1989′s Caged Fury

Has anyone out there under the age of 40 ever been to a drive in? I'm not talking Sonic, where they bring you really yummy Coney dogs with chili and cheese (well, yummy with a few beers) I am talking about the kind of drive in where a movie plays on a giant screen in the middle of a field, and there is a post thingy that has a speaker where you can change the volume to your liking. The only problem I can recall was the bathroom stalls being dirty but luckily I was too young to have anything written about me on them.

I think.....

I mention drive ins because the 1989 B-movie Caged Fury was primo for the part. If you have never heard of Caged Fury, suffice it to say it is a WIP film - women in prison. There was a time in the 70's & 80's when this type of film was so popular that it seemed like a new one popped up every 5 minutes or so (apparently I am not the only one with problems.) A great draw for the drive in theaters as the characters were usually played by mediocre porn stars - soft porn stars versus hardcore porn - so they had no problem flashing boobs for extended periods of time or even offering up a full frontal. Needless to say my husband was a bit surprised (dare I say happy?) when I suggested watching "Caged Fury" - quite a switch from my usual "giant killer bug" choice.

I suppose it probably means that something is psychologically wrong with me because I like women in prison films. I can only imagine what Freud or Jung would say about it, but being as my blog is anything but psychological or even philosophical, let's not dwell on it and just move on, k?

1989's Caged Fury stars a bunch of no name up-comers (who, for the most part, never really came up) but I found it rather interesting to see that one of the main characters was Erik Estrada of Chips fame, and Ron Jeremy of all people. I feel happy to say that I never saw one of Ron's porn films, however I did find him rather entertaining in VH1's Surreal Life.

So anyway, Caged Fury stars Cat, a small town girl who wants her shot at stardom so she sets off for the bright lights and big city. Along the way she hooks up with Rhonda, a hitchhiker who introduces Cat to her photographer boyfriend. Seems he has connections and is able to get both girls an audition with some movie producer. After "auditioning" in a couple rather suggestive scenes, cops bust in and the two girls are arrested for prostitution. The fun begins when they are thrown into the slammer.

I feel the need to interject here for those of you thinking this might be a movie of substance and plot and that you should rush right out and rent it. Stop thinking right now! That is not the case! Movies of this caliber are not intended to be watched for complex story lines or captivating dialogue, but rather gratuitous boob shots and sexually suggestive scenes. Now if that is what you are after then by all means, rush right out there don't wait to finish this review!

Cat soon learns that being in the slammer isn't quite what she expected. We quickly learn that the female warden and various male guards all have sexual fetishes that the women prisoners are obligated to appease. What's even worse is that some of the other female prisoners seem sort of jealous of her. Perhaps they like being subjected sex slavery?

So about this time Cat's sister Tracy decides to go looking for her since she seems to have just "disappeared." She gets the bright idea to retrace her sisters footsteps and soon finds herself locked up in the same sex slave slammer as her naive little sis. Oh, what is a dumb blond from Utah with silicone breasts to do??

Did I mention Eric Estrada was in this movie? Well he and his kickboxing sidekick had hooked up with Cat prior to her incarceration and now feels the need to go hero and try to save her along with her sister. Too bad for them he manages to take a bullet in the shoulder and disappear into an ambulance for most of the movie. Luckily Eric's kickboxing sidekick manages to pick up his slack and attempts to save the day AND the damsels in distress.

Although I have no female tendencies to mention, I must say there is a certain appeal to 1/2 naked females in distress movies. I'm not sure if its because the guys are so insanely goofy hot or if its because the women have these perfectly siliconed breasts that i am extremely envious of. Either way I find myself drawn to the intense cheesy flavor they provide.

So anyway we finally learn that this bogus jail is actually a white slavery ring, and the twisted perverts running the show aren't even real cops! WHOA! No way would I have figured out they weren't real cops all on my own!

But I am giving too much away. If I tell you anymore about Caged Fury, you might not watch it and potentially miss out on the cheesy amazing entertainment it provides and I just can't have that on my conscience. It might interfere with my drinking..... (too bad the bottle is empty.)

