Quentin Who’s Hellride??

Ever since I saw the preview for Hellride about 6 months ago, I have been itching something fierce to see it. Promising debauchery and old school Grindhouse only Quentin Tarentino can deliver, the bikerploitation release starring director Larry Bishop as the lead role of "Pistolero" and Michael Madsen (one of my favorite "not really big actors in Hollywood but big enough that you recognize his face") as "The Gent", Hellride had me all revved up for an awesome ride!

Nothing sucks worse than anticipation of greatness, and getting shit instead. Not to mention that I have no idea why Quentin Tarentino's name is on the box "presenting" the movie since I cannot find that he had anything at all to do with the film. Talk about false promises.

So Hellride, being ever evasive and never really laying out an easy understanding of the "plot," apparently is about an old mature biker named Pistolero who wants revenge on rival old mature bikers who killed his girlfriend 32 years earlier, in the bicentennial year of 1976. It only makes matters worse when there appears to be a traitor or two among Pistolero's own gang.

The ego of Larry Bishop is more than in your face obvious as the movie is filled with 1/2 naked and completely naked women, all under the age of 25, who immediately want sex with him from the second he walks into a room. Now I may not be the best judge of looks but I assure you, no one I know would even consider having sex with Pistolero unless he had a wad of cash in his hand, and then only if you could take it to the bank first. He looked like he had not had a bath in a month, had not shaved in a year, and probably doesn't use deodorant. But what do I know about Hollywood? Especially when the director, who happens to be the main character, gets to call the shots....

So anyway, Hellride is a series of flashbacks to '76, along with a few well planted double crosses, as Pistolero narrows down who the traitors in his biker gang could be while leaving a bloody path of bad guys that all lead up to the inevitable showdown. The disappointing showdown between bad guy and good guy, both of which are OLD guys, and a few more naked women thrown in for decoration.

It is more than safe to say that Hellride is the director's mid-life crisis that he was fortunate enough to glorify on film. Unfortunately this movie is anything but glorious and I would strongly urge saving yourself the headache of suffering through even a minute of it - Hellride was definitely one HELL ride.

Unless you want to allow me the luxury of saying "I told you so" then have at it!

Share this post!

My Bloody Valentine 3D – A Review

Perhaps cinema has reached a plateau hard pressed to surpass, but what you have to admire about cinema is that it never stops trying.

When My Bloody Valentine 3D teased me with its trailer, I was salivating for blood and guts spewing off of the big screen. Sadly to say, I did not get what I had hoped for but I did get 101 minutes of bloody entertainment.

One thing to note however is that if you set out to make a movie in 3D featuring a masked serial killer sporting a pick ax, you might want to make sure you have the die hard horror fans hooked with projectile body parts and incredible 3D cinematography. Oh sure, the fair weather fan of the genre will be screaming occasionally while ducking from a stray piece of jawbone or randomly bobbing their heads in a comical attempt to avoid a sharp object two, but the die hard horror fan (people like me) might feel somewhat slighted. Oh there is blood - there has to be plenty of blood by today's standards - but I was left wanting a little more.

Some of you might recognize My Bloody Valentine as being a remake of the 1981 horror gem in which Harry Warden, a local miner, goes nuts and starts offing his co-workers with a pick ax. And when his killing spree is over, and Harry is pronounced dead, only one miner remains standing.

Or so the town thinks.

A year later with thoughts of illicit sex and multiple kegs of alcohol, a group of kids decide it's a smart idea to have a party in the very mine where Harry Warden went berserk. Needless to say the idea turned out to be not so smart when a "revived" Harry Warden, donning miner suit and mask, shows up unexpectedly and goes on yet another blood quest, killing a multitude of teenagers in prime exploitation slasher glory. It was so beautifully awful that one couldn't help but love every minute of it!

Flash forward another 10 years, and we find the town in upheaval as the owner of the mine has passed and his son Tom (played by Jensen Ackles of Supernatural) deciding it would be best to sell the mine to "outsiders." Being as Tom was the only surviving miner of Harry's first killing spree, and one of the few surviving teenagers of the 2nd killing spree, he wants no ties to their little corner of the world by hanging on to the cursed mine.

