My Top Horror Movie Pet Peeves…..
Have you ever noticed how horror movies have a certain "code of conduct" that is repeated in practically every movie you see? From as early as Psycho and before, to the movies of today, the vein of protocol has been constant. I feel pretty confident that somewhere in Hollywood is a secret director's guide that outlines key criteria with a separate category for each genre yet intermingled for creativity - and anyone who deviates from the written word will be ejected from the directors chair.
So, setting aside that I expect this from these movies and would probably be disappointed if they did not deliver accordingly, I have complied a small list of "pet peeves" I have acquired over the years in watching endless hours of these A, B, C and even Z-grade classics.
Here are the things about these movies - movies that on certain days when I haven't had enough coffee, or when the bimbo at the drive through window screws up my order yet again - really tick me off:
The "victim" runs upstairs to get away from the villain. Now why on earth would you run upstairs to escape from the bad guy?? There is a reason they say "what goes up must come down" and usually in these movies you come down on your head and splatter your brains all over the pavement. And in some cases, you find yourself being impaled on a wrought iron spiked fence that just happens to be innocently placed outside the window that you jump/fall/get pushed out of, and suddenly you find your chest cavity filled with blood and steel, and you end up deader than a doornail. (Man, would that ruin your whole day!)- The virgin always ends up having sex after she discovered about 3 or 4 of her buddies decapitated in the basement freezer. HELLOOOOO!!! Everybody who has ever seen a cheesy B slasher film knows that as a virgin you are all but guaranteed to live when everyone around you doesn't so knowing that, why in hell would you decide that now is the time to have sex? Do blood and guts really turn you on????
- Someone always feels the need to backtrack to a dead body they left behind because the dead guy "had the car keys, or the cell phone (that turns out to have a dead battery or no signal), or even the last rubber..... um, call me dumb but isn't that usually where the bad guy also is?? Dismembering or eating the dead guy? How nuts do you have to be? Am I the only one who thinks that would be a really bad idea??? Distance yourself from the enemy! Don't knock on his front door! Geeezzz.......
- Inevitably someone feels the need to investigate sounds or strange lights - and it's usually by themselves. This of course sets the stage for dismemberment, decapitation, disembowelment, or some other equally gross, bloody death, but let's think about this, shall we? 5 of us go into an abandoned "whatever," 3 of us are already dead, I'm with person #4..... yeh! That's the ticket! That light/noise/shadow must be someone who can save us!!
- 9 times out of 10, the requisite boob shot happens in the bathroom. Either the chick is washing all the blood off herself, or going "potty," or just wanting to refresh her mascara that the bad guy caused to run, guaranteed their shirt is coming off and they are going to die a bloody death. It's mandatory.
So there you have it. Some of my top horror movies pet peeves. I could go on about how the actors are always drinking from an empty glass, or how their hair is always perfectly coiffed, but I want to hear from you guys. Have you got any I missed???
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Why is it that it’s the GIRL who always trips and lands on her face. Then, instead of immediately getting up and running like hell, she lays there with one hand rrrereeeeeaaaaaaaccccchhhhhhhhing out to the guy, screaming her head off. He always goes back. Doofus.
If there is some horrible thing running after you why the hell would you ever take your eyeballs off the ground in front of you. Put your head down, watch for pitfalls and RUN you morons, RUN!
If you hit a weird shadowy figure on the road that seems to have a claw for a hand with your car, drive a mile away and use a cell phone or On Star to summon assistance. Do not stop, get out of your car, and start looking for the squished person with an itty bitty flashlight with weak batteries.
Karen – you bring up some valid points that I completely overlooked. Thanks for pointing them out. I hate these movies paint the bimbo, I mean female, as the ditz. Granted she may be a ditz, but most ditz’s I know have enough sense to do exactly what you suggest, and thats RUN! At least I think they would run……….
a.) Why do the people in the movie always have to investigate what all the killing is about? Knowing that killer was molested by his Uncle isn’t going to help you right now. I definately wouldn’t care. If I drop my wallet, I’m kicking it home. Let Columbo investigate. I’ll read all about it once I’ve reached safety.
b.) How come these people get the knife, or pitchfork, or cleaver, or whatever and they always think one blow to the killer’s gonna do it? “That’ll show him.” They’ll even put the weapon down right after and have moved on to checking their MySpace or doing laundry.
Haha I don’t really have any suggestions about peeves on horror movies, but your opening paragraph, mainly the line “I feel pretty confident that somewhere in Hollywood is a secret director’s guide that outlines key criteria with a separate category for each genre yet intermingled for creativity – and anyone who deviates from the written word will be ejected from the directors chair.” made me think of something.
I really feel that there are rules for every medium that need to be followed. I can’t speak for film, but in my creative writing classes, there are rules for your writing. If you’re creative and don’t follow them, you get scolded, told to correct them, and then lowered in grade. If we want to be creative, why can’t we change the way we make films/books/TV without being criticized for doing something new? Granted, we’d probably be disregarded as most avant-garde filmmakers are, because we don’t cater to expectations.
Haha sorry for the rant, but nice post. One of the things that gets me is the attempt to start the car 15 times, when it’s flooded or they know that the engine died.
.45 – You nailed it!! Why DO they knock the guy down yet don’t make sure he’s good and dead?? And then leaving the pitchfork lay so the bad guy can use it on them. People that stupid probably need to die.
Ryne – Feel free to rant. I probably would too, especially when you stop to consider that Spielberg probably didn’t follow any rules when making ET or Poltergeist or Close Encounters…. all three are totally original (unless I am totally missing something) and all three are awesome movies without the predictability. Tell you teacher to grade that!! (And the car thing really is annoying – like sureeee its gonna start after you crashed it into a tree…)