So what are you waiting for? Watch it and then tell me what you think!

Share this post!

Quentin Who’s Hellride??

Ever since I saw the preview for Hellride about 6 months ago, I have been itching something fierce to see it. Promising debauchery and old school Grindhouse only Quentin Tarentino can deliver, the bikerploitation release starring director Larry Bishop as the lead role of "Pistolero" and Michael Madsen (one of my favorite "not really big actors in Hollywood but big enough that you recognize his face") as "The Gent", Hellride had me all revved up for an awesome ride!

Nothing sucks worse than anticipation of greatness, and getting shit instead. Not to mention that I have no idea why Quentin Tarentino's name is on the box "presenting" the movie since I cannot find that he had anything at all to do with the film. Talk about false promises.

So Hellride, being ever evasive and never really laying out an easy understanding of the "plot," apparently is about an old mature biker named Pistolero who wants revenge on rival old mature bikers who killed his girlfriend 32 years earlier, in the bicentennial year of 1976. It only makes matters worse when there appears to be a traitor or two among Pistolero's own gang.

The ego of Larry Bishop is more than in your face obvious as the movie is filled with 1/2 naked and completely naked women, all under the age of 25, who immediately want sex with him from the second he walks into a room. Now I may not be the best judge of looks but I assure you, no one I know would even consider having sex with Pistolero unless he had a wad of cash in his hand, and then only if you could take it to the bank first. He looked like he had not had a bath in a month, had not shaved in a year, and probably doesn't use deodorant. But what do I know about Hollywood? Especially when the director, who happens to be the main character, gets to call the shots....

So anyway, Hellride is a series of flashbacks to '76, along with a few well planted double crosses, as Pistolero narrows down who the traitors in his biker gang could be while leaving a bloody path of bad guys that all lead up to the inevitable showdown. The disappointing showdown between bad guy and good guy, both of which are OLD guys, and a few more naked women thrown in for decoration.

It is more than safe to say that Hellride is the director's mid-life crisis that he was fortunate enough to glorify on film. Unfortunately this movie is anything but glorious and I would strongly urge saving yourself the headache of suffering through even a minute of it - Hellride was definitely one HELL ride.

Unless you want to allow me the luxury of saying "I told you so" then have at it!

Share this post!

Some Movies That Started it All

Recently I posted a review about the Italian horror film Suspiria. That review exposed (in a non gratuitous Boob shot kind of way) how my fetish for horror came to be. Some of you asked appallingly who would subject me to such things at such a young age, while others began to better understand why I may seem a little "off kilter."

For starters, my mother is to blame (thanksMom!) being as my father was not one to leave the house except for work and other "necessary" outings and my brothers were usually out doing gawd knows what (I know but I ain't tellin'!)  That left lil' ol' me me as her bodyguard movie buddy. Face it - no one wants to watch a scary movie alone, but we all love being scared (at least in a non life threatening sort of way.) My mom did and I was no different. I loved going to see each and every one of these movies.

(We'll just skip over the part where these movies warped me so bad that I had to sleep completely under the covers - otherwise demons and goblins could see me in my bed.

Or the part where my closet door had to be closed all the way  because those glowing green eyes from that thing in Suspiria were lurking in there......

Or that the black kaleidoscope of colors I would see when I closed my eyes would form goblins of their own, forcing me to open my eyes and stay awake way later than I should have...

Of course this did result in my creativity to craft adventures in my mind where I would always be in singing contests - or at concerts - and there just happened to be some rock and roll star there that I had the hots for. They would become awe struck with me and rocket me towards stardom.....

That was the only way I could keep my eyes closed for any length of time. Well that and the headphones blasting rock music into my ears so I could drown out the sounds of any werebeasts sneaking in my room to get me.....

But that's a whole 'nother story and a side of me that's probably better if I didn't talk about anymore. So let's move on, shall we?)