The plot is typical for this genre, introducing us to alluring girl-next-door Sarah (Jaime King), the former love of Tom's life, and her hot tempered cheating husband Axel (Kerr Smith), Tom's former rival and now town sheriff, which ultimately presents a love triangle between the three. Pair this with the random murders happening yet again, and you have a plot that keeps you guessing until the end as to who the bad guy really is.

My Bloody Valentine 3D offers more than it's share in B movie criteria. Among them is a scene that occurs outside a motel. Young Irene (Betsy Rue), one of the party survivors, is having a bit of a spat with her truck driving "boyfriend" for filming their tryst in the hotel room. She chases him out to his rig in the nude, and ends up fleeing (also in the nude) from a killer donning a miner's mask and toting a pick ax. Hmmm... that seems familiar....

What happens next is murder after murder, all at the hands of an unseen foe decked out in miner suit and pick ax. Needless to say the murderer always manages to disappear seconds after his heinous crimes, and leaves no traces in his wake. Reality would dictate this being somewhat impossible, but we don't watch these movies for their believability factor. We watch them to be scared, and while us die hard horror fanatics may have been only mildly, I think the suspense factor and added B movie effects helped make up for it.

Standard for B movies, there is an air of campiness around this one (one of the things I love about the genre) that helps in keeping it entertaining. What I also loved about this movie is that it actually kept me guessing until the end who the actual killer was. Not usually an easy task.

As with most slasher films of the 70's and 80's - OK, as with most all slasher films - you won't find any really great acting in this movie (as evidenced by the casting of Tom Atkins who was rather perfect for the role) but do we really need it? As long as there are some gratuitous boob shots, ample blood spillage, occasional shock effects and the actors are really cute, what else do we need? This genre of movie simply works if the carnage startles you and makes you laugh all at the same time.

For me, My Bloody Valentine 3D did that. But the 3D side of things? Definitely overrated. Only once or twice did I feel like something was shooting out of the screen at me. And boy do those damned 3D glasses hurt! My nose was dented for almost 3 hours after the movie was over. And it's not like you can take them off or else the movie is all fuzzy. Very weird, and a feature I feel is very overrated.)

Sidebar: I also hear they are remaking The House on Sorority Row. Being as that is the ONLY horror movie I ever walked out of, I am curious to see how well they deliver it......

Share this post!

2006: Edward Gorsuch’s “The Butcher”

Six college kids decide to take a graduation trip to Vegas in daddy's Escalade. Two of the kids are lesbians, swapping spit in the back seat. Another kid is in a wedding dress, because hey - its Vegas and she wants to shine! The driver, daddy's boy, is the epitome of frat boy gone bad with poofy hair, spoiled rich kid attitude, and two Polo's with upturned collars (not one mind you, two.)

The movie starts with a typical "B" series of events - detour off the main road; deformed guy in decrepit truck; bloody girl running into the path of Escalade; 2 by 4's with barbed wire; that sort of thing. These B events cause the group to sever one of the lesbos at the waist, and break their back axle by driving their front end into a tree. (Go figure.)

So Atlanta - the still alive lesbian - wants to stay with the truck and cradle her entrails exposed dead girlfriend. The others leave her and head off for "help." (Guess none of these guys ever watched horror movies.)

Nightfall sets in about the same time the group stumble upon a dilapidated house with boarded up doors and windows. We learn frat boy at least has seen a horror movie or two as he makes mention of bad things happening to people who enter strange houses. They have bloody girl along with them and she starts to freak out when she sees the house, resulting in some type of seizure and passes out. It's at this time they realize bloody girl's tongue has been cut out. Frat boy decides no way in hell is he going into the house, but the others scamper for the front door, just like all dumb B actors do. (Guess we wouldn't have a movie otherwise.) Once inside the house the bloody girl wakes up, slices her hand with broken glass, and writes one word on the wall in blood: HELL.

