Conan The Barbarian

B-movies love to use hot bodies - big boobs and tight asses. You know, the good stuff to distract you from noticing (or caring) how bad their acting is. Kinda like when Arnold Schwarzenegger was cast in Conan the Barbarian. Who better to play the buff warrior than Mr. Universe himself? Granted it was several years after being crowned the title I(and several years before mayorhood) but it was still the hot, buff champion bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Tarantino’s DeathProof Featurette #1

Death Proof is is one of Quintin Tarantino's other great flicks that does not involve zombies. Unfortunately.

Death Proof is one half of a double feature showcasing Kurt Russell as Stuntman Mike; a used up stuntman with a 100% death proof badass Chevy Nova (death proof for the driver anyway) who seems just a tad off from the norm.

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Dario Argento’s Suspiria

Suspiria is an Italian horror movie released in 1977 about Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper,) an American ballet dancer who enrolls at a famous ballet school in Europe only to discover it is run by a coven of witches. It is classified as being Dario Argento´s finest work, and if memory serves me right, the very first horror movie I ever saw on the big screen. I was 8 years old.

The film opens with Suzy arriving at the school via cab on a very stormy night. As she approaches the front door, she is greeted by a terrified girl who mutters something about a flower, before fleeing into the miserable night. Unable to get anyone to let her into the school, Suzy retires to a nearby hotel, while the fleeing girl runs to a friend's apartment building, in hopes to seek shelter from whatever it is she fears has been following her since her departure from the ballet school.

Ok - so my first question was why did this fleeing girl not get into the cab and have him drive her off somewhere? Why run into a freakin' pitch black thunderstorm? These are questions not meant to be asked in movies such as this, so I cast them aside and continued to wait for what was to come....

This opening segment effectively raises the suspense factor in an almost Hitchcock-type manner, but ends with a dramatic and gory double murder that Hitchcock would never have displayed. Granted the blood was primarily koolaid but considering the age of the movie, I did not judge based on this fact. The murder sequence was very intense, and promised of supernatural things to come. This movie did nothing less than scare the shit out of me when I was 8, and now at ...... 29 and holding...... still sent chills down my spine.

Scene break to Suzy´s first day, where we are introduced to most of the key players. The school is run by Madam Blanc (Joan Bennett) and her sidekick Miss Tanner (Alida Valli), both of which appear mysterious and well, creepy. It is about this time that Suzy suffers a dizzy spell, resulting in her not having an off site apartment as planned, but rather moved into the academy against her wishes. It's for her "best interest" she is assured, at least until she is "better."

Some of the girls are catty, some of the boys are gay, but one of the girls befriends Suzy and tells her stories about strange and unusual happenings within the walls of the school. They begin to investigate nightly, but Suzy, made to eat specially prepared meals to combat her "illness" usually passed out before any real investigations could occur. This meant her friend was off and snooping by herself.

Side Note: One of the first rules of surviving a B movie is never, under any circumstance, wander off alone. Unless you have a death wish, then have at it. I'm guessing Suzy's friend had a death wish. I'm also guessing those nightly special "meals" were a bit drugged.....

The story's suspense builds steadily, providing several scares along the way. The climatic ending is unexpected, and though not gruesome like some of Argento's other creations, definitely leaves you relieved it was merely a movie, and not some insight into a sinister evil lurking in your neighbors backyard.

Suspiria has somewhat of a Gothic air about it, tinged with a hint of LSD, appearing hallucinogenic with dramatic lighting effects and unusual camera angles. I also get the impression Argento was aiming for a type of dark, romantic feel, albeit a twisted one, and delivered just that.

Suspiria is toted as being one of the scariest horror movies of all time, as well as being "beautiful and dream-like." When you take into account the era of which it was came from, I would have to agree. Granted by today's standards this movie may pale in comparison, but it can still scare the hell out of you and leave you with an impression you won't soon forget.

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Martain Child

Martian Child is a romantic drama starring John Cusack (whom I love) as David Gordon, a recently widowed, successful science fiction writer who longs to do something meaningful with his life. What he decides that something is, is to adopt a child.