So I thought I would do a little synopsis of the movies that in addition to Suspiria, started it all for me. Here they are in no particular order:

Rattlers

Rattlers is a movie guaranteed to appease just about any B-movie lover. Needless to say it scared the bejesus out of me and made it so that to this day, I cannot take a bath with my back to the faucet - I have to be facing it. You know, so I can run when I see snakes pop out of it (if you saw the movie, you would understand.)

There is a good review of the movie here.

In a nutshell, this is a movie about a small town that becomes overrun with chemically altered rattlesnakes that go around killing animals, kids, old people - they really are rather indiscriminate which I find refreshing. Definitely worth the watch for fans of reptile movies.

The Car

Wow. Was this one creepy.

First you have a blacked out car that rides around killing people and when it finally becomes cornered, we find that no one is behind the wheel!

Oh, please tell me it's not the devil himself driving the car!

Anyway, James Brolin stars in gem, but don't let his name fool ya about this one. This is still a B-movie all the way, and now that I think about it, probably has something to do with the fact that I refuse to bike ride on the road......

You can read more about it here.

The Beast Within

Ok, so this one was just gross.

Some werebeast thing rapes a chick - I think she was on her honeymoon, but I can't remember - and she ends up pregnant and keeps the kid. Hello! You don't need a brain to figure out that's not smart! But we need the premise and this one is a doozie.

So the kid - the werebeast offspring - is born normal but when he nears 18, he starts to have a "transformation" of sorts and a bunch of stuff happens, people die, and then he sheds his skin during locust season just like a locust does. It was really gross and weird and caused me many nightmares.

You can read a more in depth review of it here.

Tentacles

This B-movie is loaded with above the "B" grade actors: John Houston, Henry Fonda, Shelly Winters. Some of you might even recognize Bo Hopkins.

Much like Jaws and Orca, in Tentacles people seem to just disappear while in the water. What sucks worse is that when their bodies are discovered, we find they are gnawed down to skeletal remains, with the marrow sucked right out of their bones. How could this be? What could do such a thing?

One doctor in particular begins to suspect that their local water world was poisoned when an underground tunnel was being created, resulting in an octopus morphing into gargantuan proportions. Who can save them from all those tentacles?

I can't remember if Tentacles (Tentacoli to be exact)  was good or not ( after all, I was only 9 in 1977 when I saw it on the big screen) but I sure as hell was afraid to go into water that I couldn't see through for years after this one!

You can read more about this classic here.

Bug

Yes, Bug. And the title should tell you why this one stays with me. I mean, how could anyone resist a tagline for a move about mutant cockroaches like the one for this movie:

"They Look Like Rocks & Possess High Intelligence.

They Have No Eyes & Eat Ashes.

They Travel In Your Car Exhaust.

They Make Fire.

They Kill."

Yikes! I find it rather ironic however, that I ended up being a bug-lady at one point in my life. Yes, a bug-lady, as in exterminator.

Hey! I had to get certified for it ya' know. It's not like just anyone can walk in off the streets and start killing bugs with hazardous chemicals. Not legally anyway. Those chemicals they let me play with were badass!

Anyway, I am sure it is every bit as good as I remember. (It's because of this movie I don't have a phone, I can remember that!) AND It actually won an award for Best Special Effects. Granted it may not be from anyone you ever heard of, but it still won.

You can read more about Bug here.

Flesh for Frankenstein (in 3D)

Ironically my dad, the one who hated these kinds of movies, took me to see this because I really wanted to go. Though this movie was released initially in 1973, It came to Augusta in '81 at one of those $2 theaters that don't exist anymore (at least not around here) that loved to screen old movies because they could get them cheaply. My parents were divorced, and taking me to this movie was one of the two times my dad surprised me by doing something cool for me (thanksPop!)

I remember being repulsed by the movie. Not sure if it was the movie though, or the fact that I was there with my dad. I think I need to watch it again as I barely remember it and it is a movie right up my alley (well... except for the incest. That was just gross.)

After all, this movie has blood, gore, nudity, Dr. Frankenstein, and zombies all wrapped up and delivered in a 3-D perspective. Only word I can think of is: SCORE!