Ok - so it's about this time I am thinking it's pretty clear cut that these now living people should vacate the premises ASAP if they want to stay living, and I'm also thinking that with a "bloody hell" literally written on the wall, the kids would realize this... right? Surely this B-movie couldn't top the charts by having these college kids go exploring the house..... right?

Well, let's just say if this was a smart B-movie, chances are I would have missed it. Let's also just say this movie topped the charts with stupid B-moves.

So bloody girl sits it out while the remaining trio go house exploring only to find disgusting things that cause them to flee the house in terror. Unfortunately bloody girl has disappeared so they are forced to leave her behind. Now if only they can figure out where frat boy has taken off to....

So frat boy, knowing better than to venture into the house, apparently slept through the rest of the one horror movie he saw because he figured it would be smart to explore the barn! Yeh! That's the ticket! And due to a series of more typical B-moves, he ends up sliced, diced, and tenderized by the sharp end of a chainsaw.

His buddies heard the screams. They saw the blood. But did they take the truck parked (probably with the keys still in the ignition) in the yard? No. Did they run off into the dark night, using the lack of light as a protective shield? No. I don't have to tell you what they did. You know what they did.

They went back into the house.

This movie definitely scores low in the quality B-movie ranks. In it's defense, the blood spillage is plentiful and creative, and not altogether unbelievable. The cheesiness, and campiness is full scale B, with ridiculous dialog and really bad acting to drive it home. If camp is what you want, camp is definitely what you will get with The Butcher, in threefold.

Now on the flip side of this coin you have predictability, familiarity, and repetition. Because in the unfortunate wide world of B movies, you have a small range of B-move criteria. And this movie delivers that criteria like no other. Well, that is not entirely true. It could be argued that some of the key factors are ripoffs of other B-movies, but hey? Aren't they all a ripoff in some form or another? And since when did a B-movie ever need to make sense, or answer questions brought on by all the inconsistencies and out of place elements?

So the next time you are in for some really bad acting, cute chicks that will not offer up the required boob shot, and an overabundance of B-movie cliches, this movie definitely wins hands down. I, for one, enjoyed it. Maybe you will, too.

Share this post!

Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses

There are two things I learned while watching Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses: 1. If you wanna see a boob shot of Marilyn Monroe, watch this movie (and don't tell me it's a fake photo!! No one would EVER Photoshop Marilyn!) and 2. Don't ever trust some guy in clown paint.

Rob Zombie, founder and front man for the metal band White Zombie, made his directorial debut with the horror movie House of 1000 Corpses. It's the story of four kids, Jerry and Denise, and couple Bill and Mary, who, while on their way to visit Denise's father, happen upon "Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters & Madmen" -a combination gas station and Carnival type Side Show that showcases the history of former serial killers.

Jerry could not be more excited as ironically, he is writing a book on roadside attractions. He falls into hog heaven when he learns that Captain Spaulding (played by the talented Sid Haig) has the inside scoop on Dr. Satan, a mad scientist who was obsessed with creating a new breed of humans - super humans if you will - through bizarre and grotesque surgeries performed on human subjects. Live human subjects (needless to say he failed.)

Jerry begs his friends to visit the nearby legendary Deadwood Tree, the execution site of Dr. Satan, and although Denise wants to skip visiting the tree and head straight to her father's house as planned, she is out voted, so together the foursome set out to visit Deadwood Tree.

(Probably not the smartest decision they made on their trip, but unfortunately, not the stupidest either.The stupidest decision they make is while on their way to Deadwood Tree: they pickup a hitchhiker named Baby Firefly.)

Soon the tire of their car is shot out by an unidentified man, but luckily it's not far from Baby's house. Baby (played by none other than Rob Zombie's real life bride Sheri Moon) invites them over until their car can be repaired. (Typical for B movies, the spare tire concept was apparently lost on the foursome and not factored into their travel plans. Dumb kids.)

That's when the fun really begins.

