The Butler My Ass! The Demon Lamp Did It!

In watching the various movies that I do, I have noticed that there is an extremely large amount that have villians that are not, nor have they ever been, flesh and blood.

One example is the countless number of movies that have been made about cars and trucks taking on life and paving a long road of death and destruction.

There have also been movies of possessed body parts (two of my favorites being The Evil Dead 2, and Idle Hands, both of which involved possessed hands. Both movies rank a 5 in my “soon to be released but still in production” rating scale I am working on for my blog.)

I’ve compiled a small list of movies that I found especially entertaining in the inanimate villain department. Not that the movies were necessarily “worth the popcorn” as some might say but still worth the shout out for originality.

The Mangler

In this Stephen King original, an industrial laundry folding machine becomes possessed by a demon and proceeds to go on a murdering spree, leaving numerous ghastly deaths in its wake. The story ends with a failed exorcism causing the machine to rip itself free of its moorings and

The story ends with a botched exorcism that results in the machine ripping free of its moorings so it can prowl the streets in search of fresh prey.

The movie is the goes beyond B and straight to Z but still manages to have not 1, but 2 sequels (will wonders never cease.) On my up and coming B-scale, I give this one a 1 + 1/2.

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes

Ok folks, be warned. It doesn’t get much cheesier than this one. In this 4th installment of 8, (go figure) the evil is not a haunted house, rather it’s a lamp that has been removed from the Amityville house and ends up in a California home where it proceeds to haunt, scare and kill without lifting a finger.

Who wouldn’t love to have that kind of ability?? Or even a lamp with that kind of ability? Provided you could control it anyway. And the proud new owners can’t….. Definitely not anything as good as the first Amityville, but not the worst either. The B-scale is thinking a 1 + 1/2.

Maximum Overdrive

This is a Stephen King classic where cars and trucks come alive and start killing people for the fun of it. They even “communicate” with each other through honks and engine revs. Actually anything electrically powered manages to come alive and attack humans.

The most ridiculous killer in this movie however was was a soda vending machine that decided to pummel some ball playing kids by violently shooting out cans at them. Who needs projectile vomit when you have projectile soda?? On my B-scale I rate this one a solid 3+ 1/2, but possibly even a 4. I would need to watch it again to be sure.

The Lawnmower Man

Yet another Stephen King gem. This one is about a whacko lawnkeeper who has a snazzy lawnmower that autonomously mows yards and seemingly takes orders from the whacko owner. It doesn’t take long before the mower is instructed to “kill” and the resulting bloodbath is actually quite entertaining. Although I have not seen this movie in years, based off memory I would have to rate this one a low 3 on my B-scale. (And if any of you enjoyed this one you will be happy to know that there is a sequel. Can you spell YEE-HAW???)

Christine

Gee… I wonder who wrote this one? Could it be, oh, I don’t know…. Satan?? NO! It’s Stephen King! (Sorry guys - just a brief glimpse into the dorkier side of me.)

You know you have problems when a car falls in love with you. You should know your problems will increase considerably if you don’t return that love. Luckily the owner of Christine was such a total dweeb that he was flattered by his car, affectionately named Christine, and had no problems with her homicidal tendencies.

What’s cool about this movie is that even though the killer is a car, you feel sad when she gets rejected and picked on, and understand her need for revenge. What other vehicle has ever made you feel like that? This movie is a classic in the B-movie realm. A classic that deserves a rating of 4 on my B-scale.

Trucks

Due to a nasty lawsuit with Stephen King and the Maximum Overdrive movie, this one is the remake that was more true to the story that Mr. King wrote. What I thought especially ridiculous about this movie was the remote control truck that took out the mailman. For starters the mailman couldn’t stop the damned thing from ramming into him. Somehow he overlooked the fact that he was a 6ft man who could simply STEP on the 10 inch truck but for whatever reason, saw fit to allow said truck to knock him down and pummel him into a pile of wriggling bloody goo. This one is no where as good as the first in my book, so I will give this one a B-scale rating of 2.

Child’s Play

We all know what this one is about. A stupid doll. And a very annoying dead felon who felt the need to possess that very stupid doll. I know you are all probably thinking I would love this series of 5 (yes, you heard me right) but I think they are beyond retarded and that’s saying something considering I do so love stupid horror movies.

This one seems to go above and beyond though, and though I have watched at least 3 of the series, I just can’t get convince myself to like them. I actually find them boring. Not quite sure how that can be since there is plenty of “suspense” and bloodshed; maybe it’s the ridiculous doll or the lack of special effects. Who knows. I just know that on my B-scale, all of these rank 1.

The Shaft (remake of The Lift)

And I’m not talking about cool bad-ass Samuel L Jackson Shaft; I’m talking about the “elevator” shaft. Yup. You heard me right. This nugget from the vault of Hollywood classics is about an elevator that has sick desire to kill anyone that hops in it for a ride. Take the stairs = live. Take the elevator = die. I’ll have to get back to you on my rating for this one though as I can’t decide if I love it or hate it…… guess it depends on how much booze I consume while I watch it.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Now I have not seen this one so unfortunately I can’t rate it. I came across it on one of my internet jaunts and definitely find it intriguing in a crusty, moldy cheese sort of way. I’m sure you know what I mean. It’s like you want some cheese, need some cheese, and the only kind left in the fridge has been there so long that it has white moldy parts, and hard parts, and so you kinda nibble around those parts ‘cuz you don’t want to waste the good stuff you know is in there somewhere. This movies seems to be like that.

It’s about a century old bed that manages to lure “potential nappers and love-makers with the promise of red velvety comfort.” The bed works by “disrobing its victims, surrounding them with a burbling yellow goo, then sucking them into an acid-filled waterbed mattress that dissolves their flesh and bones.” The bed then remakes itself on the off chance that another orgy might develop somewhere down the road. Apparently the bed also snores. I hate snoring. Its like nails on a chalkboard to me. But I’d be lying if I said this movie did not intrigue m (and yes, I have eaten around the moldy parts of aged cheese….)

So there you have it. A small list of ridiculous killers that B-movie enthusiasts are proud to watch. What do you think? Any you have seen not on the list?? As usual, I am always open to suggestions of movies not yet seen……

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!