some redneck ass. When he is done, he forces Sookie to suck his blood for its healing powers (although I don't recall her protesting too much. The tramp.) Then he licks her clean.

Yeh. I said he licks her clean. And does she "taste different from other humans?" He thinks she does. And that only makes him more intrigued with her.

So beings the romance of Sookie, human, redneck, naive southern waitress who can read minds; and Bill, Civil War soldier turned vampire, seemingly alone and looking to find a place to call home. The only one okay with the potential union is Sookie's grandmother, while everyone else in her life thinks it's a horrible mistake.

Early Conclusion

Time will tell I suppose, and Alan Ball, creator of Six Feet Under, is telling it well with his new HBO series. Each episode ends with a cliff hanger, which I simultaneously love and hate. And so far each episode has offered plenty of sex, nudity, and blood to appease just about all audiences.

I confess I am hooked. And already I am trying to solve certain mysteries. One being the dog that hangs around outside Merlotte's, and seems to look after Sookie. I find it rather ironic that her boss has a painting in his trailer (if you'll recall, I did warn you that this show was a little backwoods and redneck) of a dog keeping watch over a sleeping child. Perhaps Sam is not who (or what) he seems - perhaps he knows something more than he is saying.....

Then there is Tara, Sookie's best friend. Why is she such a bitch? Why do I see so much of myself in her?

I forsee great things for this show and hopefully it won't let me down. So tell me what you think - are you as intrigued with True Blood as I am?

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Near Dark: “We Keep Odd Hours”

Set in the American Southwest with a romantic feel of the western days of yore, Kathryn Bigelow’s yarn of vampire angst is anything but elegant when youthful Caleb (played by Adrian Pasdar) falls for a cute little chippy of the night named Mae.

The only problem is that this cowboy has never met the likes of his new girlfriends “friends” and soon he begins to think that perhaps he has “bitten” off more than he can chew.

Cause & Effect

A gun-toting gang of derelict vampires show up in town and Mae, their young female companion, hooks up with cowboy Caleb. Their attraction to one another seems undeniable and Mae decides to “turn” Caleb rather than kill him.

This doesn’t come without a price, and soon Mae’s companions make it clear to Caleb that he is to live as a vampire (meaning he has to kill his own “food”) or die at their hands.

As test upon test reveal that Caleb does not have the stomach to take the life of an innocent, the vampires ancient leader Jesse (Lance Henriksen) decides they need to put him out of their misery.

Luckily Caleb maneuvers a little extra time for himself by rescuing the hell-raising bunch from certain death in an intense daylight shootout where ray upon ray of vampire burning sunlight threatens the preserving darkness of their motel room....

Oh if only it could end there, but no. Things just keep getting worse and worse for poor Caleb. Now his little sister Sarah manages to place herself smack dab in the middle of the bloodsucking vampires.

Damn!

For her anyway, because Homer, the youngest vampire of the clan, couldn't be happier. It would appear he's rather smitten with Caleb's cute little sis.........

That’s bound to end any alliances made, right?

Result

In an attempt to save his little sister Sarah from the hell of eternal life with Homer, Caleb faces off yet again with the vampires, only this time leaving them and Mae behind for good.

In a weird twist to the vampire lore, Kathryn Bigelow introduces the ability for Caleb to be converted back to human-ism with a blood transfusion from a human. The human in this case being Caleb's father.

Yet again, the saga does not end here as the blood hungry brood set out to kill Caleb since he can identify and expose their existence. While Mae tries to convince Caleb to re-join them and save his own life, Homer sneaks into Caleb's home and kidnaps Sarah, determined to make her his life mate.

In the realization of his sister's impending fate, Caleb sets out to stop the clan once and for all and in an intensely brutal and fiery climax, there can only be one left standing.

YOU will have to tune in to see which one that will be......

Conclusion

Near Dark isn't a horror movie in the sense of gore or fear. It actually feels like more of an atmospheric action movie that keeps you on the edge of your seat half the time, and feeling the romance of forbidden love during the other half. I'm thinking this cult classic would be a great date movie, with elements to satisfy both the male and female viewer.

And while the concept of converting a vampire back to being human via a blood transfusion is extremely far fetched, it has certain appeal and works for this movie. For me it helped retain the romanticism that Bigelow introducing with the sultry west.

Though the plot of Near Dark does not exceed at being great and might even seem weak on occasion, the movie makes up for it in the emotion and believability of the actors. This is one movie that will definitely leave an impression long after the film has stopped rolling.

Recommendation

See it. Yup. Yet again another one that is that simple.

Then come back here and let me know what YOU think. Just don't wait to see the 2008 re-make. It would seem that is one movie that is going to remain on the cutting room floor and you are gonna be waiting a long long time.........