It seems the Firefly's are a family of torturous and demented freaks who like to unmercifully violate their victims. We learn they already have in their possession five missing cheerleaders, whom they have taken great pleasure in beating and abusing. We also learn that the Firefly's enjoy an occasional meal of human flesh. Too bad our foursome isn't informed of this tidbit of information before dinner.

What happens next is a sick carnival ride of blood, gore, and shock effects that only Rob Zombie could deliver (and if you watched his vision version of Halloween, you'd understand.)

I do not believe that Rob Zombie was going for a cohesive story line with this movie. Instead, I think he was aiming towards glorifying the horror classics that influenced his pension for such things, such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Evil Dead, and Last House on the Left and ff you are paying enough attention to the details of this movie, you will catch images and references to those very films. A homage of sorts.

Zombie's vision glorifies the exploitation genre, providing enough bloodshed, gore, and slasher type shock effect to satisfy just about every caliber of horror fan. That is as long as you have an open enough mind for the suspension of belief, and are not a stickler for details. But isn't that the case with most horror movies? Isn't that why we enjoy them so much? The "unbelievable" factor? At least it is the reason for me....

Although the majority of the "crimes" committed in this film have been witnessed on film before, Rob Zombie's slant is refreshing and creative, and I can only imagine what the unedited and unrated directors cut (if ever released on video) will offer. I'm guessing a whole lot more blood and guts than even I could handle, with plot and substance of course, remaining optional.

The movie wraps up with a climatic chain reaction of Denise's dad calling in the cops to go looking for her, and all of them ending up dead in a graphic manner at the Firefly's hovel. Although this is not typically the type of horror movie I add to my drawer of keepers (as his version of Halloween has) I must say that while I did not thoroughly enjoy the movie, I enjoyed it enough to say that I think it's worth watching.

....don't you?

Share this post!

Dario Argento’s Suspiria

Suspiria is an Italian horror movie released in 1977 about Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper,) an American ballet dancer who enrolls at a famous ballet school in Europe only to discover it is run by a coven of witches. It is classified as being Dario Argento´s finest work, and if memory serves me right, the very first horror movie I ever saw on the big screen. I was 8 years old.

The film opens with Suzy arriving at the school via cab on a very stormy night. As she approaches the front door, she is greeted by a terrified girl who mutters something about a flower, before fleeing into the miserable night. Unable to get anyone to let her into the school, Suzy retires to a nearby hotel, while the fleeing girl runs to a friend's apartment building, in hopes to seek shelter from whatever it is she fears has been following her since her departure from the ballet school.

Ok - so my first question was why did this fleeing girl not get into the cab and have him drive her off somewhere? Why run into a freakin' pitch black thunderstorm? These are questions not meant to be asked in movies such as this, so I cast them aside and continued to wait for what was to come....

This opening segment effectively raises the suspense factor in an almost Hitchcock-type manner, but ends with a dramatic and gory double murder that Hitchcock would never have displayed. Granted the blood was primarily koolaid but considering the age of the movie, I did not judge based on this fact. The murder sequence was very intense, and promised of supernatural things to come. This movie did nothing less than scare the shit out of me when I was 8, and now at ...... 29 and holding...... still sent chills down my spine.

Scene break to Suzy´s first day, where we are introduced to most of the key players. The school is run by Madam Blanc (Joan Bennett) and her sidekick Miss Tanner (Alida Valli), both of which appear mysterious and well, creepy. It is about this time that Suzy suffers a dizzy spell, resulting in her not having an off site apartment as planned, but rather moved into the academy against her wishes. It's for her "best interest" she is assured, at least until she is "better."

Some of the girls are catty, some of the boys are gay, but one of the girls befriends Suzy and tells her stories about strange and unusual happenings within the walls of the school. They begin to investigate nightly, but Suzy, made to eat specially prepared meals to combat her "illness" usually passed out before any real investigations could occur. This meant her friend was off and snooping by herself.

Side Note: One of the first rules of surviving a B movie is never, under any circumstance, wander off alone. Unless you have a death wish, then have at it. I'm guessing Suzy's friend had a death wish. I'm also guessing those nightly special "meals" were a bit drugged.....

