John Dowdle’s 2008 Quarantine: aka [REC]

Quarantine: a strict isolation, usually imposed by the government in order to prevent the spread of something considered dangerous, such as that of disease. The duration of such being typically 40 days, presuming anyone would survive that long....

TV reporter Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) and her ever ready cameraman Scott (Steve Harris) are documenting a night in the life of the Los Angeles Fire Department - as seen from the inside - with the firemen themselves providing the guided tour. As the hours tick away and night settles in, Angela begins to itch for a call, albeit one not life threatening, so she and Scott can find some action to report in the otherwise boring night; something camera worthy.

Luckily they don't wait very long before a routine call comes in summoning them to a downtown apartment building where local cops are already on scene. Screams of torment can be heard coming from one of the tenants apartments though upon investigation, it's unclear exactly why she was screaming. The only signs of disorder is her foaming at the mouth, uncontrollable wheezing, and what appears to be dried blood covering the front of her nightgown and chin. The cops and firemen aren't too concerned with these minor details at first. At least not until the tenant decides to violently attack one of the cops with her teeth. Suddenly everyone is paying attention.

The whole "film documentary" effect seems to be coming somewhat commonplace in Hollywood, even though we saw it back in 1985, with the release of Cannibal Holocaust. The theatrical release of The Blair Witch Project in 1999 revived the concept, almost acting as a catalyst for copycat writers. I for one think The Blair Witch Project was highly overrated, but I seem to be in the minority with that thought. Since that time though, we have had George A Romero's Diary of the Dead, Cloverfield, Welcome to the Jungle, and now Quarantine, the US version of the Spanish release [REC].

Quarantine was filmed rather effectively, providing the viewer a broader range of vision than what has been typical in this genre thus far. I would imagine this is largely due to the "character" in control of the camera being a cameraman by trade. Typically, the "documentarist" is a college kid, using a cam for the very first time, or some guy with glasses that keep getting in the way. The camera shakes, scenes are cropped, and you only see half the drama. Scott, the cameraman in Quarantine, was obviously "skilled" so camera shake or moments of un-focus were not due to inexperience, but rather unexpected and sudden events, resulting in them lasting briefly. I found the documentary effect of this movie to be virtually unnoticeable or annoying until the very end at which point, actually aided the fear factor.

In minutes from the tenant's attack on the police officer, the apartment building is sealed off from the outside world, with power and cell phone service stopped. Not only can the tenants no longer contact the outside world, but the outside world can no longer enter the quarantined zone. No explanation is given; no remedy is provided; and no hope is felt as the tenants begin to realize they have been left for dead. Their only explanation is that the CDC is following government orders and will kill them, rather than letting one of them out of the building.

So what do you do when you are trapped like mice, waiting for the snake to swallow you whole? You look for a way out. Any way out, to avoid suffering death on the inside. Death in a very unpleasant and painful manner. A manner none of them would have dreamed in their worst nightmares, or wished on their worst enemy. Only every way out is anticipated and blocked, and all paths lead back inside. Inside where hell is no longer a state of mind...

Quarantine does a great job of playing up the fear factor and scare tactics, although they lack in originality at times. There is a sufficient amount of bloodshed and gore to keep this film at an R rating, however it is no where near as much bloodshed and gore as has become standard for Hollywood. Did this detract from the movie? For me, not at all. I enjoyed this movie almost as much as the Dawn of the Dead remake. Will others enjoy this movie? Reviews show it will depend largely on whether or not you have actually seen the original [REC] - if you have, most likely this movie will suck, as reviewers claim it pales in comparison. If you have not seen [REC], chances are you will really enjoy this one. I have not seen [REC] and true to theory, I enjoyed Quarantine, and I really need to give credit for that to Jennifer Carpenter for her amazing portrayal of Angela. I felt her excitement at the thought of a real story when the call first came in. I felt her fear when the senseless killings and mass hysteria started. And I not only felt her terror, but believably saw it written on her every moment even after the credits rolled.

I have watched Quarantine 5+ times since its original release, and every time continues to leave me chilled. In my mind, that is the sign of a "keeper" worthy flick. And in my list of favorite zombie flicks, this one is in the top 10.

.......but to be perfectly honest, I can't wait to see [REC]!