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Bloodsucking Fiends – A Vampires Love Story

I was doing my usual blog hopping as per the alphabetical listing on my blogroll (although I don't visit them alphabetically since I like to "mix it up" most days) and noticed on Ryne's blog over at The Moon is a Dead World that he is compiling a really cool gathering of sorts for those with a certain affinity to vampires, called the "Review A Vampire Movie/Talk About Vampires for An Unstated Length of Time Blog-A-Thon" (Ryne fully admits this is an odd choice for titles but he's sticking to it, and quite frankly, I see no reason to argue the point.)

The gathering isn't so much of a bar-b-q of IRS body parts (post to follow,) but rather a virtual gathering of posts written by us cool folk who have something to say when it comes to vamps. Be it a movie review, a book review, or perhaps just a stated opinion on the subject of blood suckers, it's all about vampires.

Anyway you bite it, it's well worth the visit to both Ryne's blog, and the cool peeps he links to (like me.)

My contribution is a review of one of my favorite books: "Bloodsucking Fiends" written by one of my most favorite authors, the very talented Christopher Moore.

Christopher Moore is mostly known for his absurdist fiction as his work has a nonsensical, comedic twist to it. Additionally his work has a flavor of the bizarre, somewhat freaky, and well..... absurd! Not necessarily in a horrific way, but rather a "what the F***??" kind of way.

Synopsis of "Bloodsucking Fiends"

Jody didn't ask to become a vampire. As a matter of fact, she was rather pissed off to realize she was one after waking up under a dumpster with a wad of cash, a "sun"burned arm, superhuman strength, and an insatiable thirst for blood.

Needing a "human" to do the daily tasks she no longer can, Jody enlists C. Thomas Flood (Tommy to his friends,) a 19-year old beatnik wannabe author from Indiana who works midnights at the local Safeway and specializes in turkey bowling, along with his motley crew of co-workers, The "Animals." He's not quite what Jody had in mind but he fits the bill (plus the sex is a bonus since Tommy is more than willing to appease her kinky appetite and her blood lust.)

Since Jody needs to feed and Tommy can't provide the level of "food" she requires, Jody adopts a sort of "mercy" killing mentality and targets the terminally ill; killing two birds with one stone, if you will.

What really sucks though (no pun intended) is that neither Jody nor Tommy have any idea of what being a vampire involves, and they kind of stumble through it day by day, with Tommy conducting odd experiments on Jody to test her abilities and vulnerabilities (with or without her permission.)

All these events provide quite the amusement for Jody's "sire" as he lurks from afar, strategically placing clues and dead bodies at almost every turn, enticing Jody with the hunt for self discovery and entertainment for his own twisted little games.

Too bad the cops want to charge Tommy with all the dead bodies that keep piling up.....

Summation

If you want an intense drama with not even a smide of humor, read Ann Rice. If you want a rollercoaster ride of romance, sex, murder, and mystery with a comedic twist, then I strongly suggest you try Bloodsucking Fiends. This book will make you laugh in amusement, chew your nails in suspense, fan yourself with heated desire, and cringe ovet the callous killings.

And if at the end of this book you find yourself wanting more (as I did) then you will be happy to know that Christopher Moore came out with a sequel. Of course, I had to wait 11 years for it, but you guys have the advantage of time passed on your side. It's no where near as good as the first, but still definitely worth the read.

Bloodsucking Fiends: A Love Story

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $14.99

Amazon Price: $10.19

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“Go To” Movies…..

Any of you out there have what I call your "go to" movies? You know, movies that you have seen 100 times , can recite the lines word for word, but still watch over and over when nothing else in on? From a comedy standpoint, I love Adam Sandler. His movies are a riot. As well, Empire Records & Valley Girl are staples of my DVD selection. But inevitably, when my husband doesn't get a sayso, I go for the blood and gore and bugs.

One of my favorites that I have yet to get sick of is Wrong Turn. I love Eliza Dushku and think she does great in this film, altho not seeing her be a badass vampire slayer didn't seem quite right initially. She pulls it out though, and I get caught up in the characters fear each time I watch it. The cannibals are very convincing and realistic looking. It never ceases to amaze me how much cinema graphics have improved over the years.

One key feature a movie has to have in order to be in the running for my list of favs is that it needs to rope me in within the first 10-15 minutes and be able to maintain a pace that keeps me from getting bored. This movie does both. Needless to say I was pretty pumped to see they had released Wrong Turn 2 - Dead End (Unrated).
It took a different spin from the first in that it has much more of the typical B-movie criteria: boob shots and gratuitous sex; no name actors;  typical "chase" scenes; and the movie was released straight to DVD. No waiting 6months to a year for the movie release. All the criteria I love.

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