Anyway, there is a pretty favorable review of it here. The reviewer kinda rambles on about 3-D and the like which I skipped over 'cuz face it, I am about the gore, camp, and B-factor - not the cinematic effects. But it's a good review and worth the read.

Now you know the rest of the story...

There were oodles more: To The Devil a Daughter; The Last House on the Left; and of course the required Carrie; The Omen; The Shining..... they all affected me in their own way, and made me a little weirder; but they also give me an escape from real life, if just for a short while, and a whole lot of laughs and scares (and there have been so many more since!)

What more could a little girl ask for??

Share this post!

Trailer Park of Terror

Catchy title, isn't it? You have to admit, it's somewhat intriguing (dare I say enticing?) even if the title implies that it will be filled with nothing more than white trash stereotypes. One thing I knew for sure though, and that was that this movie was right up my alley!

For starters, one of the headliners was Trace Adkins, and when a country singer stars in a movie Read more

Share this post!

Dario Argento’s Suspiria

Suspiria is an Italian horror movie released in 1977 about Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper,) an American ballet dancer who enrolls at a famous ballet school in Europe only to discover it is run by a coven of witches. It is classified as being Dario Argento´s finest work, and if memory serves me right, the very first horror movie I ever saw on the big screen. I was 8 years old.

The film opens with Suzy arriving at the school via cab on a very stormy night. As she approaches the front door, she is greeted by a terrified girl who mutters something about a flower, before fleeing into the miserable night. Unable to get anyone to let her into the school, Suzy retires to a nearby hotel, while the fleeing girl runs to a friend's apartment building, in hopes to seek shelter from whatever it is she fears has been following her since her departure from the ballet school.

Ok - so my first question was why did this fleeing girl not get into the cab and have him drive her off somewhere? Why run into a freakin' pitch black thunderstorm? These are questions not meant to be asked in movies such as this, so I cast them aside and continued to wait for what was to come....

This opening segment effectively raises the suspense factor in an almost Hitchcock-type manner, but ends with a dramatic and gory double murder that Hitchcock would never have displayed. Granted the blood was primarily koolaid but considering the age of the movie, I did not judge based on this fact. The murder sequence was very intense, and promised of supernatural things to come. This movie did nothing less than scare the shit out of me when I was 8, and now at ...... 29 and holding...... still sent chills down my spine.

Scene break to Suzy´s first day, where we are introduced to most of the key players. The school is run by Madam Blanc (Joan Bennett) and her sidekick Miss Tanner (Alida Valli), both of which appear mysterious and well, creepy. It is about this time that Suzy suffers a dizzy spell, resulting in her not having an off site apartment as planned, but rather moved into the academy against her wishes. It's for her "best interest" she is assured, at least until she is "better."

Some of the girls are catty, some of the boys are gay, but one of the girls befriends Suzy and tells her stories about strange and unusual happenings within the walls of the school. They begin to investigate nightly, but Suzy, made to eat specially prepared meals to combat her "illness" usually passed out before any real investigations could occur. This meant her friend was off and snooping by herself.

Side Note: One of the first rules of surviving a B movie is never, under any circumstance, wander off alone. Unless you have a death wish, then have at it. I'm guessing Suzy's friend had a death wish. I'm also guessing those nightly special "meals" were a bit drugged.....

The story's suspense builds steadily, providing several scares along the way. The climatic ending is unexpected, and though not gruesome like some of Argento's other creations, definitely leaves you relieved it was merely a movie, and not some insight into a sinister evil lurking in your neighbors backyard.

Suspiria has somewhat of a Gothic air about it, tinged with a hint of LSD, appearing hallucinogenic with dramatic lighting effects and unusual camera angles. I also get the impression Argento was aiming for a type of dark, romantic feel, albeit a twisted one, and delivered just that.

Suspiria is toted as being one of the scariest horror movies of all time, as well as being "beautiful and dream-like." When you take into account the era of which it was came from, I would have to agree. Granted by today's standards this movie may pale in comparison, but it can still scare the hell out of you and leave you with an impression you won't soon forget.

Share this post!

