You Might Be a Zombie…

I've been doing some thinking lately and discovered a few things such as: Read more

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Donald Farmer’s 2006 Dorm of the Dead

You know - I watch some pretty f'ed up movies all in the name of classic B. Throw in a couple zombies and I don't care if it is the equivalent of Z - I'm gonna watch it.

Needless to say I watch a lot of shit movies.

So the one that was today's selection was Donald Farmer's Dorm of the Dead. My husband and I are convinced that we could easily go to Best Buy, purchase a hand held video camera, get a couple (or 5) of my girlfriends to run around in front of the camera topless while chewing on some ketchup packets in an attempt to mimic blood, and come up with a decidedly more impressive zombie movie than this one.

Where do I even start? Dorm of the Dead starts out with the typical gratuitous boob shots (although small boobs; no "falsies" here, so lacking to say the least.) We are introduced to zombies pretty much from the word "action" but they are soooo....... Zombie Walkish. Meaning the zombies look like your neighbor dressed up for Halloween, and NOTHING like real zombies (think Quarantine or even Diary of the Dead.) In other words, the zombies of Dorm of the Dead were not at all convincing or scary.

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Quentin Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds

Some of you might remember me chomping at the bit for the release of "Hell Ride" - a movie that strategically chose its verbiage so one would think it were a Quentin Tarantino film when in actuality, it was nothing more than a lame-ass movie that attempted - unsuccessfully I might add - to pass itself off as a Tarantino original. It was not - and the movie could not have sucked more if it were a black hole endorsed by Dyson himself.

So though I am PUMPED like Arnie on steroids about the upcoming Inglorious Basterds, produced for real by Quentin Tarantino (and due for release on August 21) I can' help but wonder if it's going to measure up.....

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Zombies In America

What if.....??

What if I told you there was no god? Would you believe me? Or would you think I was a heathen who was going to rot in hell for not having faith in the "written word"? The verbal word handed down, subject to interpretation and memory of the transcriber? Would you chastise me for doubting what I could not see or touch?

What if I told you Jesus had taken a wife, and fathered children? Would you call it blasphemy? Even though it has been written, as the bible has been written, and has many believers in it's validity?

If I said all this, would you stop reading this blog post, for fear of possible questions that could arise in the back of your minds..... fearing that should you question him, as we are taught not to do, you would be committing some unspeakable sin?

Now imagine this......

What if I told you zombies exist? Would you consider believing me? Or would you think I was some kook that needed their head examined because there is no way un-dead people are out there wandering around, eating other people and causing their victims un-dead transformation?

What about Haitian or African VooDoo? Middle Ages Folklore? Even Norse mythology had their share of reanimated corpses. Could there be any merit to the theory if so many believe it to be true? Granted these cases do not depict "zombies" as eating human flesh, but they all share the common thread of the dead coming back to "life."

We are taught faith is not based on the tangible, rather it is belief in the intangible. What do you base your faith on?

Flesh Eaters in America

Jeffrey Dahmer. Albert Fish. Two very sick individuals who liked to eat their prey. Cannibalism. More evidence that there are people who actually like the taste of human flesh.

What about Ed Gein? He didn't eat his victims, but he certainly liked decorating with their flesh.

"Food" for thought??

Zombies in America

While there is no concrete evidence to support the validity of the existence of zombies, there is quite an homage to their viability. Annual "zombie walks" held in various cities throughout the world; the "zombie squad" which boasts awareness for disaster preparedness and community service by holding rallys, fund raisers, and even blood drives (you can visit their cause here.)

So what does all this mean?

This page doesn't mean I believe zombies are real, but it also doesn't mean that I don't believe they could actually exist. If I am to believe in the impossible that religion has taught me and not question it's reality, then perhaps......

And why not be prepared for an apocalypse? Russians invaded us in Red Dawn; aliens invaded us in War of the Worlds; spiders invaded us in Eight Legged Freaks..... who am I to say it can't happen??

All I know is I'd rather be safe than sorry..... how 'bout you?

Zombie News Around the World

The Un-Dead Report

Zombie World News

Zombie Preparedness Initiative

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The Origin of the Undead

Hi everyone.

I want to start out by saying thank you for coming back to my blog. I know that I have been neglectful in the last month or so, but with life and death ever present as one gets older, you don't always have the time to dedicate yourself the to the things that you find simple pleasures in.

For me, one of those simple pleasures is found, oddly enough, in this blog. I don't quite understand my fetish for gory movies, or zombies for that matter, but it exists, and this blog is my glorification of that fetish.

So that being said, I would like to get straight to the point of this post. That point being "how does one become a zombie?"

O sure, you are probably spouting the obvious right now, such as "Hey Numbnut - don't let that undead person foaming at the mouth bite you!"

