Quentin Who’s Hellride??

Ever since I saw the preview for Hellride about 6 months ago, I have been itching something fierce to see it. Promising debauchery and old school Grindhouse only Quentin Tarentino can deliver, the bikerploitation release starring director Larry Bishop as the lead role of "Pistolero" and Michael Madsen (one of my favorite "not really big actors in Hollywood but big enough that you recognize his face") as "The Gent", Hellride had me all revved up for an awesome ride!

Nothing sucks worse than anticipation of greatness, and getting shit instead. Not to mention that I have no idea why Quentin Tarentino's name is on the box "presenting" the movie since I cannot find that he had anything at all to do with the film. Talk about false promises.

So Hellride, being ever evasive and never really laying out an easy understanding of the "plot," apparently is about an old mature biker named Pistolero who wants revenge on rival old mature bikers who killed his girlfriend 32 years earlier, in the bicentennial year of 1976. It only makes matters worse when there appears to be a traitor or two among Pistolero's own gang.

The ego of Larry Bishop is more than in your face obvious as the movie is filled with 1/2 naked and completely naked women, all under the age of 25, who immediately want sex with him from the second he walks into a room. Now I may not be the best judge of looks but I assure you, no one I know would even consider having sex with Pistolero unless he had a wad of cash in his hand, and then only if you could take it to the bank first. He looked like he had not had a bath in a month, had not shaved in a year, and probably doesn't use deodorant. But what do I know about Hollywood? Especially when the director, who happens to be the main character, gets to call the shots....

So anyway, Hellride is a series of flashbacks to '76, along with a few well planted double crosses, as Pistolero narrows down who the traitors in his biker gang could be while leaving a bloody path of bad guys that all lead up to the inevitable showdown. The disappointing showdown between bad guy and good guy, both of which are OLD guys, and a few more naked women thrown in for decoration.

It is more than safe to say that Hellride is the director's mid-life crisis that he was fortunate enough to glorify on film. Unfortunately this movie is anything but glorious and I would strongly urge saving yourself the headache of suffering through even a minute of it - Hellride was definitely one HELL ride.

Unless you want to allow me the luxury of saying "I told you so" then have at it!

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