The Beastmaster – “B” at it’s Best

There are certain movies that I can watch repeatedly - to the point where the DVD/VHS needs to be replaced due to extreme signs of usage - and never tire of them. Movies like The Wedding Singer, that is so ridiculous, and 80's and yet speaks to me on so many levels. Movies like Wrong Turn (cannibalism at its finest); Quintin Tarantino's Death Proof (review to follow) or The Faculty, where you have a bunch of freaky high school kids who are just trying to get by end up trying just not to get possessed by aliens. My endless list of these types of movies reinforce the fact that I am what my husband lovingly refers to as "The Uber Dork" (at least I'm hoping its lovingly.) I like to think I help keep lame movie producers in business. My good deed, if you will.

One of my favorites from the '80's is the bubblegum fantasy film "The Beastmaster" directed by none other than Don Coscarelli, the man who gave us Phantasm (another excellent movie.)

Beastmaster is the story of Dar (Marc Singer) - who, as a fetus, was sucked out of his mother's womb by a disgustingly ugly witch, and unceremoniously deposited into the belly of a cow. After his parents were killed at the order of the Evil Priest Maax (since Dar's mom was the queen and all,) Dar was cut from the belly of the cow, branded with some sort of symbol on his poor little palm, and about to be knifed to death by the witch as a type of sacrifice when a farmer happened along and saved his newborn life.

Dar was raised by said farmer as though he were his own son, so when the Jun Horde show up at the order of Evil Priest Maax (Rip Torn) and destroy his village and everything and everyone he has grown to love, Dar sets out for revenge.

What we learn about Dar is that he has a special "power" - he can talk to animals with his mind. He develops a bond with a black tiger whom he "rescues" and refers to as his "strength." He then adopts two ferrets that tried to steal from him, his "cunning," and a hawk, whom he refers to as his "sight" (since he can "see" what the hawk sees.)

It's not long into his mission when Dar stumbles across some half naked women bathing in a river, of which one in particular catches his eye. We learn this woman is Kiri, (Tanya Roberts) a slave girl, and Dar adds rescuing her to his list of things to do.

The Beastmaster certainly has his work cut out for him. To do this alone would be tough, so luckily Dar meets up with Seth (John Amos of Good Times - yes, I said Good Times)and Tal (Joshua Milrad.) Which is about the time things begin to get complicated.

So let's recap just to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. Dar needs to:

• Defeat the Jun Horde
• Kill the evil priest Maax
• Rescue and get a little nookie from Kiri
• Save Kiri's uncle (who is also Tal's dad)  who is being held prisoner by the Evil Priest Maax (did I forget to mention that part?)
• Save the day and attain HERO status thereby being the envy of all men and the desire of all women
• Try not to get killed in the process of items above

Oh and I should probably add "don't get turned into a Death Guard." And before you ask, I will tell you.

A death guard is one who protects - to the death -  the "empire" the Evil Priest Maax robbed, pillaged and slaughtered to obtain. You start by taking a prisoner, adorn him with studded leather collars and spikes, then force a leech like critter to crawl into his ear, where it then travels to his brain and causes instant insanity and inhuman strength. Doesn't that sound like a fun time? Just don't get in his way, cuz' it's gonna hurt if you do. Alot.

Fans of Conan the Barbarian and Krull will love this movie as the campiness and cheese factor is every bit as prevalent. Add some sword and sorcery play, the required B boob shots, some chiseled abs, and you are looking at a really fun time.

It turns out there might even be some incest in this movie, as we learn Dar is related to Kiri, but don't dwell on that part. Focus instead on the intense fight scenes, the insanely cunning ferrets, the well developed story line, and the wonderful B actors that deliver a total B movie delight. You won't "B" disappointed!

Share this post!

The Born Losers

This post isn't about a horror movie but it is about a B-movie. A B-movie featuring Tom Laughlin, the actor who placed Billy Jack on the map.

For those of you not in the know, there is a whole series of films that focuses on a "half-breed-Native-American-Green-Beret Vietnam-War-Veteran” who goes by the name of Billy Jack. (In following movies we learn he is also a hapkido master and gunslinger however it really doesn’t come into play in this one.)