The story's suspense builds steadily, providing several scares along the way. The climatic ending is unexpected, and though not gruesome like some of Argento's other creations, definitely leaves you relieved it was merely a movie, and not some insight into a sinister evil lurking in your neighbors backyard.

Suspiria has somewhat of a Gothic air about it, tinged with a hint of LSD, appearing hallucinogenic with dramatic lighting effects and unusual camera angles. I also get the impression Argento was aiming for a type of dark, romantic feel, albeit a twisted one, and delivered just that.

Suspiria is toted as being one of the scariest horror movies of all time, as well as being "beautiful and dream-like." When you take into account the era of which it was came from, I would have to agree. Granted by today's standards this movie may pale in comparison, but it can still scare the hell out of you and leave you with an impression you won't soon forget.

Share this post!

Clive Barker’s Midnight Meat Train

Ok, so with a name like "Midnight Meat Train" it's probably safe to assume there is going to be meat, though probably not the kind you would want to eat unless you are of the same sick and twisted caliber such as Ed Gein, or Jeffrey Dahmer.

Oh, and there will probably be blood on the Midnight Meat Train. Lots and lots of blood.

In Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train, Leon (Bradley Cooper) is an struggling "city life" photographer who gets a career break when his girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb) pulls some strings and hooks him up with the renowned "art gallerist" Susan Hoff (played by none other than Brooke Shields.) Susan sees potential in Leon, and states that she will consider showcasing his work when he can bring her pictures of the "real" city. She also recommends that when Leon finds it, not to be afraid and run; rather face it, and take the picture.

Leon's first "photo shoot" starts out with a potential rape victim in the subway. Leon happens along a couple of thugs harassing a young woman, all the while silently taking photos of the attack. When the victim notices Leon from the corner of her eye, he interrupts the attack and manages to prevent things from getting messy for himself and the female target.

Upon developing the photos of the attack, Leon finds one in particular that turned out exceptionally expressive. At the urgings of his girlfriend, Leon shows the picture to Susan Hoff. She was "wowed."  So much so that if Leon can come up with two more shots, equally gritty, he can have a spot in her next showing.

"Take the picture." That was Susan's advise for capturing the darkness of the city. Too bad Leon didn't have the foresight to see that those three little words would cause such a downward spiral of his life and sanity.....

When the subway girl in the "almost attack," a famous model, ends up missing, Leon goes to the police with the photos of the attack he interrupted, citing his suspicions that the attackers in his photographs did not flee, rather doubled back after he was gone. The police aren't too concerned with him or his theories however, and suggest he should not bother to come back unless he has something more concrete to work with than theories......

Take the picture. That's all Leon needs to do. So he puts aside caution, and begins his nightly quest to find the perfect shot, the one (ones?) with more substance than theory, more darkness than light, more feeling than thought. Only Leon ends up finding more than he bargained for.

Way more.

What Leon finds is Mahogany (Vinnie Jones) a butcher by trade, who randomly "butchers" passengers taking late night rides on the subway. Of course Leon doesn't know this when he first discovers Mahogany exiting the subway in the wee hours of the morning, yet in his growing obsession with discovering the darker side of the city, Leon finds himself stalking Mahogany, night after night, looking, and waiting, for something to happen...

The subway. What is so fascinating about the subway? Leon itches to know as he photographs Mahogany repeatedly entering and leaving it's dark recesses, until soon suspicions fester, and Leon begins to piece together the photos he takes of Mahogany along with news clippings of missing people. Could Mahogany somehow be responsible? Could he be the serial killer the newspaper's have been writing about??

Well you can't have a horror movie with people making smart decisions, and this one promises to be no different. Instead of Leon cutting his losses and forgetting about the potential misdeeds taking place in the subway, he decides to change things up by actually entering the subway, and taking a late night ride on the same train as Mahogany.

It was one of the worst mistakes Leon would ever make.