His sister, played by none other than his real life sister Joan Cusack (whom I also love) is opposed to the idea, being a mother herself, thinking he is taking on more of a task than he realizes. David, not even sure he himself thinks its a good idea, falters, but is eventually won over by the ever allusive Dennis.

Dennis, played by the talented Bobby Coleman, is an abandoned orphan, who has convinced himself he is an alien from Mars. In his mind, he has created an alternate world from which he is here on a mission; a mission to study earth and of all things, the rate at which possessions deteriorate. He takes thousands of pictures, and ultimately steals things (to study of course,) hangs upside down so as to counteract the detrimental effects of earth's weak gravitational pull, wears a "gravity belt" (made of heavy batteries and duct tape so as to prevent himself from floating away), and coats himself in sunscreen since he is "too close to the sun" and fears he will burn up. All these quirks, plus many others, do not scare David, who becomes captivated by Dennis, and sees in the unusual child traits of himself. It is his thinking that they can save each other.

Many critics and viewers alike have trashed this movie, citing that Cusack is lacking in emotion and parental connection with the child. I however felt as though the early detachment was intended, illustrating how both "father" and "son" were too afraid to expose themselves to potential pain as both had been abandoned: David by his wife who died two years previously, and Dennis, who parents had left him for dead.

Yet both tried in their own way to connect, and I saw that ultimately happen - I felt it happen. And to me, that made this a very successful film.

Is this movie without holes? No. As with most movies, there are always holes and questions left unanswered. But I think in some ways, with this movie especially, they are designed to give the viewer reason to believe in the underlying message without tangible evidence the message exists. I know that sounds a little indulgent on my part, but if you see the movie with an open mind, you might find yourself to be a bit indulgent as well.

This movie is definitely a chick flick, and me, being a chick, think its definitely worth watching - to hell with what the critics say.

Critics are just a bunch of stuffy old men anyway.

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HBO’s True Blood

I love books. Worked in a bookstore for 11 years, so needless to say, I've heard the name Charlaine Harris, and knew she wrote a vampire series.  The problem is that I typically don't like female authors because no matter how gritty their novels can be, there is always an element of romantic love that rings too much like a Barbara Cartland romance novel. Not that I am opposed to romance and love, just not the sappy "he looked at me as though he were looking into my very soul" crap. Plus the main characters name is "Sookie" - I mean really, could it be anymore cheesy than that? And I don't mean good cheese, I mean gawd awful, stinky, limburger cheese.

Now being as I have not read the series, I can't say if the new HBO series True Blood follows the same story line as the books (being as the books are labeled as "southern vampire mysteries" - implying detective type installments - I'd guess not, but it's too soon to say) and I have to admit, the HBO series is starting out really good!

Episode 1: Strange Love

Here we are introduced to the characters of the new show, which all focus around Sookie Stackhouse, played rather adeptly by Anna Paquin. Some of you may recognize her as Rogue of the X-Men series, while others may recognize her as Flora, the daughter in the movie The Piano, which earned her an Oscar. Quite an accomplishment for such a young actor.

We also meet Sookie's brother Jason, who is quite the horn dog, and naked for most of the first episode. In his defense, the women of their small Cajun town in Louisiana are equally loose, and have no problems giving it up. Unfortunately moral-less people end up in pickles and this group is no different.....

Among other characters to note are Sookie's grandmother, who, like Sookie, is intrigued by the vampires; Sookie's boss Sam, who is madly in love with Sookie but does not dare tell her; and Tara, Sookie's bitch of a best friend that I absolutely love! She is crass, and bitter, and 99% bitch - just like me!

So we meet Sookie, a young, very southern waitress with telepathic powers, that is simultaneously naive and wise, and held captive by her ability to read minds. Those who know of her abilities hate that she can read their minds, and those who are not privy to her gift, think her strange; somewhat of a freak. Sookie doesn't care though, as she has gotten quite used to the comments, and unspoken thoughts. She has learned to live with it.