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Detour – Hell’s Highway

Lesbo 1 and Lesbo 2 are driving across the desert on their way to some sort of "killer" rave when from out of nowhere a huge gloppy bloody mass splatters their windshield and causes them to mildly "crash" into a tumbleweed. In a feeble attempt to assess the problem, Lesbo 1 exits the car only to notice some sort of a Hellboy lookalike with a dual-hooked contraption strapped to his hand come stumbling along. Lesbo 1 thinks she can intimidate him into leaving them alone by wielding her Club Steering Wheel Lock but instead she is swiftly gashed open repeatedly by Hellboy wannabe's pointy hooks. In her last dying breath she tells her lover to "run" rather than "drive" so Lesbo 2 opts to run rather than drive and you don't have to have much imagination to figure out what happens next.

So beings "Detour" (aka "Cannibal Detour: Hell's Highway" by director Steve Taylor who apparently also directed a gem by the name of "Sludge" which I am sad to say I am somewhat salivating to see. Please don't tell my husband. He might divorce me.)

We then find a group of seven 20-somethings (all more or less no-name actors except for maybe B-queen Tiffany Shepis) driving cross country in a motor home when they decide to take a detour in the desert to score some killer peyote rumored to be in an isolated mine near an old military fort. They stop at a gas station to fuel up and although the owner of the station strongly urges them not to go, Neil, Tara, Harmony, Loopz, Michelle, Lee and Cashie have their own ideas about what a good time is and drive on anyway. In a matter of minutes (about 6 miles or so) they crash into a tree stump while trying to avoid hitting a little girl standing in the middle of their desert oasis. It's all downhill from here as one by one the kids are picked off and picked apart by a group of crazed, doped up sadistic cannibals.

"This place kinda grows on you..... like leprosy."

Fans of Wrong Turn and The Hills Have Eyes will enjoy the brutality of this one, even though you don't actually see faces ripped off or ingested. There is a rather non-titillating sex scene offering minor boobage but its fitting for the flick, and there are some pretty disgusting usages of feces, as well as a sufficient level of gore. Saw fans may not be entertained, but we all know I am not a huge Saw fan, so it makes sense I would like this one. And with the exception of Vanilla Ice rapper wannabe Loopz, the characters seem believable enough, even though they are somewhat challenged in the competent acting department.

I say YES to Detour with 2 hooks up. After all, if I can't have zombies, at least I have flesh eaters, and that is always a plus in my book.

Detour

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $9.98

Amazon Price: $9.98

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The IRS and Monsters That Suck

Taxes.

Anyone out there delay the inevitable besides me? Two extensions are allowed, but unless you want the wrath of the IRS Nazi police knocking down your door, at some point you have to file your damned taxes.

Well I for one don't want those Nazi Police knocking down my door so I filed my taxes, and I realized something in doing so. The IRS are a bunch of life draining sucking monsters. Here's why.

vampires

Vampires are a class of undead who exist by feeding on the blood of the living. Throughout literature and movies,vampires are depicted as a misunderstood race, wanting more than anything else to fit into society and be accepted. Yet they have little to no control over their insatiable urge to drink blood. Human blood. So it's almost like they don't want to be evil; they just are by nature. Plus they can't go out into daylight so it'd be kind of hard to fit in, but I'll save that ramble for another post...

Quite similarly, the IRS have leeches auditors who suck drink you dry of any cash you managed to escape paying in annual taxes. Think you completed your taxes accurately? Guess again. The IRS will prove you wrong. One way or another.

Succubus

For those of you who do not know what a succubus is, please allow me to explain.

A succubus is a demon who, while in the form a hot, sexy woman, will seduce a man for unadulterated sweaty sex. Then, while engaged in wild abandon, the succubus will suck the life right out of the man so that they can continue to exist while the horndog man dies.

Much like the succubus, the IRS lures you into their perverted fetish filled world with promises of tax refunds and stimulus checks, only to snatch them away the second you think you are actually going to get some of your hard earned dollars back. Talk about draining!

Zombies

You can't be a reader of my blog and not know what a zombie is or what they stand saunter for, but no matter how entertaining they are to watch, I don't want to get up close and personal with one. Face it. A zombie, no matter how cute and slow (as in short bus) is going to try to eat your brain. Period.

Now an IRS auditor, though not a member of the short bus, rather the "asswipe" bus, may not try to eat your brain, but they will try to eat your bank account. Plus any future deposits that would under normal circumstances deposit there. I don't why the bastards can't just leave me and my money alone. I mean I don't steal, I don't torture kids or small animals, I sometimes torture my husband but I think he secretly likes it - so whywhywhy does the IRS insist on taking money from me??