With the direction of Japanese filmmaker Ryuhei Kitamura, Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train offers more than it's fair share of bloodshed, guts, and flying body parts. The shock effects were cleverly delivered, the graphics convincingly real, and I am happy to say I saw no traces of Koolaid or creamed corn in the presentation of entrails and gore. I am however, sorry to say that I actually found myself looking between my fingers on more than one occasion, apparently losing my ability to watch someone's head become violently severed at the eyeballs. Thankfully I can still listen to it just fine, and I can assure you that the screams of Mahogany's bludgeoned victims will send chills up and down your spine.

Surprisingly (and I can't believe I am saying this) I don't want to give the ending away to Clive Barker's Midnight Meat Train as it will take you by surprise (unless of course, you have already read the book) but I would like to point out that it involves reptilian/alien type carnivores and an underground network of "partners in crime." I mention this because like most books made into movies, much is lost in the translation, and things (such as the reptilian/alien type carnivores) just don't add up. The underground network doesn't even add up although it does help to tidy things into a neat little bow. Typically convenient.

What does translate well onto film however, is the stoic demeanor of the ever silent Mahogany as he performs his nightly ritual, almost as though it were his duty. At one moment we see him so hellbent on murderous precision and delivering just that without a drop of remorse, yet the next minute, but only for a second, you see a softer side, one with apparent repulsion and possible regret. I actually found myself feeling sorry for Mahogany, but it was only for a fleeting moment, as that of his softer side.

Gruesome and chilling, Midnight Meat Train is definitely not for the faint of heart, but conversely, it may not be quite brutal enough for hardcore horror fans who relish the Saws of the world. Is it worth watching? Most definitely. Is it a keeper? Probably not. But the meat cleaver will remain in your memory banks long after the movie is over.

"Now serve, as we all do, without question......"

Share this post!

Hostel Part 2

I was hesitant to watch the first Hostel, thinking it may be too much like SAW which I had a real problem with. Too real. Too gross. Too twisted. I prefer my horror to be more unrealistic and less believable, so I can sleep at night. I can handle any possible nightmares of zombies and vampires and werewolves. I cannot handle nightmares of sociopaths wanting to sell my innards on the black market.

Or to kill me for the sheer joy of it. That would suck.

I did watch Hostel however and actually kind of "enjoyed" it. Correction: I did not regret watching it. The setting is a slovic country and whereas I might be 1/4 Checz, I do not foresee myself vacationing there. Especially after having watched Hostel.

So why did I watch Hostel 2? Well, because even though the first one was a bit intense, it wasn't over the top, and as I said before, I kind of "enjoyed" it.

HOLY SHIT, what was I thinking!

Ok - so Hostel 2 starts out innocently enough, in the same vein as the first, with some girls (instead of guys) taking a hiatus from life, and lured to to the same Hostel location as the first movie. However Part 2 takes everything that was even remotely vile in the first, and multiplies it tenfold (from my perspective at least. Some reviewers say they feel this one was rather tame compared to the first. I think they feel that way because they are guys and ticked that the sex factor was not as prevalent in this installment. The pervs.)

Good gawd I must have looked away from the TV screen at least 8 times! My husband kept making snide remarks about my twisted personality for watching movies of this caliber, but did he look away? No sirree! So who is more twisted? He who watches in sick fascination or ME those of us who look away because they are too normal to handle such horrors!? Of course I did pick this movie, so I guess there is some merit to what he says.....

Anyway, Hostel 2 outlines the premise of these movies a little better than the first one did. In the first Hostel I was left wondering about the killers and their tattoos, and how it came to pass that tourists were being kidnapped just to be tortured and killed. Maybe I slept through that part of the movie, I can't say. All I know is that it had holes.

In Hostel 2 however, it is made painfully obvious what these sickos were doing. They were bidding on the tourists. Bidding so that they could win the tourist, then main, torture and kill their prize however their sick sadistic perverted whacked out deformed brain saw fit.

(One of the bidders saw fit to shackle their prize/victim to a table, carve them up like a Thanksgiving Day turkey, then proceeded to eat the flesh raw while his victim watched in agonizing pain and horror. Talk about a nightmare!)