We also learn in episode 1 that the vampires, who have existed under the radar for centuries, have now come "out of the coffin" thanks to the Japanese who invented a tasty synthetic blood named none other than "Tru Blood." This invention means that vampires no longer need to feed on humans, as the synthetic blood sustains them and their hunger. Apparently it has become rather commonplace for vampires to exist in society, and many humans (vampire-bangers) are captivated by them. Unfortunately many humans also loathe them and just want them dead, while others act as "vampire drainers" - humans who drain the blood of a vampire to sell it as if it were heroin. "V-juice" as the vampire blood is called, is known to invoke quite the euphoric high, and unbeknownst to most, has remarkable healing powers.

This is how Sookie meets Bill - the brooding smooth vampire that swaggers in to Merlotte's, the bar Sookie just happens to waitress in. Bill (played by Stephen Moyer, a rather seasoned actor even though I have never heard or seen him in anything) is immediately captivated by Sookie, who seems "different" from all the other humans; Sookie in turn is equally captivated by Bill, as she cannot hear his thoughts, a first for her, and she finally finds peace from the voices in her head while in Bill's presence.

Their chance meeting takes a more personal turn when Sookie saves Bill from two vampire-drainers who subdue him with silver. Who knew silver negatively affected vampires? And for that matter, who knew little Sookie packed such a punch? Unfortunately there are bound to be consequences when a lowly waitress sides with a vampire over her own human kind.....

Episode 2: The First Taste

Remember those vampire-drainers I told you about from episode 1? And how I mentioned consequence? Well, the consequence Sookie faces is basically getting her ass beat to a pulp. But right about the time she is about to get her head bashed in, Bill shows up and kicks some redneck ass. When he is done, he forces Sookie to suck his blood for its healing powers (although I don't recall her protesting too much. The tramp.) Then he licks her clean.

Yeh. I said he licks her clean. And does she "taste different from other humans?" He thinks she does. And that only makes him more intrigued with her.

So beings the romance of Sookie, human, redneck, naive southern waitress who can read minds; and Bill, Civil War soldier turned vampire, seemingly alone and looking to find a place to call home. The only one okay with the potential union is Sookie's grandmother, while everyone else in her life thinks it's a horrible mistake.

Early Conclusion

Time will tell I suppose, and Alan Ball, creator of Six Feet Under, is telling it well with his new HBO series. Each episode ends with a cliff hanger, which I simultaneously love and hate. And so far each episode has offered plenty of sex, nudity, and blood to appease just about all audiences.

I confess I am hooked. And already I am trying to solve certain mysteries. One being the dog that hangs around outside Merlotte's, and seems to look after Sookie. I find it rather ironic that her boss has a painting in his trailer (if you'll recall, I did warn you that this show was a little backwoods and redneck) of a dog keeping watch over a sleeping child. Perhaps Sam is not who (or what) he seems - perhaps he knows something more than he is saying.....

Then there is Tara, Sookie's best friend. Why is she such a bitch? Why do I see so much of myself in her?

I forsee great things for this show and hopefully it won't let me down. So tell me what you think - are you as intrigued with True Blood as I am?

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C.H.U.D

B-movies. Who doesn’t love them? With their D-list actors delivering solid B characters, and a cheese factor that would make any wine lover drool…. Who cares if the story line is unrealistic and downright ridiculous? I for one don’t; I enjoy the hell out of it!

C.H.U.D., a wonderful lil' gem considered a cult classic from 1984, starts out just almost like every other horror movie of the 70’s and 80’s, offering up a victim within the first five minutes. Here we see a woman walking her puppy through the desolate alleys of Manhattan, New York get pulled into a manhole by some unseen foe and whisked away to the city's underbelly below. And just as quickly as the attack happens, it’s over and the streets are once again seemingly deserted.

The key players we meet are:

• George Cooper (played by the not so unknown John Heard) a fashion photographer who ironically won an award for a photojournalism piece he wrote on the “Mole People” of New York, homeless people that reside in the city’s underground recesses. It seems the chick in the opening abduction was his wife, and now he is investigating her disappearance, as well as others.

• “The Reverend” aka A. J. Sheppard (Daniel Stern) a somewhat hippy-fied fellow who mans a soup kitchen out of his quickly deteriorating row house, where he feeds the Mole People on a regular basis.