Or  "Yo Dipshit! See that guy over there with his eyeballs hanging out of their socket and uttering gibberish? Don't let him bite you!"

And of course there is the "Hey Assmunch! Pay attention and run from that staggering corpse 'cuz even though he doesn't move so fast, he will "F" you up!"

As stated in previous posts, knowledge is key to survival and when it comes to zombies, there is no such thing as too much knowledge.

You see, I was watching Quarantine again now that it is out on DVD, and I realized that, besides the fact that there are a shitload of stupid people out there, that pretty much none of us are safe. Sure we have precautions against break ins and robberies; car jackers and muggers. But we have no precautions readily available when it comes to being faced with the zombie virus. Like the people in the movie Quarantine. Their guns and axes and brains did not help them.

But then again, they never believed zombies could exist. I guess none of them ever watched a horror movie because if they had, they would have known to shoot the drooling and bloody F'er's in the head on the first shot! And that shot isn't just for zombies, ya know. Shooting any enemy in the head (the brain more specifically) is also a good way to stop psychotic deformed mutants with machetes. No need to wind up being lunch because you felt the need to shoot them in the leg or arm or something equally stupid. Come on people, use your brains for something other than a meal!

So let's take a look at the origin of the zombies, shall we? And since Hollywood loves to exploit how these nuisances come to be, let's focus on the three most popular ways:

The VooDoo Zombie

With origins in Haiti and Africa, it is believed that a voodoo sorcerer (or a bokor) can create two types of zombies with the use of toxic powders being forced into their blood stream:

1. A Living Zombie: this guy poses no real threat on others as they are not contagious and tend not to have a desire to eat human flesh. This "Living Zombie" if you will, is merely a breathing person under the spell of the toxic powders, and can actually be cured. The only problem is that the bokor can control the living zombies to act out their evil commands. Not nice, but not entirely intimidating (think White Zombie with Bela Lugosi.)

2. An Undead Zombie: in this case, the bokor will use black magic to raise the dead. Now these zombies are what you would expect: shambling corpses with intense desire to eat living flesh thereby creating new zombies from those they bite. These are the types of zombies I expect. These are the types of zombies you as living breathing people need to be prepared to annihilate. (Think 1941's King of the Zombies.)

The "Virus" Zombie

There are two main types of this zombie as well. The "man-made" bio-zombie, and the zombie that results from some natural virus. A virus like much like herpes, or rabies, but worse. Worse in that there is nothing, no cream nor pill nor shot, that will help you live a normal life. Once you acquire the zombie virus and experience firsthand the attack of the munchies, you are doomed. History. Finished.

Let's break them down for easy comprehension:

1. Man-made "Bio" Zombies: Typically man made zombies begins with some sort of genetic engineering, usually at the hands of some covert operation under strict and hushed orders of the military or some sort of government agency, that is "enhancing" humans for the sole purpose of creating a superior being that will kick ass when needed, be it for war, or simply some mad scientist with an agenda to take over the world, one town at time.

You will find that this type of man-made zombie is not always portrayed as being a shambling eater of the flesh. Instead, they use their zombie transforming bite to convert the living "enemy" into their undead partner in crime. You will also find there is often a hierarchy of rule with this type of zombie, where there is one "smart" killer calling the shots, such as found in the movie I Am Legend, where the zombies were created from a discovered cure of cancer.

Then of course there are the Zombies that can be the result  of toxic waste (one of my favorites being Troma's Class of Nuke'Em High) and post-Nuclear debris, although unintentional, still the result of man-made "error."

2. Natural Born Zombies: Here we have zombies that are the result of a natural occurrence, rather than something occurring due to man's intervention. Such as rabies, as in Quarantine; or as with the "Solanum" virus in Max Brook's very informative book World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, which began with it's initial outbreak in China, then spread globally. This kind of zombie  freaks me out the most as the reality of their creation is a little more believable. Let's face it, rabies is alive and running rampant in today's world, so to play on it's detrimental effects in society has merit.

These zombies of course, are your more traditional undead, and tend to be sluggish, drooling and rather stupid, flesh eating ghouls.

Alien Zombies

There are several primo examples of alien zombies, but two in particular come to mind: Night of the Creeps, and Slither. I am especially fond of this type as they tend to stem from some sort of alien bug and if you know anything at all about me, it's that I love bug movies. Mix the bugs with zombies and that spells BONUS!

This particular "story" line for a movie is easy to cheese out on however, as you'll find writers do not feel the need to explain much, leaving all questions to the vast realm of the "alien unknown." Plus I am not a big believer in alien annihilation. I do, however, fear a zombie apocalypse looms near, and I am not referring to the Quisling Zombie's Max Brooks writes of either. All those people are just wanna-be zombie's who glorify the condition with Zombie Walks and parades in the same manner as gay pride. Well I have news for these people - being gay is OK - being a zombie would SUCK!