Hello. My name is Petra and I am was a Billy Jack groupie.

This post isn't about the Billy Jack movies that hooked me, though. This post is about the movie that introduced me to Billy Jack, and that movie is The Born Losers, released in 1967.

During the exploitation movie era, there was a genre and SUBgenre for just about every subject imaginable. In the case of The Born Losers, that subgenre was motorcycle gangs and true to form, the gang in this movie is portrayed as unruly, defiant rebels protesting society and everything that is moral. Granted they are not given much of a chance to prove otherwise; but they also do nothing to change the stereotype. Actually, they encourage it.

Not a lot of time is wasted getting to the meat and potatoes of this gang. You see them rebel rousing in the streets and targeting some poor schmoo as the object for contact with their fists. This schmoo they target is pretty stupid in that he didn't back down when these derelict biker boys came pushing him around. Before you know it, Schmoo Boy is getting his ass handed to him orally. Several passerby’s watch yet do nothing as he begs for help and is almost killed.

Luckily Mr. Schmoo stumbles into a deli/cafe where Billy Jack just happens to be having an afternoon coffee or tea, or something. When the owner of the establishment kicks Mr. Schmoo back out to the streets so as to "avoid trouble," Billy Jack feels the need to interfere. He grabs his rifle out of his truck and proceeds to promise bad things to the bikers should they decide to keep harassing Schmoo Boy.

And wouldn't you know that Billy Jack gets busted by the cops while the bikers get off with a warning? Seems almost killing someone is ok, as long as you don't do it while waiving a gun around.

So while Billy Jack is being detained, the bikers are back to running the streets when they notice a sweet young chippy named Vicki Barrington (Elizabeth James, aka co-script writer for The Born Losers,) clad in go-go boots and big 60's sunglasses cruising along on her very own bike. Oh, and did I mention she was wearing a bikini?

Well it seems Vicki is every bit as naive as Mr. Schmoo, and doesn't back down when the bikers being to harass her. After she realizes she bit off more than she can chew, she develops a brain cell and beings to play by the bikers rules in order to self preserve. Unfortunately the result is a drug induced, multiple gang rape that leaves some girls dead, and others wishing they were dead, with Vicki being one of the latter.

The Born Losers plays out a lot like the old westerns, where a lone cowboy takes on a lawless town armed with nothing more than a gun and half a brain. Complete with rifle, cowboy hat and Indian blood running through his veins, Billy Jack appears just that, and manages to position himself as the one man army determined to take out the violent biker gang that always manages to stay an arms length away from a jail cell.

Common themes run through this movie and the following 3 Billy Jack installments: rape of innocent females, Billy Jack's "problem" with authority figures, and a gang of derelicts that Billy Jack takes on virtually unarmed and alone. Unfortunately in The Born Losers, we do not get to sample the karate moves Billy Jack is known for, but we do get to sample his determination and desire to kick thug ass. Sadly, we also get to see his ass beaten more than once, but he proves time and again that the underdog does not always lose, and that his spirit can never be broken.

Billy Jack was the second and biggest money maker in the series. Though filming of it started in 1969, the movie was not completed until 1971, as production was halted when American International Pictures pulling out of the movie. After some bouncing around between Twentieth Century Fox and Warner Brothers, distribution was still lacking, so Tom Laughlin took the movie to the theaters himself in 1971.

Billy Jack died a quick death initially, but a re-release in 1973 brought in surprisingly more than $40 million. Soon Bill Jack had a cult following, due largely in part to the films focus on the plight of Native Americans during the civil rights movement. Additionally, the movie's theme song One Tin Soldier by Coven, remains among the top 100 when the list is adjusted for inflation, and I can certainly see why. It's one of the things I remember most about the movie.

So what about you guys? Any fellow fans out there? Or is Billy Jack the epitome of cheese?

Share this post!