• Murphy (J. C. Quinn) a freelance reporter that is starting to suspect “something strange is happening under our city streets.”

Individually these characters are kind of lame. Put them together however and they sort of feed off of each other (for lack of better verbiage) resulting in a pretty entertaining flick. Plus they become “smarter” (and I use that term loosely.)

Now see if you can follow along 'cuz it gets a little "complex" even for a B movie:
Cooper gets called down to the station by a Mole person, to bail her out for trying to steal a gun. It seems she wanted this gun for her brother Victor, who apparently needs the gun for protection against some "Ugly Fuckers." Wanting to talk to Victor about this, Cooper accompanies the sister to her underground paradise, only to find Victor definitely did need protection from the "Ugly Fuckers" when he was shown that a massive chunk of Victor's leg had been gnawed off by those same "ugly fuckers!" Being the professional photographer he was, Cooper wasted no time in taking a series of rather graphic impressive stills as evidence!

So for various reasons I won't divulge, Sheppard steals borrows these photos from Cooper's place and uses them, along with some other damning evidence he found underground, as leverage at a meeting he has arranged with the chief of the NYPD, the commissioner of NYPD, and another fellow by the name of Mr. Wilson from the NRC (the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.) It is at this meeting that he learns of a scandal where the NRC had tried to dispose of toxic waste by transporting it though Manhattan's sewer and subway tunnels. Unfortunately they were shut down by the city halfway through the process, which resulted in the underground being a giant dumping spot for this radioactive filth!

Well needless to say, the chief, the commissioner, and Wilson vehemently deny that this tonnage of filth has anything at all to do with the disappearances of so many homeless, and balk at the concept of the "ugly fuckers." In a snowball chain of events however, we learn of “C.H.U.D.” - a Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller, and the cops have just found one!! (Translation: C.H.U.D.'s are bums who have been severely mutated by the toxic filth and the cops just found a dead one! Ugh.)

Now you might be wondering what a C.H.U.D. looks like, and I'd have to tell you - pretty "fucking ugly!" Up close they look like Freddy Kruger would if he were oozing in between all those exposed tendons and veins. Plus they have these really creepy glowing eyes, and they bleed green gelatinous blood. Yuck! But from a distance, they look like some guy in a pretty lame Halloween costume. It's really rather sad how up close the graphics are pretty damned good but from far away, they are so laughable.

So anyway, with the underground running out of food for the C.H.U.D.'s, they begin to hunt above ground. This is a great scene because here we have a very young John Goodman and equally young Jay Thomas playing roles as goofy cops in a diner that end up being the meal instead of getting a meal.

The movie climaxes with a team from the NRC and a couple flame throwing cops, setting out to put a stop to the C.H.U.D.'s once and for all, but they prove to be rather ineffective. What will they do? Can the city be saved from the increasingly multiplying and carnivorous C.H.U.D's? Well... you are just gonna have to watch it to find out.

In true tradition of a classic B-movie, this one is really... well.... stupid. but admitted a classic in the B genre, therefore expected. The relatively no name actors perform remarkably well however, and even though you might find yourself occasionally shaking your head in utter disbelief (versus sheer disbelief) these moments are core criteria for B-films, and you would not be left with the same impression without them.

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The Dark Knight

The hype has been building for weeks now and I too was caught up in the frenzy. Everywhere you turn there are ads and slogans - trailers and interviews - all promising great things for The Dark Night. Opening night? Yeh, we were there.

Let's just say I was a little disappointed....

The opening weekend gross was $155M and I am wondering if it will maintain the acclaim its received thus far. I can't imagine I was the only one let down; the only one expecting more substance from the characters other than The Joker. The only one expecting more action, a tougher Batman; not some soft spoken woos who can't kill a bad guy. And is it just me, or did the way he disguised his voice while wearing the suit bother anyone else?? It was like nails on a chalkboard, only worse. I don't remember this annoyance from the first movie. Perhaps its been too long between films, or perhaps it wasn't as annoying the first go 'round. Or perhaps the first movies plot was fast enough and Batman was tough enough, that I overlooked it.