So where does the tattoos fit in? Well, apparently they are a type of brand - much like a gang has "colors" - joining the bidders to the "family." But if for any reason they don't kill their "prize" they not only don't get a tattoo, they don't become part of the family either. Instead, they suffer a fate worse than any they could imagine enacting on a tourist.....

Here in Hostel 2, we have three college chicks hook up with Axelle, the overly hot daughter of the twisted bastard who has created this kill empire which has laid victim to so many young, sex starved, drunken tourists (well, I presume she is his daughter. Perhaps she is just really into old guys. To each their own, I guess.)

So these 3 girls, completely enamored with sultry Axelle,  allow themselves to be lured to Slovakia with promises of an exotic spa, rest and relaxation, and maybe some men, booze and sex...

It always amazes me how the lure of sex and drugs and booze always make these young targets so stupid. Stupid as in throwing all caution to the wind and trusting just anyone. It kind of makes you think that maybe they get what they deserve. Don't they read the papers for Pete's sake?

So anyway, the first girl to bite the bullet is Lorna, played rather adeptly by Heather Matarazzo, who I had not seen on film since Scream 3. In Hostel 2, she plays a straight-laced geek, who has zero interest in the booze and drugs that is freely offered in the fun little world of Slovakia. It's just too bad she is interested in some guy paying attention to her.

The result is her getting hung - nude - upside down, so some sick female can slice her open with a sickle, thereby allowing poor tortured Lorna's blood to poor all over this sicko's naked body amidst candlelight and marble... it kind of gives a whole new meaning to "bloodbath" and while some may have found this scene rather sexual, I for one did not.

Eeeewwww....

Meanwhile, the two remaining girls, Beth and Whitney, are wondering what happened to their naive friend when she doesn't return. At a local gathering Axelle convinces the girls not to worry, so a now relaxing Beth ends up chatting and sharing a drink with a fellow by the name of Stuart who, unbeknownst to her, is the winning bidder of her nubile flesh..... (damn. Why are the nice guys always such freaks?)

(Admittedly this movie is a little predictable but aren't most horror films? Understandably, there has to be a presence of "B-moves" that permeate all movies of this genre or else they lose much of their credibility and enjoyability (I think I just made that word up. I like it! .)

Later, in the spa's heated pool, Beth dozes off (notice-->in the pool) and wakens (still -->in the pool!) sometime later to find herself alone and her belongings stolen. I found this part odd that she would just fall asleep in a pool of all places, with so many people around, then waken to everyone and everything gone. This is one of the few scenes of the movie that seemed a bit weak to me - most definitely a B-move; lame and making little to no sense. But as stated above, I expected it (and excused it) with this type of movie.

So after waking, Beth sets out in search of her friends, but instead of finding them, notices two thug-like men approaching her. In fear, she scales the spa walls and runs aimlessly into the nearby woods, where she is rudely greeted by the "Bubblegum Gang" - those little misfit kids from the first movie that exhibit traits every bit as vile as the death bidders. Luckily she is rescued by Axelle and her "dad" before those little imps could inflict any damaging blows!

Shortly after being "rescued" a chain of events alerts Beth that Axelle and her clan are not as innocent as she once thought and that they are in fact the reason for her friend's disappearances. She realizes this too late however, and finds herself captive at the murderous hands of none other than Stuart, the man she had drinks with just the night before.

I don't want to give away too much of the final 1/2 hour of this movie, as it is definitely the best part, but suffice it to say that it will surprise you, scare you, humor you, and utterly gross you out! (Sorry - that was a bit 80's but nothing else sounded quite right.) I can honestly say that the last 1/2 hour is definitely not for the squeamish! Offering canine carnage, detached dismemberment, and payback served up without a plate.... this movie will leave you with more than a mere impression.

Hostel 2, while not as visual with sexual acts as the first, does offer up the required boob shots, and sexual innuendos. Bear in mind this one takes the female slant (versus the male slant as with the first movie) so there may be some bias in the girls favor, however the blood and guts are definitely not girly and guaranteed to satisfy even the pickiest horror buff.