Werewolves

Werewolves are humans who have the capability to shape shift into a wolf like animal (creature if you prefer) either due to having been bitten by another werewolf, or due to having had a curse placed on them by some evil no good bitch witch.

Werewolves are rather crafty as when in their human form, you have no idea of their inner beast. Your co-worker could be a werewolf and you have no idea! How sucky would that be? You are at your company's christmas party, it happens to be a full moon - and suddenly your perverted co-worker that you hate is trying to rip your throat out after having morphed into a werebeast right in front of your eyes! I'm thinking that would ruin a really good buzz......

The IRS resembles werewolves because you never know how truly mean they are until they sink their teeth in you by auditing your 1040 or, worse yet, auditing your life! Yeh. Those suits can't hide THAT!

Conclusion

So monsters suck, and the IRS, sadly, resemble those monsters that suck. I wish I could just erase them from my memory, but sadly every year it's more of the same, and they rear their ugly heads all over again....

Sigh...... maybe I should just open a Tiki Hut in Jamaica, mon....

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ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction

In a nutshell, it's safe to say that if zombies are the subject matter, I am drooling. It's also safe to say that based on my affinity for B movies, it does not take much to impress me. Meaning it can be a pretty gawd awful movie and 9 out of 10 times, s'long as zombies are involved, I'm gonna love it. Unfortunately that is not the case with this movie and I can't begin to tell you how disappointed I am that the AfterDark release of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction fit into that 1 out of 10 category.

Allow me to give you the meat and potatoes of ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction:

Port Gamble is a little island town where everything appears to be sunshine and roses. White picket fences line each yard and everyone knows everyone else and waves to all in welcome. On the surface, life in Port Gamble is grand and everyone is happy, yet we see subtle clues alluding the to discontent of the townsfolk, a not so subtle foreshadowing of unpleasant things to come.

We see a blind man stumble upon an undead corpse washed ashore the local beach and before you can say "brainnnnnsss" he is bitten, and peaceful Port Gamble is mobbed by hungry zombies. Don't be fooled however, as these zombies are not where the true horror of ZMD lies. Instead, we learn the real horror lies in the masked bigotry of the townsfolk.

ZMD's main focus is Frida, an American of Iranian descent, and gay couple, Tom and Lance. It seems the townsfolk have kept buried their true feelings of these individuals, and the arrival of zombies has given voice to their prejudices, as well as granting them arrogance to inflict upon them physical torture. The townsfolk felt they could not cleanse their town of zombies until they cleansed their souls of their inner demons (zombies if you will.)

Was there blood in ZMD? Oh Yeh. lots of it actually. Were there humorous moments that made me laugh, albiet briefly? Sure. But was I bored out of my mind with the "message" of "the demon you don't know is sometimes worse than the demon you do know"? You better frickin' believe it. See, I live in the South; the Biblebelt South. And in my antiquated city, prejudice and ignorance is more commonplace than grilling out on game day. If I wanted to see a movie about such things, I'd take a trip into town with my snazzy Canon camcorder rolling, and replay it on my flatscreen tv....

I watch these movies to escape reality, not be reminded of it.

What happened to the good old days of the Evil Dead when a zombie movie was all about flesh eating corpses and really cool boom sticks? Or Planet Terror where there was so much action and bloodshed that no one gave two shits as to whether or not there was a hidden message. Am I being too harsh? Expecting too much?

Probably. And I would imagine if I were to watch it again, on a weekend perhaps, in a different state of mind (and with a bottle of wine in my belly) I would most likely actually enjoy it.... maybe. Once I embrace the "Political Zomedy" aspect of it rather than roll my eyes at it's message....

Ah, who am I kidding? This is one zombie movie that will NOT end up in my vault of keepers.

Zombies of Mass Destruction

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $14.98

Amazon Price: $9.49

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Steven Seagal is Against The Dark

I learned a long time ago that Steven Seagal was used up pretty much after his second film, Hard to Kill. Not that he was good in those first two flicks, but rather that he was sort of good looking, could pull off fight scenes believably, and did not come across as being the arrogant prick he does now. Sure it'd be one thing if his arrogance was justified, but does he seriously think he's that good of an actor that his mere presence in a movie makes it a hit? Hello! Where has this man been for the last 20 years? Did he miss the part where his 30+ films sucked so bad that most either went straight to DVD, or he had such a small role that his presence went unnoticed? (Shock me shock me shock me with that deviant behavior!)