The Dark Knight "Pros"

Heath Ledger. I am not quite sure if it was his portrayal of the Joker, or if it was merely the development of the character of the Joker - either way, the Joker made the movie. Heath Ledger, made the movie by delivering a phenomenal job of a menacing and fantastic Joker. Without him, without the Joker, the movie would have been the biggest waste of 2 1/2 hours spent in a theater so far this year.

Two-Face's burns. Make-up did exceptionally well in showing a half burned face with exposed eyeball, teeth, and jaw bone. Take it from someone who watches graphic movies on a daily basis - It looked very convincing.

Christian Bale. So far he is my favorite of the Batman portrayer's. The most convincing. Although after this movie, he is teetering on losing that honor.

The action scenes, and any scene involving The Joker. Two of my favorites are 1. The Joker does a magic trick by making a pencil "disappear" into a guys head, and 2. Batman breaks some bad guys legs. The crunch sound was classic!

The Dark Knight "Cons"

Batman seems to take a back seat to the other characters. There really wasn't any development of his part, except to show his arrogance. I was not impressed. And don't get me started again on his Batman voice! Arrgghh!

Too many smaller plots making up the "bigger picture." It was easy to get lost in all the attempts to develop the many involved characters, yet none (aside from the Joker) stood out from the crowd.

Maggie Gyllenhaal. Though she really did do an awesome job of playing Rachel this time around, (Katie must have been busy making babies with weird hubby Tom) I found it annoying that she seemed to always be smiling! I'm sure it's just her mannerisms or quirkiness, but I found it to be rather distracting.

Periods of "lull." With a movie of this magnitude, this much hype, I would have expected 2 1/2 hours of a non-stop roller coaster ride. I would have at least expected more meat by way of substance. I got neither.

Conclusion

I would like to clarify that I did not not like this movie. I was just expecting more. And the result of not getting it is someone who would have rather waited for the DVD.

How 'bout you? Have you seen it?

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Dead Alive aka Brain Dead

Typically I am not a fan of movies that provide gore just for the sake of shock effect. Usually in these cases the gore is lamely executed or the story line is exceptionally weak. It's also in these cases that I find myself annoyed or disgusted, all too aware that the movie is trying to make up for an extremely poor plot by providing mass quantities of blood and innards and gore (think Cabin Fever.)

I was a little worried when I first popped Dead Alive (aka Braindead) into the DVD player. I just kept telling myself "Zombies! There are zombies in this movie so it has to be good." Now I know you are thinking.... "Huh? Just 'cuz a movie has zombies does not mean its going to be good." Well, you could be right, but all zombie movies deserve an open minded chance, and this one was no different.

Cause & Effect

It would seem that a bite from a Sumatran rat-monkey can cause people to die slow, horrible deaths. As well, these same bites can cause these same now dead people to re-animate and go on a killing spree.

That's what happened to Lionel's mom at the zoo. A damned rat-monkey bit her while she was spying on her adult son having what was most likely his first date ever with a girl named Paquita (the dumb bitty had to go and flaunt her goodies to Lionel and try to take her son from her. Not a chance in hell she is going to let that happen!)

Soon Lionel's mom is literally falling apart (at one point, her ear fell off into her porridge and she ends up eating it) and no one can determine what is wrong. No one that is, until she dies and tries to eat the nurse that pronounced her dead. Then Lionel determines what is wrong with her, but can't seem to stop her from turning a handful of other people into flesh eating zombies, even though he was keeping her locked in the basement for the most part....

Result

Lionel breaks up with Paquita in an attempts to save her from certain fate, and to keep his zombie mom and her clan a secret. After all, Lionel is allowing the zombies to stay at his place, where he picks up after them, makes them supper, and finds ways for them to be entertained without going out for fresh "meat." But one night when Lionel isn't looking, two of the zombies have a little fling and the result is the fastest conception and birth known to man! Or perhaps I should say "known to zombie."

A BABY! That's right. A little zombie baby that "popped" right out after about 5 minutes of baking. And talk about ugly! WHOA! Reason #1 for birth control!