Boy Eats Girl

I have never been a huge fan of foreign films, although when it comes to horror I am a little more open minded, as with Shaun of the Dead, which I liked almost immediately, and Dead Alive, which took a little more time to like (I had to get past the accents.) Not that I am opposed to accents, but rather the sense of humor found in foreign films is not quite on the same plane as mine, meaning either I am too dense to "get it" or it’s too Monty Python (which I can’t stand.)

Probably it's both.

So it turns out that Boy Eats Girl is a little Irish nugget of gold, and my only disappointment is that I did not discover it sooner. This movie wonderfully adds a comedic twist to what is a horrific situation, and I find that combination to be very entertaining. Plus the movies primary focus is zombies and who could ask for more than that??

Boy Eats Girl starts out with heartbroken Nathan (admirably played by some guy named David Leon whom I have never heard of) who, due to an unfortunate chain of events that even Shakespeare would have been pleased with, manages to get himself hung by the short end of a noose he just happened to have hanging in his room. Talk about bad luck (I wonder if we're related?)

As it turns out, Nathan’s mom (who played a big role in his getting hanged, by the way) just happens to work at a church whose library just happens to have a book on Haitian voodoo that she just happened to swipe sometime earlier (the sinner!) that just happens to explain how to bring a person back from the dead! Needless to say she wastes no time in putting this book to good use.

Well to everyone’s mom’s delight, Nathan wakes up the next day appearing normal and ready to face yet another day with his broken heart (because he thinks the girl of his dreams is doing some other guy) and wounded pride for not being a good rugby player. Now if only he could make the sandpaper feeling in his throat go away……

Later that night at a classmates party, Nathan temporarily loses control of his senses and hauls off and bites the school bully, rugby king Samson. Well, maybe bite isn’t the proper verbiage to use. What Nathan actually did was violently rip out a hunk of Samson’s cheek with his teeth! Yikes!

Well in shock and denial of what he had done, Nathan runs off home with his tail between his legs while Samson, now turned zombie, decides to go on an eating spree of all those readily available teenagers, who in turn, waste no time in sharing the infection love with others. In a matter of hours they achieve sheer pandemonium!

Yeh, it was pretty awesome to watch....

Although Boy Eats Girl is not laden with guts and dismemberment, there is a substantial amount of bloodshed that I found sufficient to satisfy my tastes once the movie got under way. Unfortunately however, the writers completely ignored the rules of zombie-ism, and that my friends, is not cool.

For starters, one does not have to be killed in order to become a zombie, one simply has to be infected - either by a bite or fluid exchange; you get the idea. I don't know about you guys, but I want my zombies un-dead... not un-alive!

Secondly these zombies are fast! WTF??? When did fast zombies become a criteria for Hollywood? Movie after movie keeps portraying them as fast... I guess I might as well get used to the idea, but no one said I had to like it!

Thirdly is that the zombies are easily killed. You don't have to deliver a head shot or severing of the spine. Of course head shots and severings help, but you can also sucker punch them, or run them over and be just as effective. It kinda takes the scare factor out of it when you think about it.

But you wanna know something? I could deal with all these zombie screwups. After all, this movie was fun and campy and cheesy, and even if the zombies were a bit unorthodox, they were still zombies. And that was a good thing.

But what wasn't a good thing is the part I haven't told you yet; the part where the zombie state could be reversed. Appalling, I know but it gets even worse. The way to reverse zombie-ism is with a bite from a specific snake, and wouldn't you know it's a snake that Nathan's mom just happened to have penned up at the church! Talk about crazy luck!

While the two main characters did not produce the memorable star crossed lovers that great literature is made of, the supporting cast at least delivers great bubblegum laughs that are definitely note worthy. First you have Nathan's two bumbling loser friends who are too dense to realize they are losers (much like the knuckleheads in Idle Hands) and the school tramp hottie who does whatever it takes to get the man she wants. She's a bitch - and she makes sure you know it.

So... aside from a few weak spots, Boy Eats Girl was really entertaining. You have to take into account that in addition to my fetish for zombies, I love teenage fluff movies and this one seems to be a happy blending of the two. If that is your cup of goo tea, then you will enjoy this one as well. If not.... well.... watch it anyway, cuz zombies rule!

Share this post!