I won't promise you will enjoy the movie, but I can promise you will enjoy the gore!

Share this post!

Sleepaway Camp a.k.a Comatose Petra

Ok. So you can probably tell by the title of my post that this review is not going to be very favorable of the movie. I tried to maintain an open mind. I really did. After all, this movie has some weird unexplainable cult following that spawned 2 sequels. Surely there has to be something worthwhile of the movie, right?

WRONG!

I'll try to make this quick. I hear it's less painful when you just RIP the bandage off the wound versus pulling it ever so slowly.......

Cause & Effect

Angela and her cousin Ricky are sent to Sleepaway Camp, a summer camp for kids. Ricky feels the need to protect Angela as she is not quite right in the head. Apparently she witnessed her father and brother get killed in a freak boating accident a few years before.

So anyway, weird Angela gets picked on pretty regularly by the kids at camp resulting in Ricky getting into more than one fight as he tries to stick up for her.

Result

Soon, people begin to die. Ironically, it's people who seemed to have recently picked on Angela.

One counselor begins to suspect it's Ricky and attempts to stop him from his murderous spree. The only problem is that it's not Ricky who is doing the killing.

Conclusion

As more and more people are discovered dead, a path of bodies lead us to the killer who we find is not Ricky but rather his cousin Angela.

PSYCH! Only its not Angela! As it turns out, Angela is not really Angela, but rather she is none other than her brother Peter. The real Angela had died in the boating accident with her father all those years ago, and Peter was forced to assume her identity afterward because deranged Aunt Martha "always wanted a daughter" and began treating and dressing Peter as a girl, as if he were Angela.

Well hell!!

My thoughts on this Awful Film

As all of you know, I love cheese in movies. Usually, the cheesier the better - but when it reeks even I concede, and regret that this is 88 minutes of my life I can never get back.

The movie starts out strong enough, as we see "Angela's" pop get run over by a speed boat. Granted we don't see blood or decapitation (which really sucked) and there are barely any skid marks left on the body, but considering the B factor of this movie, I was ok with this.

The first murder was kinda cool, involving a vat of boiling water, but very unrealistic in that we see it was a kid that initiated the killing. S'ok though. I realize at this point that this movie is really a Z film and yet again, I am ok with this.

So - moving on to murder number two (or maybe it was the 3rd and I'm getting confused with the order of deaths. They were all so pitiful it really doesn't matter actually.)

The next murder takes place in an overturned boat. A kid shows up under the capsized boat (it is made known pretty quick that the killer is a kid) and proceeds to push down the head of the other kid already under the boat, so as to drown him. The only struggle that ensues is one hand waving gaily above the water.)

Huh? No struggle? He was that much of a wuss that this little kid can push him under water and drown him just like that??? HHmmm......Ok. We'll let that one slide. Let's move on to the next killing.

So next we have some guy taking a dump in a stall. Sorry to put it so bluntly but this movie has that effect. So anyway as he is in there taking care of business, you see the killer slide a broom stick through the door handles so it can't be easily pushed opened. Then we see the killer cut the screen of the window that leads into the bathroom stall and promptly insert a bees nest through the hole.

Well I don't have to tell you what happens next: said guy on toilet beings to get stung repeatedly. Now bear (bare?) in mind we do not see the attack, simply the door to the stall wiggling because he is too much of a panty-waste to break the broom handle blocking the door. AS WELL - and this is the best part - he does not have enough sense to crawl under the HUGE opening under the stall to get out of it! AS WELL - the bees of course, don't fly anywhere but onto his face and soon we see him lying on the ground with his head covered in bees and some puss like sores on his face.

Surely you can now understand why I say this movie was such a waste of time and energy. There were some more killings but they too were equally lame and lacking in bloodshed or suspense. I won't bore you with anymore details.

Recommendation

Do NOT waste you time with this one as I did. Trust me. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you.

Share this post!