A particularly funny scene is when Lionel tries to maintain some sort of normalcy and decides to take the "baby" to the park in a stroller. Who cares that he has to use barbed wire to keep the baby in the stroller (so it won't eat anyone of course) Lionel still tries to look normal and fit in. Unfortunately things get out of hand, baby escapes, and the cheesy, corny, gawd awful meyhem that ensues is absolutely hysterical! This scene alone is one reason of many to watch this movie for sure!

Conclusion

So Lionel's uncle finds out about the dead bodies in the basement (not realizing they are really zombies because Lionel has taken to giving them tranquilizers to knock 'em out on a regular basis) and threatens to go to the cops unless Lionel forks over some of his poor dead mother's sizable estate. Lionel tells him he can have it all, and plans on skipping town. Unfortunately his uncle shows up before Lionel can leave, bringing in tow a large amount of his loser buddies for a party, and has Lionel serve as their personal wait-wench.

What happens next is sheer genius, ranking alongside The Evil Dead, which as you all know, I absolutely loved!

First Paquita happens by, sees the "party" and gets very upset for Lionel apparently not being heartbroken over their "break."

Then an enlightened Paquita and Lionel thought they had found a way to kill, for good this time, the zombies in the basement, but what they ended up doing was giving them animal stimulants resulting in the party goers upstairs being fresh meat treats for the energetic zombies!

Before long Lionel is ass over bandbox in zombies and finds the only weapon he can effectively use: a lawnmower. Sooner than you can say "Dude!" it's every zombie for themselves as body parts meet blades in a blood curdling climax!

But wait! It doesn't end there! Becuase in the midst of zombie carnage, Lionel's mother never showed, and he can't leave her "undead" else she might try to recreate what he worked so diligently to destroy. Now if only he could find out where she was lurking.....

The REAL Conclusion

So mom has apparently morphed into some gigantic ugly mutant thing with saggy boobs, and thunder thighs. I don't think I'd admit to being related myself, but poor Lionel always was a momma's boy. That is until he saw her as a pus oozing zombie monster. Not to mention he found out some rather unfavorable information about her in a locked chest, but you'll have to watch the movie to find out what that was.

So anyway, after seeing his mom in a new "light" Lionel puts and ends to his past, and opens the door to his zombie free future with Paquita.....

.... oh hell..... was that the little zombie-baby-bastard running off into the woods....???? Better tune in to find out!

Recommendation

I must confess, I was leary going into this. Cult followings do not always mean I am going to like a movie, especially when it starts out with British accents (think "Train Spotting" - can you say gagggg??)

But this one delivers. With a decapitated zombie having a lawn gnome stuffed down his neck (gotta have a head, ya know) to Lionel's mom being overstuffed with embalming fluid so she literally explodes in a gory goo (but still survives as an undead, of course); to zombie sex and love in the afternoon. This movie has it all. From a journey of personal growth and self discovery (Lionel's battle with the umbilical cord) to selfless love when least expected (Paquita's love for Lionel. I mean really - I don't know if I could risk my life fighting zombies for my husband!); to comedy and suspense, and gore, and blood. Did I mention the blood?? There is even the standard boob shot! Granted it's old and misshapen and slightly ridiculous, but it's in there!

Should you see this movie? Oh yeh. I would actually suggest you purchase it as it is most definitely a keeper for anyone who considers themselves a horror fan. Go on! What are you waiting for??!!!

Interesting Movie Facts

• Braindead has been recorded as the bloodiest film ever, literally! About 600 gallons of fake blood was used during the production.

• This movie is actually known by two names. In the UK it is named "Braindead", in the US it is named "Dead-Alive".

• Director Peter Jackson makes a cameo appearance as the Mortuary Director's Assistant when Lionel's mom is being filled with embalming fluid. Whilst the fluid gushes out of Mum, Jackson grabs the sandwich he left beside the corpse and takes a bite. Oh, and did I mention its covered in embalming fluid??

• The movie rental release in Sweden came with supplemental vomit bags (can't imagine why!)

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