And what the hell is up with Stevieboy's ponytail? Did someone once tell him that "Hey! That's a good look for you" so he decided he'd be buried with the damned thing? Is he afraid if he takes it down all his hair will fall out?

And heaven forbid he have any inflection in his voice or facial expressions. I guess it would detract from his "signature" dark and brooding look that he likes to display in all his roles. Pretty hard to screw up monotone.

Then last (but certainly not least) is of course Seagal's ever expanding waistline. You'd think with all his vast wealth he has earned from all these "hit" films, he'd be able to afford a trainer, but I suppose they would not teach him anything he doesn't already know, and I would imagine they would quit within the first 10 minutes of training.  So instead he wears that same black jacket, movie after movie (or at least they all look the same to me) since as well all know, black is very slimming.... Yet I watch Seagal's movies - many of them, anyway - probably because being a lover of gawd-awful cheesy movies, I know Steven Seagal will deliver. So imagine my elation when I found out he was in a movie that involved none other than vampires. Hell yeh!

2009's Against The Dark is another one of those flicks that start out in medias res where a contageous virus has turned all of the infected into flesh eating vampires. Everything about these vampires scream zombie but because they cannot go out in the daylight we learn they are actually vampires. It's a damned good thing they told me this early on in the movie, too. I needed the clarification 'cuz I was pretty convinced they were zombies.

So within the first 5-10 minutes we see that Seagal plays the role of Tao (ooohhhh, how symbolic) a "hunter" who slices and dices flesh eating vampires with ease as he rushes in to save the human life of a mere lad. Such a hero.

Scene break to six survivors who managed to be trapped inside an abandoned hospital while looking for meds as they search for an exit while simultaneously staying alive. Not so easy as the hospital is filled with the vambies / zompires that are just itching for yet another meal.

I'm not going to bother mentioning any of the other actors in this movie because true to form they are all basically no-name nobodies. I'm also not going to walk you through the chain of events that causes them to die, one by one, until the last remaining few are saved by our symbolic hero Tao. Nor will I go into detail about how the film is darkly shot in an attempts to hide the many flaws of our hero, as well as add to the fear factor of flesh and gore that is so prevalent throughout the film. I would however like to comment on the movie's soundtrack and how humorous I found it to be in the selection of music played to enhance our "amazing" vampire hunter. Hand picked by our star actor himself, I am sure.

Against the Dark did entertain me though, thanks in part to the ample blood and gore. Add that to the fact that nothing else was on tv and I was tired. Plus I was surfing the web while I was watching it. Besides, Seagal's screen time was all of maybe 15 minutes in total spread throughout so if nothing else, that shows promise... right? Almost makes me regret not having watched Lawman yet.

Yeh, rite!

Against the Dark

Overall Rating:

Retail Price: $14.99

Amazon Price: $10.99

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Stephen Bradley’s 2005 Boy Eats Girl

This is one of my favorite zombie horror comedies. British humor at its best!!

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Zombie Myth Busters & Weapons That Kill

This is the 2nd installment in my series of Zombie Survival tactics as learned in Max Brook's book "The Zombie Survival Guide." Read more

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It’s Tanka Time! The Birth of a Zombie

I have two particularly favorite past times, and thought I would combine them for the amusement of everyone myself. It is not something that will be able to be done in one post. And depending on my imagination, it could drag on for months! But it's a challenge I present to myself, and I am rather anxious to see how it will develop.

Two of my favorite pastimes: zombies and poetry. Yup. You heard me right. Poetry. And what I have decided to do is write poetry about a zombie. I do not have this zombie formed in my mind as of yet; I am hoping to develop him/her/it as I go along, and the mood strikes to be captivatingly prolific (this is obviously not one of those moods, but I will have them!)

So - you already know it will be about a zombie. The poem format of choice will be the Tanka. For those of you not familiar with Tankas, it is a Japanese form of poetry that consists of 5 lines. The 1st and 3rd line are 5 syllables each, and the 2nd and last two lines are each 7 syllables. Whether or not the lines rhyme is optional.

My game plan is that eventually all the Tankas will be able to chain together to form a story. The story of my zombie. And here is the first installment. -------------------------->>>

Who is this person
lumbering slowly towards me?
Why does he bite me
and why (oh shit!) does it sting!?!

...I don’t want to die like this...

Why am I so sick?
What was that thing that bit me?

...my body is rotting...

I can’t eat and I can’t sleep.
To this I concede defeat.

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