So in conclusion, I would like to remind everyone of the importance of using your brains for something other than a meal. Remember - and say it with me now - knowledge is key, and the one piece of knowledge I want you to take from this post is to aim for their head. I would advise that you practice so as not to miss, though. You will need each and every one of your bullets, regardless of the type of zombie you are fighting for your life with.  And if in doubt, shoot first. Your gut instinct won't let you down. Usually. Just don't say you weren't warned or informed.

See you on the battlefield.

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Trailer Park of Terror

Catchy title, isn't it? You have to admit, it's somewhat intriguing (dare I say enticing?) even if the title implies that it will be filled with nothing more than white trash stereotypes. One thing I knew for sure though, and that was that this movie was right up my alley!

For starters, one of the headliners was Trace Adkins, and when a country singer stars in a movie Read more

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Even Bob Hope Knew….

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Ulli Lommel’s Zombie Nation

Before I get started on this review, I have to say "Boys, never ever wear bikini briefs, or speedos." Of course this also means that g-strings and thongs for guys are strictly verboten! Now I understand that Jockeys, FOTL and Hanes make them, but that does not mean cool guys wear them. Nerds, dorks, "guys" struggling with their own sexuality, guys with overly inflated egos, and just plain ugly guys, wear these type of underwear. Not cool guys who want to get laid. DO NOT fall victim to your sweet side! (You know it's in there, and so do we.) Go commando if you must - just don't wear any of the a fore mentioned excuses for underwear.

So, now that proper underwear etiquette is out of the way, let's move on to the movie review.

Zombie Nation

In Ulli Lommel's Zombie Nation we are introduced to a gaggle of messed up cops, led by a particularly weird screwball by the name of Joe (Gunther Ziegler) who has a pension for falsely arresting women, taking them to a nearby warehouse (his home, of all places) where he inspects them for cleanliness (while taking notes,) lethally injects them with something, then buries their body (five in all) in some nearby woods.

Throughout the movie we are given glimpses into Joe's childhood where we learn that his mother was a sadistic "doctor" who engaged in very unusual and abusive test studies. She included her son in this abuse, inflicting some of her testing on him as well, resulting in his becoming equally twisted.

Sidenote: we also find out about half way through that he likes to engage (attempt to engage?) in sexual activities with the women after they are deceased. Can you say pervert??

Cute Brandon Dean plays Vitalio, seemingly the only good cop on the force who has seen and heard enough. He calls in the big guns for an investigation. Not a good day for the force.

It's about this time however, that we see some voodoo babes using black magic to revive the five victims of Joe. Ironically, they all look as equally good as the day they were taken, with the exception of really mussed hair and some really bad black eye makeup.

The girls/zombies are fully coherent, completely calm, and discuss among themselves how they are to "fit back in" to society. The collective decide they are to be types of "guardian angels" to the ones they love, since they have been declared dead and cannot just re-enter their lives.

Though not before getting revenge on the one man who did this to them.

The revenge scene is a little cookie cutter for my tastes. Too safe, too clean, too weak. It was all very abstract, not really showing gore in the sense that you would expect from a movie made in 2004- especially with the horror market at that time. The ripping flesh looked more like ketchup covered rubber, and there were really no screams of agony. Very anti-climatic in my book.

Scene break to the zombie chicks (Zombie Nation as they refer to themselves) being back with the voodoo makers, discussing what just happened. Voodoo chick 2 asks what they did with the body, and the girls calmly state "why, we ate if of course!" at which point they learn they are to eat "cheeseburgers like everyone else" because when you eat a person, they too will become a zombie.

One final scene break - 6 months later - we see the girls as the snazzy new police force, a hot new police force, with large sunglasses hiding the only trait that might give credence to them being zombies. And off in the distance, where ocean meets beach, we see Joe, emerging from the depths of the ocean, to seek his own zombie revenge.....

Some Holes of Interest

What happened to Joe's mom and all of her test subjects? What the hell was it all about anyway?

How did the voodoo chicks just happen to dig up the girls bodies, and for that matter, how did they even know the bodies were there to be dug up?

The girls ate Joe yet we see him running out of the ocean at the end, flesh and body perfectly intact....

And what of the investigation? All the cops from Joe's reign are gone. Are we to "presume" they have all been fired and replaced by zombie guadian angels who like to refer to themselves as Zombie Nation??

Conclusion

Ulli Lommel's Zombie Nation was not bad, at least not in the sense of bad that I refer to, however it was no where near as good as I would have expected, or hoped for that matter. Even the gratuitous boob shots (if they could qualify) where lame by B standards.

See it if you want, just don't blame it on me.

I give this one 1 1/2 zombie heads

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